im sorry that i blog so infrequently. i know that many of you are praying for me daily. i know that many of you would love it if there was less time in between updates. i appreciate it immensely. it means the world to know that five months after i left there are still people thinking about me and praying for me. the reason that i dont blog more often is because a lot of the time i just dont really know what to say. it hit me a couple of days ago that almost all of my blogs had simply been informative – letting you know where i am, what im doing, who im with, ect. well that is only half of it. i havent really shared with you HOW im doing. i havent shared with you what is going on in my head. i havent shared with you my feelings about the race after five months. part of that was intentional, but wrongfully so. you guys funded this. you are the reason i am here. you gave me your hard earned money. you gave me your time. You committed to pray for me. because of that, i think in some ways i have just been telling you what i thought you would want to hear. the good. the ways God is working. the miraculous encounters. well today that stops. i havent been completely authentic with you.
this trip is hard. im tired. im tired in so many different ways, and im not even really sure why. i am so sick of teaching english. four of the five months so far have been teaching english. i hate teaching. im not good at it. there is value in what we have done but the more we do it, the harder it gets to see. some of you may not know this about me, but im quite introverted. there arent many people that i truly enjoy being around. thats not to say i hate being around people, but most of the time, i am completely content to just be by myself. at home i can choose who i spend time with and when. not on this trip. i knew that was going to be the hardest part for me, and it has been. im with the same five people every single day. and if im being completely honest, these arent the five people i would have chosen to be with. i have very little in common with most of them. because of this, i spent the first couple of months isolating myself from them as much as possible. that led to them being frustrated with me. they had committed to bonding and growing together and wanted me to be a part of that. im not used to that. most of the growth in my relationship with Christ has been by myself. dont get me wrong, there are people that i have allowed to speak into me or that have influenced me and the way i think, but it has never been a way of life for me.
the two biggest things that make up this trip are community and ministry and in so many ways, they are done completely different than i was used to. im used to choosing to be alone and that being okay. im used to getting to go where i want when i want. im used to doing things the way i want to. im used to being in uganda. im used to going from village to village and preaching and praying with people. im used to being tired because i have barely slept between days of ministry. that is the kind of ministry i thought we would predominantly be doing. that is what i thought i had signed up for. that is what i thought God had called me to. well it wasnt.
i know that thus far this blog has just sounded like im complaining, but that really isnt my intention. im just trying to capture for you the emotions and feelings that have overwhelmed and frustrated me over the course of the past five months. God has completely changed me in so many ways and when i come to the end of this trip the growth will GREATLY outweigh the frustrations. God has taught me how to live in community. He has showed me the value in it. He has showed me the importance of putting my comforts and selfishness aside for others. He has showed me how important it is to prefer others above myself – a truth i knew intellectually but dont think i had ever really lived out. He has given me a genuine love for people i have nothing in common with. He has taught me the importance of opening up and being vulnerable with others. He showed me how He works in the mundane. He has proven to me there is an importance in what he has called me to even if i have trouble seeing it sometimes. He has taught me that planting the seeds is just as important as reaping the harvest. He has given me a desire to know Him more intimately, to hear His voice more clearly, and to feel His presence more deeply. the annoyances and frustrations pale in comparison to what He has taught me and showed me. this trip is hard but i am so glad that im on it. im so glad He called me to this. and im so thankful that you guys made it reality.
with love
austin
