The Most Important Blog I’ll Ever Write

Quite literally ever since I can remember, I have been insanely captivated by God. In Sunday school as a little kid I was always the most engaged in the conversation about God, so much so that it shocked the teachers. In elementary school, I would bombard mentor figures with questions about who He is. In 6th grade, I decided I was going to read the whole Bible. In middle school, I had an insatiable hunger for the Word; my Bible always was completely covered in annotations and highlights and quotes from all of the podcasts I’ve streamed and books I’ve read and sermons I’ve sat through. In high school, I found people that were just as captivated by Him as I was, and we spent countless hours talking about Him—in fact, He was pretty much all we ever talked about. 

 

All throughout my life, He would give me some kind of revelation, I would get a huge rush of satisfaction and joy and energy, and would immediately respond to Him with, “What’s next?” 

 

You see, God has created me to be a very restless person. My whole life, I have equated stillness with stagnancy and patience with laziness. 

I see the spiritual giants: A.W. Tozer, the apostle Paul, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Smith Wigglesworth, the apostle James, Todd White, Heidi Baker, etc., and think that if I keep my head in the Word enough, or if I pray hard enough, or read enough books, I can be like them too. (Hah, you can see I dream pretty big.) I earnestly desire to have what they have, to be a hero of the faith, to walk in the power and the authority of the Holy Spirit. I am extremely ambitious in that way.

 

In some ways, this is the biggest blessing that the Lord has given me. I love that He has made me motivated, hungry, curious, and eager. But most times, in my quest for wisdom and knowledge and growth, I forget the most important thing: Love. Love that the Father has for me, a Love that can not be earned or increased, and Love that the Father desires that I have for Him and His children. 

 

I get it. This is cheesy and very simple and not original one bit. We have all had Paul’s words shoved down our ears, 

 

 

I just finished reading 1 Samuel for the first time, and since, my prayer life and my understanding of 1 Corinthians 13 have changed dramatically.

 

Okay, it’s about to get Bible-y, but I have faith that the Holy Spirit will even the millennials the attention span to endure.

 

In 1 Samuel, Israel, in their fear of man and lack of faith, begs God to allow them to have a king. They desire a king that walks in the authority of God, one who is gifted with the power and authority of the Holy Spirit. Though God had already made it clear to Israel that He was their king, their salvation, and their protector, he grants them their heart’s cry. 

 

God chooses Saul: a tall, handsome, powerful-looking man, who is, on the inside, a seemingly pretty average dude, and anoints him with the Holy Spirit, that he may be equipped to fight Israel’s battles for them. This shows that the Holy Spirit truly can not be achieved, but is always a gift. If you know the story, you know kinda where it goes from there. Saul does an all-right job leading Israel to victory in a battle or two, but ultimately battles in vain with a gigantic sin problem inside of his own heart that leads him to his demise multiple times, unto suicide. 

 

Saul was given by God everything that he needed to succeed as a spiritual leader. He was extraordinarily gifted with the ability to prophesy, he had Samuel to guide him, and he was given a ridiculous amount of authority to lead God’s people into victory. The one thing Saul did not have, was Love. And God could not make Saul a loving person because Saul refused to submit to God’s Love. (You can not serve two masters, and Saul chose his own glory above God’s.) Constantly throughout the story, Saul makes a fool of himself by letting his flesh steward the gifts of God, rather than supernatural Love. 

 

And then we have David: a seemingly awkward choice as a humble shepherd boy who was the runt of his family. (He is estimated to be about eight years old at the time he was anointed by Samuel to receive the Holy Spirit.) Absolutely nothing made David special as far as the flesh is concerned. Even Samuel, the super-duper spiritual guy, doubted that David was God’s chosen. God’s response to this, in my opinion, contains some of the words in the Bible that pierce me the very deepest: “For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”  And you know where it goes from there: David, in his humility receives the same authority and gifting that Saul did, but portrays the example of what it looks like to steward those gifts with a very broken heart, submission to God’s authority, and Love. And guess what? “David had success in all his undertakings, for the LORD was with him.”

So here I was a few months ago, praying every day for the gifting of the Spirit, for “stature”, for knowledge, wisdom, authority, equating all of these things with maturity and intimacy with the Father. All along wondering,”Why can’t I prophesy like that person? God, why haven’t I spoken in tongues yet? How come Kathryn Kuhlman can walk into a room and heal everyone in her wake, and I can’t even see one healing come through my hands? Where are my miracles? Where are my gifts?”

 

Until, in all His grace, patience, and loving tenderness, God whispered into my spirit, You aren’t ready yet.

 

I gotta say, that was a bit of a wake-up call. When I left for the World Race—not gonna lie—I thought that I was spiritually doing pretty great. I know all the right things. I say all the right things. And, on my good days, I even do the right things. But, “the LORD looks on the heart.”

 

 The one thing I have been missing all this time is the compassion. The Love. Actually feeling the right things. 

 

Like—get this—actually caring about people. This, Jesus says, is the only thing that matters. Have Love, and you “will have success in all your undertakings.” Big and small. 

 

I want to include some scripture at this point, but what am I supposed to do, quote everything from Genesis to Revelation? Because this is the message underlying every single part of the text. Go look for it. The first thing you see will, whether blatantly or subtly, be conveying this simple message. Every time I open the Word, from now until I die, this is the message He will be etching into my soul. 

 

 

So I respond, “Okay Lord, that is a lot to take in, but I know that you are right. What do I do to get out of this?”

 

I never thought I would be on my face thanking God for not giving me the gifts and authority of the Holy Spirit when I asked for them. But I do thank Him, because He knows me and loves me enough to not watch me end like Saul. He desires that I have true success, not epic failure, in all my undertakings. He desires to use me as a sanctified, loving, perfectly broken vessel to defeat giants and win wars and bring justice like David did. And He knows that starts not with anointing or enabling me, but with a heart transformation. 

 

Every time I think I am healthy, God pushes me back onto the operating table to do more heart surgery. Believe me, it is painful, it is extensive, and it is so tempting to just walk in the flesh instead of wait for Him to finish. But He has told me that His hands are the safest place for my heart to be.

 

In the meantime, I do what I know how. I pray. I seek community. I remind people they are loved through my words and my actions. I stay in the Word. I take risks in relationships. I do my best to meditate on His love. I slow down and I breathe. I take Love one day at a time and I trust that He will fill in all my gaps. 

 

—–

 

On Thanksgiving, my team and I prepared a semi-traditional meal for our ministry hosts and sat around the table in fellowship. We thanked God for each other, and they cried and we cried because it’s my squad’s last ministry week in Costa Rica. 

 

I spent Sunday chillin’ on the beach and resting real hard. I promise I will post pictures eventually. 

 

So there is this guy named Carlos who is a security guard at a restaurant by my house. One day I felt the Lord tell me to pray for Him, and every time I passed Him He kept saying the same thing. So every time I pass Carlos, I ask if I and whomever I am with can pray over Him. He always says sure. Carlos struggles with a lot of things, like mental and physical health and drug addiction. Anyway, I kept feeling like breakthrough was going to happen for Carlos, and I also felt that God was going to give me some sign of that. Today, my friend Trev passed Carlos on the street and saw him holding open the New Testament and reading it with concentration. 

 

God’s been good. He has done some amazing works in my time here. I am simply a witness. 

 

Honestly, I never thought I would love the World Race this much. Never thought I could love my squad and my team this much. Never thought God would actually make this the most fun thing I have ever done.

1/3rd down, 2/3rds left!

 

 

• That God would absolutely break my heart with compassion for His people— all His people, from my family, to my best friends, to strangers on the street. 
• Safe travels to South Africa (December 8th, baby!!!! (Might write another blog before then, might not.))
• Team unity and love. Our team is about to be alone in South Africa, so we have a new opportunity to love each other in even more intimacy.

If you’re reading this, I love you. If you even made it half-way through my post and scrolled to the bottom, I am proud of you.