From the beginning of my walk with Jesus I’ve known my testimony was not for me, but for Gods glory. But for the first two months I felt conviction for keeping my testimony to myself and not allowing Holy Spirit to work in other people’s life through it. My good friend and brother in Christ told me once that when telling your testimony, you are asking God to do it again in someone else’s life. God has set me free from bondages and has given me keys to help others who might be struggling with the same things. This blog is about one part of my testimony that I never share because of the shame and guilt I felt towards it. Although God has given me the authority and strength to overcome my flesh and the enemies lies, I still refused to use this certain key to help others in fear, of being misunderstood, or having people condemn me for something I’m already forgiven of. Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy! I’ve been so blessed by God to share my testimony in front of large groups but I have restricted Him by not submitting to His voice about this portion of my life. It’s sad to say but I definitely walked in the fear of man which truly breaks my heart. In Gods patient love He continues to give me strength despite my disobedience to His will. That’s why we must walk in who He says we are and wake up daily dying to our flesh and walking in the spirit. By not letting others into that part of my life I gave room to the enemy to keep me in that shame and guilt throughout my walk. I know you are wondering what portion of my testimony I’m talking about and I’m getting there! This is probably the hardest thing I’ve been blessed to do.
So yesterday on our 22 hr train ride to Tibet the Lord opened up an opportunity for me to trust Him by sharing this part of my life to my brothers and sisters in Christ. But, when the Holy Spirit first told me to, I did what I’ve always done and I ignored his voice about this part of my life. So, after 30 minutes or so my heart is pounding, I’m starting to get nauseous, I’m sweating and I know what I have to do. So, in my Spirit I apologize to God and ask Him to have someone call me out and say that they know I’m supposed to talk. Literally right after saying that Laura looks at me and says, “Austin what do you want to say”. I knew I couldn’t fight any longer, I had to share.
Before I go into the details of what I’m talking about I must give a quick back story of my past. Half way through my senior year of high school during basketball season I tore my ACL. Kind of got depressed during that time and that’s when I’d say I started getting more and more in a pit internally. I began smoking weed and drinking often. For the next 6 years until I gave my life to Jesus, I used pretty much anything to keep me from facing the pain I had deep down. I was a broken person who did a really good job at hiding it. During those 6 years I was so numb to my real feelings that I pretty much lived to party and get with girls. The things of this world are a good time and I won’t sugar coat it. But at the end of the day you feel so empty and lost. Being consumed by so much lust I found myself in a pretty low place.
So fast forward to yesterday, a man fully forgiven and free from struggling with those past sins, and I was still giving room to the enemy by not sharing the freedom of God’s love and grace. As I sat in total fear of opening my heart, I began to speak to my family in Christ about the shame and guilt the enemy used to try and keep His name from being glorified. That pain was my past struggle of homosexuality. I remember the first time I had that thought and it was my junior year of college sitting in my apartment alone smoking a blunt. I now know whose voice that was, and me being so broken I decided to act on that voice. For the next three years of my life I struggled with that alone until that moment after giving my life to Jesus. As I was sitting in my bed, for the first time I verbally spoke with tears running down my face “God I’m not gay, and I’m sorry for everything”. I felt so much sadness, holy reverence, and love in that moment from my father and I know He forgave me. A way weight was taken off my heart and He showed me why Jesus came and died for my sins. He knew I couldn’t do it on my own so in total humility and love stripped Himself and paid the price I deserved.
Now going back to the moment on the train… I poured my heart out about my struggle with that and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. After I finished sharing with my brothers and sisters, they had nothing but love in their eyes and gathered around me and began to pray. What unfolded next was one of the most prophetic things I have ever experienced. When they started praying the train went into a tunnel and everything was so dark. This prayer was not short and still the entire time we were in a tunnel, and the second they got done praying over me and said amen, we left the tunnel and came into the sunlight. The Holy Spirit said to me, “And now you are in the light”. God showed me how so many people are in that moment. Forgiven but not free. I felt like Jonah when he refused to listen to God which only led to more and more trouble. Similarly, in the first year and a half of my walk I didn’t listen to God and it led me to not being free even though I was forgiven. I pray with all my heart that if you are reading this and are not fully free, from which Christ already paid the price, that you share with your brothers and sisters in Christ. The enemy wants to keep you isolated and silent, but once it’s in then light God will deepen the healing in your own heart and even help someone else in the process. I know this topic is controversial but God is very clear about His heart towards it. Our Father is so loving but so just as well. This is something I may struggle with mentally my whole life but through the Holy Spirit and His strength alone I will overcome. I have to wake up daily and die to self, and my love for Jesus means I’ll do anything for Him no matter how painful it is. He gave everything for me so that I can be free and I can now say that I truly am!
