James 4:7-10 says this, ““Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.”
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We just finished up our first session of Safety training. How I’m feeling…..Still. But also on the verge of crying. Not crying because of being overwhelmed or anything but crying because I’m still processing this past two years roughly of walking with Jesus. It’s kinda crazy to think of what God has done in my life but to still be in a place of where I feel like I have no clue what I’m doing… I’m sitting in a hotel about to leave the country for 11 months to tell others of God’s grace and mercy when I myself am still trying to learn what it means to walk in that….My identity is set in Christ and what He did on the cross but when I truly try to express it and how worthless I feel to do so is something I don’t think I can put in words.
How I have truly tasted and seen the holiness/goodness of God; while feeling in my whole being His love and knowing there are people who don’t while trying to process what I’m actually feeling is crazy on top of crazy! When I try to express the love of God like I said I literally weep. My brother in Christ put it in terms of feeling the burden of the Lord. There is this fire in my bones from knowing what I know to be absolute truth beyond anything I have ever felt in my life and then experiencing people who don’t want to hear it when I see how much they are hurting and it brings me to a place on my face crying and it’s a scary place of vulnerability. It’s where God wants me though. A raw walk with Jesus that I’ll never understand. A broken walk with Jesus that has allowed me to be an influence in people’s lives when I can’t take credit for any of it. I’m just a broken guy who cried out for God and He answered. I’m still learning to walk in place of knowing I can’t earn His love and that I can’t mess up His will. All He wants is my whole heart and He will take care of the details.
