John Wooden once said, “A good coach can change a game, a great coach can change a life.”
I had many great coaches over the span of my sports career, some of them were honestly the only reason I stayed with the sport, but there was one coach that stood above the rest and that was Coach Davis.
I remember the first time he noticed me as a player when I was in eighth grade. I was in the circle waiting to go up to bat and he called me over. I remember looking at him sitting on a bucket at the end of the dugout with his arms crossed rested on his stomach (if you know him you know what I’m talking about) and he says, “have you ever hit from the left side before, like slap bunting?” and to this day I don’t even remember if I responded because I was so nervous that the Varsity coach, who I knew my whole life but was for some reason still intimidating, was even speaking to me. So he explained to me the easy steps of slapping and sent me up to bat. The next thing I remember I am standing on first base, turned around smiling at Coach Davis and he has a look on his face like he had some big idea. I had no idea on that day how big of an impact this change would make to my softball career.
I then spent my freshman year being a pinch runner, my sophomore and junior year playing right field, and then playing center field my senior year. I stole many bases, had great batting averages, and even made some great plays in the outfield, but none of this is really what I cherish about my time on this team. I cherish all the laughter between players and coaches, all the two-a-days where we had to run around town and Coach Davis and Coach Miller would ride up beside us on the gator playing rocky and eating McDonalds, and all the moments and games when we knew we had made each other and our coaches proud.
Coach Davis knew more about us then many of our parents did. He cared more about us as humans then as good players (but he wanted us to be that too). He hugged us when we cried, told us when we shouldn’t date a certain boy, and laughed with, and at us, all the time. His wisdom came in weird metaphors and he always wanted to make sure we knew he is a big deal. I could go on and on about memories of my time as a player but this blog would never end, and really this blog is about how I have finally come to the realization that one of the most influential people in my life is gone.
Last year Coach was diagnosed with cancer.
It was unexpected and it all happened really fast. I contacted him to see when I could go see him but he never responded. I didn’t really rush him or put a lot of pressure on him to go see him because I thought I had time, but I didn’t have any time at all.
The week of July 16-22 was one of the best weeks and one of the worst weeks of my life. I showed up to my best friend Sam’s house on Tuesday excited to spend the week with her getting ready for her wedding that weekend, and not three hours into being together we get word that he passed away. I really didn’t think it was real at first, but then when I realized it was I was actually really mad at him. Sounds bad for being mad when it isn’t his fault, but I was. I was mad that it felt like he left on his own terms and didn’t give me a chance to say goodbye. We then found out that not only was Sam’s wedding on Saturday, but his funeral was on that exact same day and it was too far away so we were unable to go.
I felt like I never got closure.
He never messaged me, or my dad back on when we could come see him or even have a phone call, and now I wasn’t going to be able to even go to the funeral. I really don’t know why he never let us go see him, in my head I choose to say it is because it would have just been to hard for all of us, that may not be the truth but I want to just believe that is why.
And now it has taken me ten months to finally process what that even means, gone? How can he be gone? How is this even fair? He was just given the job of head baseball coach, his daughter was just starting all the great things of being a senior, and he is just gone? There were so many things I wanted him to know about how he changed my life but now what? Now who do I tell?
I have had to process all of this being really far away from home. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve told countless stories about him, but today was the first time I have truly processed what all of this means. Today is the first day I can talk about it and say that it is well with my soul.
The sadness never gets easier really, and as I have processed it more I have really looked into what it means when they say God is close to the brokenhearted. It may not seem like it a lot of times but he is, whispering his truth to us to combat the enemies lies. He listens to our cries and our frustrations, and I have come to believe that it is okay to not be okay. There were many times that I wanted to be mad at God, and honestly I tried to be, but I never was mad at him for it. I knew he was close to me and hearing my every cry, even if he wasn’t giving me an answer on why this happened.
I will never understand the Lord’s plan, and I don’t need to. The Lord used Matt while he was on this earth to impact our lives in ways that I don’t think many of us understood at the time.
In 2012 I became a 5A-6A All-State softball player. One of the things that I worked the hardest for in high school, but it would have never been possible without Matt changing me to a slap hitter my 8th grade year. I think without that change I would have been a very average player. So the day I finally was able to say it is well, I got it tattooed on my left wrist.** The placement means so much to me and reminds me of how he changed my life not only as a player, but as a human being. It reminds me of how he taught me to be confident and a good leader. To never take myself too seriously and to always laugh. Lastly it teaches me to cherish every moment and ever human in my life.
At the bottom of this blog I included a journal entry that I wrote directly to him in month 8 of the race. This is a personal space that I want to welcome you all into because I believe it may help someone else who is grieving.
And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, shall keep your hearts, your minds through Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:7
Journal entry day 221 of 320
I’m sorry I was ever mad at you that you are gone. I know it isn’t your fault, but I wanted to say so many things to you before it was too late, and you didn’t let me.
This isn’t how things were suppose to go, we were all suppose to come back for some 40th school reunion and let them recognize us for our sports accomplishments and they have to roll you into the stadium in some wheel chair or something. But no, we will never do that and it makes me really sad.
I guess I should start with saying thank you. Now I know you hate the serious moments but just suck it up for this letter (haha). Thank you for noticing my speed and talent, for pushing me when I wanted to give up, and loving us like family. For the day you drove around with me instead of eating lunch because I was crying and left school after my feelings had gotten hurt. For the endless jokes and laughter in softball and when Sam and I were baseball trainers. For telling me how stupid boys were when I was dumped and allowing me to get chocolate instead of running in offseason that day. For coming and celebrating that I got All-State and Co-Female athlete of the year. For completely changing my life and helping me to become a more confident player.
I’m sorry I didn’t call before your diagnosis. I promise I didn’t forget you I was just so busy, which really was no excuse. I hope and pray that I never let you down too much back then and that you were proud of me till the end. I’m sorry for the times I didn’t listen to your advise on and off the field.
I just want you to know how much you influenced my life. I didn’t even want to play college ball because you wouldn’t be the coach, of course I never would have told you that was the reason.
I don’t know how else to tell you and I pray you knew the whole time, because you truly changed my life forever.
I really miss your comments and remarks, and just miss you being around. I’m sad you will miss out on a lot in your kids lives and your players lives.
For weeks I cried at night wondering if you were in heaven. I asked the Lord multiple times to show me if you were, and never got an answer; then one night I had a dream. I’m walking out onto the biggest, greenest baseball field I’ve ever seen. There you are, hitting balls to people, and you notice me and we start having a conversation. I don’t remember anything we talked about, and I don’t need to, because I woke up with peace believing that was the “sign” I had asked the Lord for. So because of that I believe that this isn’t a goodbye but a see you later.
You’re still kind of a big deal.
** The meaning behind why I got it is well**
The song It Is Well With My Soul was written by Horatio G. Spafford in the 1800s.
In November 1873 Spafford’s wife, Anna, and four daughters boarded a ship crossing from the U.S. to Europe. After four days at sea the ship collided with a large ship and within twelve minutes the boat sank and the Spaffords lost all four of their daughters.
All by herself Anna sent a telegram beginning with, “Saved alone, what shall I do?” After a deep tragedy Spafford wrote the song It Is Well With My Soul believing that the Lord was in control.
I chose this song because after something that I will never understand or truly comprehend, I want to be able to look at the Father the way that Spafford did saying that I don’t understand, but I don’t need to, because it is all in your hands. So it is well with my soul.
When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul
