My team and I have spent a lot of time the past few months discussing change because I'm coming home in you know, 30 days. That's right. Exactly one month.
And what I've come realize, and need to continue to remember, is that the World Race did not change me.
It didn't change my heart.
I am not worthy or better or validated because I did the World Race.
I am worthy and validated because Jesus calls me that.
HE is who changed me this year.
And what I have also come to realize is that I was worthy long before I left in July. He just used the race as a tool to show me that and now I am trying to live outwardly what I now know inwardly.
With that being said, let me clear some things up:
I'm still coming home as Autumn.
I will be recognizable.
I will be familiar.
I'm coming home with an extra ear piercing, longer hair, and perhaps a few extra pounds heavier due to the never ending amounts of rice and carbs I've consumed this year;)
But I am still Autumn.
In fact, I feel more Autumn than ever before.
I know I have changed.
I am confident that I found so much more of myself in Jesus.
So let me also clear a few more things up:
I don't have all the answers.
I still have huge parts of me that Jesus is working on.
I don't have it all together.
I need grace.
I found healing for some of the wounds of my heart but I am still broken and I need Jesus more every day.
I have never realized my need for Jesus more than I have this year.
[But feeling like I need to prove that I have changed or fear that I will go back to who I was will be me operating from insecurities. And I hate those nasty little things. I know Satan likes to slip those things in my mind so I may have to fight them a little harder.]
So yeah, Jesus did a work in my heart this year. I will never be able to unsee the things I've seen or to unhear the things I've heard. I'll never forget the HIV babies I held, the men buying women to try and satisfy themselves for a few hours, or the thousands of bricks I chipped away at for an entire month while living with ex-convicts.
I will probably need an extra helping of patience and grace as I sort through this year and figure out how to still be me from a separate environment than who I found myself in.
But I am really looking forward to starting this new season in life. It will be hard to leave the depth of the community I've been in this year but I have total peace about coming home, and I thank Jesus for that. It will probably be hard, but one of the things I've learned this year is that hard things are always worth the work.
And I know you have changed too. A year has passed which means you've experienced another year of change. I've missed marriages, engagements, deaths, births, new jobs, new boyfriends, and a whole heck of a lot of things Jesus has revealed to you in a year. So please tell me what's new with you. Even if you don't think anything is new, it's going to be new to me and that's worth hearing to me.
If you need to go to target, or make an extra glass of sweet tea, or want to eat Mexican food, I'm your girl.
And please, ask me questions about this year. It may take me time to answer but I promise you it will be good for me to answer.
Words seem so inadequate but thank you for walking with me in this journey, and what a journey it has been. Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for every single word of encouragement you have sent my way. Thank you for giving to this journey so generously. I pray God returns to you in great abundance what you have given to me this year.
