I have been pretty quiet the past few weeks. I haven’t known what I wanted to blog about, because I wasn’t sure what God was trying to teach me. Actually, I have recently been in a hard season of doubt and fear and confusion. Doubt about my standing before God, fear about what that could mean, and confusion over why these thoughts were suddenly swirling through my mind and what I needed to do to surrender them to Jesus.
But what Satan tried to use against me, God used for my good. Satan tried to steal my joy, peace, and hope, but he actually just propelled me into deeper levels of surrender and dependence upon Christ alone.
When your head is filled with lies, you have no choice but to look into your heart, clinging to small, desperate hope that there is Something real and beautiful hidden deep inside.
So, that’s kinda what I wanna talk about. The following revelation was not meant to be a blog (which explains the lack of capitalization and context that I am too lazy to go back and fix). But it’s so real and so raw, and one of the deepest and most profound pieces of wisdom the Lord has ever given me.
the secret heart:
“avery, i created you. i placed within your own heart direction and desires in hopes that you would follow them, like a treasure map, into my will and plan for you. within your own heart is where you will find the answers.”
unfortunately, in my pursuit of deeper spiritual knowledge, i have learned to deny my desires to be loved, seen, to be god’s tender daughter and precious bride.
truthfully, i want to be wanted, romanticized. i don’t want to just be a mighty warrior. i don’t want to just be a servant. i want to be a daughter, a wife, a child. i want to be dependent, helpless, utterly submissive and inferior to god.
i haven’t allowed myself to be those things because i have perceived those longings to be weaknesses, setbacks, “flesh.” they’re not composed or clean or sensible or logical like i’ve always thought god wanted me to be—they’re messy, deep, real, human, flesh. but not flesh as in sarkos, (the greek word the new testament uses to describe selfish tendencies and bodily impulses,) but flesh as in,
“i will give you a new heart, and a new spirit i will put within you. i will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. i will put my spirit within you and cause you to walk in my statues…”
i have been running away from my own heart because i thought that only evil could exist there. i have been carrying a deep sense of shame and fear for what is inside of me. but god is shining light into the depths of my soul and saying,
“avery, why are you afraid of what lies within you? have you forgotten that you are new creation?”
“if anyone is in christ he is a new creation. behold, the old has passed away; the new has come.”
god has put his spirit within me. i am a new creation. all this time i have been asking god to speak, give me a sign that he is there, that he loves me, that he wants me. i expected some voice to come from heaven, to be clear and rational. but all this time he has been speaking, not as a separate entity, but from within myself. he has written directions for me,
“with the spirit of the living god, carved not on tablets of stone, but on tablets of human hearts.”
not human minds. human hearts.
“for he has put eternity in man’s heart.”
“blessed are those in whose hearts are the highways to zion.”
“behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.”
“i will put my law within them, and i will write it on their hearts.”
or 2 corinthians 3 & 4:
“when one turns to the lord, the veil (over their hearts) is removed. the lord is the spirit, and where the spirit of the lord is, there is freedom. and we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another… for god who said, ‘let light shine out of darkness,’ has shown into our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of god in the face of jesus christ.”
i promise i am not just googling all of the scriptures that have the word, “heart,” in them. it’s funny because the lord has been taking me to all of these lately and i didn’t understand why, or that it was even him taking me to them, until right now as i write all of this.
god took my heart of stone and traded it for a heart of flesh. i no longer have to fear what lies within myself. i no longer have to walk in shame. i no longer stand condemned because he didn’t just clean up my messy old heart, he gave me a new one. and i can trust this one.
this is what childlike faith is. following your most basic desires. being in touch with your heart. god is taking me from the realm of my head, and down to the realm of my heart, because that is where he dwells.
i am learning to trust myself.
—–
So yeah, that’s me. Maybe that doesn’t make any sense. But maybe you’re reading this and you know exactly what I am talking about. Maybe you have been running away from what is deep inside of you because you are afraid of your own capacity to hurt others and yourself.
But let me share some good news: He has made you new. Learn to trust that. Let Him teach you to love yourself. Listen to the instructions He has written on your heart. Don’t distract yourself from your desires, but,
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
—–
For the past month, my team and I have been doing construction on a local Christian school. Lots of painting and ladders and getting sweaty and stuff. It’s been strangely restful and therapeutic to do more mindless work, and it’s also really humbling and rewarding to have a servant’s role in someone else’s Kingdom vision.
We live in a hostel in the middle of the city. Weekends consist of coffee shops, $.75 pad thai, reading, worship, Bible study–the works.
We’ll be at it for another month, and then it’s off to Burma for the last month of the Race.
I’ll be home so soon.
Prayer Requests:
- Fresh breath of revelation on the squad, especially since it’s pretty easy to disconnect at this point of the Race
- LET’S SEE SOME THAI DISCIPLES MAKE THAI DISCIPLES
Thanks for reading this even though this one makes almost no sense. Y’all the realest.
Aves
