It’s been a little while since I wrote a blog, and for good reason. I didn’t know at first if I wanted to write this, but I decided it is important to be honest and open, rather than not writing a blog or faking my way through one.
Being in Jacó for me has been very hard, especially these past two weeks. I miss my family. I miss how good my relationship was with the Lord at home. I miss my church. I miss my friends. I miss being able to have quiet time in my room by myself. I miss the pretty infrastructure of the world around me. I miss being able to flush my toilet paper. I miss having wifi at all times. I miss my comforts.
My usual safe space when things go wrong is my quiet time with God. I love diving into scripture, praying, and closing with a couple worship songs on my phone. It fills me up, helps me remember Jesus is my home and how good He is.
But since I’ve been in Jacó, this has totally taken a turn. I don’t feel refreshed in my quiet time, and I’m not feeling the Lord’s presence nearly as much as I did at home. And that has scared the living daylights out of me. It has made me have doubts and unbeliefs. It makes me have many questions in my head: “How am I supposed to evangelize, and tell people of the good news and how good the lord’s peace and joy is, when i’m not experiencing it myself?” “How am I supposed to do this when I’m having doubts?” ”How am I going to do this for two more months?” “What in the world is God trying to do here?”
What I have come to realize, is that my goal on this trip, is probably not the Lord’s. While I thought I was coming on this trip with my main focus to change others, I think the Lord’s main focus is to change me. That wonderful foundation I thought I had coming to Jacó, I realized was a lot of me loving the blessings the Lord has given me in this life: friends, family, my church, my comforts. These are not bad things to appreciate and to have, but it shows you how weak your relationship may be with the Lord if you don’t feel Him as much anymore when they’re taken away.
And now, I believe He is trying to rebuild that firm foundation I thought I had, but on firmer and more solid ground: himself. Himself and only Himself. I believe the Lord is deepening my roots. I want to feel confident, safe, secure, and at peace with the Lord no matter what my situation is. I want to be able to worship Him and have no doubts when I feel everything is taken from me, confident that God is still good and His presence is still overwhelming within me.
Now, this is what I think God wants from me. This is what I hope He is teaching me in all of this.
That doesn’t change the fact though, that most mornings I wake up crying and I want to go home. For the past two weeks, I’ve been waking up at 4:30am with an unexplainable pit feeling in my stomach, and I can’t fall back asleep. Most days, I want so badly to call it quits and to go home.
I pray that God grows me how He wants, and gives me His strength to help me go through my days. I pray that I am able to stay for the next two months and not have to come home early from defeat. I pray that God uses this hurt to deepen my roots in Him, and so that when I do come back into my blessings at home, it is even greater than before. I pray that the enemy flees.
God opened these doors for me to come on this trip, so I have no doubt that I am here for a reason. I wanted to be open with you guys about how hard it has been in my walk with the lord. I ask that you guys please pray for me, and I hope that one day I will be writing a blog having come out from the other end of this struggle. This is the hardest thing I’ve walked through so far in my life, and it is hard having to go through this in a different country away from my friends, family, and church.
Please have grace with me on my blog updates, my decisions, and my walk with the Lord. Thank you for taking time to read, and I hope that God blesses you with an abundance of peace and joy today. See you in my next blog!
