Y’all know that saying: “Nothing worth having comes easy.” With Jesus, I would say that that isn’t true at all. I would say salvation is definitely worth having, and I didn’t do anything to achieve that. Grace is worth having, necessary even, and grace comes just like the sunrise. You don’t have to do anything to make it come.
These things are your freebies, your givens, your inheritance. You don’t do anything to receive them, just like a rich kid doesn’t do anything to be born into a rich family.
Whoever you are, whatever you’re doing, I can tell you with full assurance that the Father loves you deeply, intimately, and eternally.
As David puts it,
“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where should I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in [hell], you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.”
I say all of this to emphasize that nothing you do could change God’s nearness to you. Having God’s presence and attention is the easiest thing in the world.
But when it comes to being a disciple of Jesus, it may be the hardest thing in the world.
Following Jesus Christ is difficult for obvious reasons: you have to deny your most basic and natural desires, constantly put others before yourself, and sacrifice everything you have— time, gifts, money, love, relationships, habits, your mind, your body, and your soul— to the Kingdom of God.
Surrendering to God’s will is extremely challenging, and will forever on earth be a daily struggle and decision, but I think the most difficult thing about following Jesus is that I can’t always feel Him.
There are times when I truly am being obedient, I am making time for Him, and I am surrendering and crying out to Him, and I hear nothing. For a really long time, I assumed this was my fault (which is honestly not a bad guess, but not always the truth). I would say, “Jesus, show me what it is I am doing wrong. What have I not surrendered? What have I done to make you silent?” And still, no response.
It becomes even more painful when there are people around you who just happen to be in a very fruitful, revelatory season with the Lord. I’ve been in places where I have heard Him speak so clearly and distinctly, and where love comes naturally and joy overflows uncontrollably. The goal is to always be in that place with God, but I promise you, at least in my walk with Jesus, that isn’t usually the reality. Jesus promises us that He will “never leave us nor forsake us,” but He doesn’t promise that we will always be able to see Him.
There are plenty of reasons for why God is sometimes silent and invisible, and I don’t pretend to understand His ways, but I do know this: if I could always feel the Holy Spirit, I would have no need for faith.
If I was always seeing progress in my pursuit of Jesus, I would never get to learn to just be content with His love.
If love was constantly and naturally pouring out of me, I would never get to learn to be dependent on Him in the the times where love is the hardest option.
If I always heard His voice, I would never get to learn to rest in the silent moments with Him.
If I never had to wait for the Lord, I would never get to experience the satisfaction and refreshment of long-awaited, sweet and reassuring moments with Him.
The waiting sucks. There is no other way to put it. While you may feel isolated in this pain, you and I are not alone.
Lately, Psalm 27 has been my anthem. David was a righteous man, a man after God’s heart, and full of the Holy Spirit. But in Psalm 27, he begs,
“Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, ‘Seek my face.’ My heart says to you, ‘Your face, Lord, do I seek.’ Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help.”
When I read this, I can feel David’s frustration so vividly because I also understand what it’s like to seek God with everything I have and to still feel like He doesn’t return my calls.
I think my problem for a long time, though, was that my prayer would stop there. There is no faith or growth in just being frustrated at God and myself. If I stay in that posture, all I feel is discouragement and self-pity, and I mentally distance myself from the Father because I start to believe He has given up on me. This is a dangerous place and it can’t be where we stop.
The faith comes in as David continues the psalm, saying,
“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”
I used to mistake faith for certainty. I think a lot of people do. That’s why I have so many friends who say, “I wish I could have faith, but I just can’t be sure that God is real.”
Hebrews 11 famously defines faith as, “the assurance of things hoped for.” Not things understood. Not things seen. Not things easily conceivable. Not things already achieved. Things hoped for.
Faith in Jesus is not easy and it is not rational, but I must believe that there is more to this life than meets the eye.
Choosing between faith in Jesus and settling for what the world has to offer is literally choosing between the possibility of eternal, abundant joy and peace, and certain dissatisfaction and death.
When I go through seasons of dryness and doubt, I am reminded of John 6 when Jesus speaks some powerful and difficult words over His disciples. The words were so confusing and unsettling that, “many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him.” After this, He turns to the twelve disciples and frankly asks them if they want to leave Him too. Peter responds, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know that you are the Holy One of God.”
I love this, because Peter doesn’t say, “Of course not, Jesus! We totally understand and agree with what you said!” He is saying that, though he may not understand, and though the way may not be easy, he literally has nowhere else to go. He was willing to wait and trust that Jesus knew what He was doing, even if he didn’t understand.
This is why, when the Lord is quiet with me, I have faith. Not because it’s easy, but because there is no other choice. I have believed and have come to know that Jesus is the Holy One of God and that He loves me. Giving up on that would lead to certain emptiness forever. Instead, I spend my whole life making room and waiting for the moments in which I can feel Him, because even one minute experiencing the presence of God is better than a thousand years without Him. If you’ve ever felt Him you know that’s true. Just walking in blind, broken obedience while waiting on the Lord is more satisfying than settling in the ways of the world.
And we won’t be waiting forever!
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revelation of the sons of God. For the creation was subject to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it with patience.”
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Week 1 in J-Bay is complete!
This place is amazing. Way more than I could ever ask for. My team and I live at a camp called UCSA Jeffrey’s Bay, where we “are a part of the family,” and it really feels like that. Right now, the camp is being used for holiday accommodation since basically the whole country is on break until mid-January. When camps start back up in January, we will be really busy counseling the groups that come in, but until then, we spend our days doing community service (half of us have been cleaning the park, and my half teaches children from the street). We also live with this really cool group of college students from S.A. who are here to do beach ministry and outreach, so we help out with them, too.
The first day I was here, I stumbled upon some little kids asking me for money. I told them I didn’t have any money, but I became really good friends with them and told them I would teach them to read and write since they don’t go to school. Their names are Ricardo and Eric, and they’re brothers of 14 and 10. The next day, they showed up outside our camp with some of their friends, yelling my name. Now, every day from 10-12, some of my teammates and I teach them to read and just spend time loving them and playing at the beach. God is so cool.
Things are much more peaceful here than they were in Costa Rica. It’s just my team, so I have much more time to read and pray and sabbath, without the distractions of 50 other people in my house. God has made it clear that this is going to be a really important season in my walk, so I am pressing into presentness as much as possible and really investing in the people around me.
Prayer Requests:
- You guessed it, team unity! Every girl on my team is so unique, so finding unity can sometimes be a challenge. Pray that the Lord would ignite our hearts for the Kingdom, and that we could function as His body in perfect unity.
- That the Lord would open doors of opportunity everywhere we go. Ask Jesus to let my team and I do His work and speak His name in Jeffrey’s Bay.
- That the Lord would open my heart, break my heart, and restore it to be like His.
