It has been 2 weeks since being Dengue Fever Free!! Whoop Whoop!!
In this time of my Dengue Adventure, a wise woman encouraged me with this advice: “Ave, You needed a Pause. God needed you to have a pause to rest, and to soak in what’s happening.”
She was right.
What I thought was heat exhaustion from our boiling room where I struggle to sleep, to possible food poising or a stomach bug with vomiting than turned to a a visit to the clinic.
They took and tested my blood and recorded my temp to be 104. Big yikes. From there I got a diagnosis of Dengue Fever. Bring on the anti-nausea meds for my constant dizziness and urge to vomit, Tylenol for my fever and constantly achy body and the salty orange powder mix-in packs intended to keep me hydrated.
After an entire day of bed rest and keeping up with Tylenol, attempting to hydrate and eat, lots of prayer and love from my peeps at home, I was surprisingly feeling better. HA! SUCK IT DENGUE! Well, then just my luck, I spoke too soon.
That next day I had a followup appointment to check the levels in my blood again. Walking 5 steps felt like I had walked 5 miles with boulders on both legs and my back, leaving me incredibly nauseas. I decided to tough it out since I knew I was going to the clinic. Yikes.
On the ride there I felt like a rag doll in a washing machine, just trying to do what I could to calm myself and hold back from throwing up. My body was exhausted already and I was so nervous because I thought I had been doing better…what was happening to me? *Insert anxious thoughts of the worse case scenarios my head can create. Yay!* I felt helpless and confused and, my least favorite: out of control.
All of this must have been visible as I very slowly made my way to those sliding glass doors of the clinic because they grabbed me a wheelchair and began to move me from station to station right away. No temp but extreme nausea, soreness and panic were stealing the show today. After my blood was taken, I took a nap, as we waited for results (Shoutout to Emma for being my angel this entire journey).
After about an hour, they wheeled me in and told me that my hemoglobin levels were not good, I was extremely dehydrated and they were worried, and that it would be best to have me stay overnight to hook me up to an IV put and keep an eye on me.
OH FREAK NO.
My weak and nervous self was terrified and the tears could not be held back any longer. I am not in control. I can barely stand. I’m in a hospital in Thailand with no doctors I know, no reassurance and comfort from my family and the worst case scenario of everything that could possibly happen zipping through my mind. There was no “why” in my spirit, just a cry for help. A cry for something familiar, for peace, to feel better, to be comforted. Spoiler Alert: He heard my cry.
The nurses were incredibly kind and they really saw me and wanted to care for me. At one point while sitting in the room getting my blood drawn the tears ran down my face and my body was hunched over. The nurse put down the things in her hands, got down on her knees so we were eye level and used tissues to wipe my eyes and cheeks. Then, in her broken English, she comforted me…wow. This hospital was very legit and they took amazing care of me. Honestly it felt like the US.
Those days and nights were full of lots of movies, sleeping, good talks, laughs and just time to sit and think. It is bonkers to me how much has happened in a month.
While laying there I had so much love and care from my team with hand written letters and treats, visits. I was never left alone thanks to overnighters from leaders. I was at peace and this peace filled my room in a tangible way that whoever walked in said out loud how they felt at peace. I wanted to be comforted with familiar and I was stilled hearing about and knowing and feeling all of the prayer and love and encouragement from my amazing people back home. As my time was ending, I was getting very nervous as to how I was going to pay for this…the insurance pulled through and all I had to do was pay a deductible fee and they covered the rest…WHAT. Oh and the first time I went to the clinic, Em helped me pay and together we had the perfect amount down to the last dollar…wild!!
Here is where my pause came in.
No sickness can steal the ground I have covered or all that God is doing in my heart.
As I wrote this, I thought back to my moments of pause at home. Honestly, there were very few because I used to love to run so I didn’t have to pause.
There was one time when I actually paused. I went to spend time with my grandma— who is one of my role models in my life— and we went to “adoration” at her church. Adoration is a set time to pause. You sit in pin drop silence in the big catholic church. I always loved my grandmas big church with all its stained glass windows, the old wooden pews and the smell and old book, of candles and incense. It is much different then the church I go to now, but there is something nostalgic and humbling about her church that I like to go and appreciate once in awhile.
At adoration you sit and pray or simply just sit there in the stillness. I remember being oddly comfortable and finding such peace in the silence. In the odd emptiness of that Thursday night, while it was me and grams and maybe 2 others, in that big space. I could breathe here and my thoughts would leave my head and float up into the tall ceilings of the church and the disappear into space. I found freedom and healing while just sitting there, tears slowly falling down my face. I always wanted to and planned other times to go again with grams, but it never worked out.
My hospital room began to feel like that; I was reminded of this rare moment of actual pause in my life and here it was again.
It was pin drop silence. I thought back to the moments I would attempt to pause back at home. I knew if I was at home my head would spin and spin and when they escaped my head they would sink back down and just land on my chest. I’d carry them there instead of my head and it was heavy. In those times I would reach for my phone to message a friend, scroll for hours or make plans where I could numb in myself in some way so I didn’t have to think any longer or feel the weight stuck on my chest. That was an exhausting cycle. This time, my pause was like that night with grams. I was content. I didn’t ask why or resent being there. I had peace. I lay there and talked with God. I listened. I let my body rest and heal and I let all the things I was learning be built stronger. I let those other thoughts loose and they began to disappear into the air and were replaced with space where I could grow and breathe and heal and have room for new things.
I don’t know why bad or hard things happen. I do know God works in the unexpected. For me, this pause was oddly a sign to me that I’m growing. I was so afraid to change, but I’m not changing in the ways I was afraid of; I’m still Avery, and I’ll always be Avery. I’m just becoming a refined Avery. I’m discovering new things. This Avery is learning to stand on her own two feet. She likes sitting in silence. She is no longer afraid of everything. She has a new love for the people who she always finds cheering her on, even when she has quit cheering for herself. She’s learning to love herself and be okay being alone sometimes. She is learning to love from an overflow instead of relying on herself. She’s hungry to grow and learn. She’s hungry to love God deeper and more. She doesn’t care who’s watching anymore and she doesn’t live for the approval of other people. She has a heart to reach out her arms and love those around her in a way that is real and deep. She laughs everyday. She challenges herself to grow and be uncomfortable so she can walk the way of growing into the best version of herself. She loves the little things in life. She is dreaming again. She is thankful. She is not perfect or in control and she finds freedom in these realties. She says yes to adventure and the unknown. She is making a home in living in love. She’s not done yet.
Thankful for you always. Thank you for doing life with me and being here while I say yes to adventure.
Hugs and Love
Aves
