I have sat down to write this post so many times in the past few months, but I have continually been stumped with what exactly to say because there are so many things I want to tell you. A small warning to start: I’m not going to sugarcoat anything I share with you during this journey and beyond. I am going to tell you how it is because for you to believe and feel what I share with you, I am going to have to show you the good, the bad and the really ugly. I want you to know me fully and see how The Lord is using me and my team to further His Kingdom. I am not embarking on this journey because it will be “fun” and a cool trip, but because there is real pain, real hurt and real people who don’t have any idea that there is a Savior who loves them and wants to be in relationship with them. I will share pictures and post blogs showing not just the good times on the mission field, but also the heartbreaking and real. We are embarking on this journey together for what it is, not for what a cool filter or creative words can portray it to be. So with that, it’s time to get real.
I want to tell you about how I have been wasting the months I have left here in the United States. Knowing that I will be leaving, I seem to have become emotionally detached from everything (what it feels like). I have not been as intentional and I have been very passive to everything happening around me. I don’t know if it’s a guard I’ve put up or if this past year has just numbed me. I stay so busy because I’m trying to distract myself from the fact that I will be leaving it all sooner rather than later. I hangout with friends and do a lot of fun things, but I’m not having the hard conversations, I’m not asking for accountability and I’ve found myself hiding. Undeservedly, I have been given true community who call me out on my b.s., who speak truth into me and who remind me that it is okay to feel.
You can feel numb and still be held.
Ann Voskamp
I have experienced so much heartbreak in the past year and I am trying so hard to avoid it happening again, but in reality so much beauty and grace have been produced due to heartbreak. If I never had my heart broken, I may have never seen my desperate need for a Savior. Looking ahead to my time on the World Race, I know I will see and experience things and people that will absolutely break me and my team. ”Break my heart for what breaks Yours” is a lofty prayer that myself, my teammates and maybe even you have prayed before and it is something that is unavoidable when serving The Lord and His people. When experiencing the heartbreak, may we cling and look to Him for the healing and strength that only He provides.
There has been zero doubt in my mind that I am heading on the path The Lord has set before me, but when I think about the people I’m leaving and the steps it’s going to take to get there, I feel paralyzed. I have been so focused on looking forward, that I have not been looking at where I am now and how this time is just as important. This is all real and true and really truly hard, but The Lord has been gracious in carrying me through it and opening my eyes by placing people in my life who tell me how it is and challenge me to be better. Friends who continually affirm me that I will not be replaced, that my time here is still important and that no. matter. what. I am always loved. I cry as I write this and have come to accept that my first heartbreaks on this journey will happen before I even go overseas.
The enemy is going to continue to try to silence me, but he picked the wrong girl to mess with. God is a god who does not fail and I will not continue to fight Satan in isolation. Please pray that I will use my remaining time here wisely and intentionally and will not be afraid to feel all the beautiful, messy feelings that come with change and growth, even if it involves heartbreak.
If you have made it this far in my post (bless you for your patience), I want you to know that I love you. I am not a “feelsy” person, so to embrace the discomfort and say what I’m feeling is hard for me. I’m really trying. No matter who you are or what you do/have done, I love you. Thank you for being who you are and for taking the time to read my words. I’m done withholding, I’m done being passive and I’m done hiding. By being real with you, I pray that you will be real with me. This journey is just as much yours as it is mine, so let us share, grow, love and pray together.
To Him be ALL the Glory.
