For the longest time I prayed for the Lord to show me where He wanted to take me. I prayed diligently for this eye opening thing to occur to me – to hear a sermon and know or to see a picture and my soul to respond.
In the end that isn’t what happened, yet I know that the World Race is what God has been leading me to. To be honest, I sometimes wish I wouldn’t have prayed so diligently.
There are moments when I wish that I was still in the dark about what God wanted me to do. Then I could claim ignorance. I could say I was still searching for the Lord’s will. I could make excuses.
Not anymore. Now it’s real. Now I have no other options.
People say all the time that I’m going on such an adventure and part of me wants to yell at them “I DON’T WANT THIS!”
I don’t want to leave my family. I don’t want to leave my friends. I don’t want to leave my family’s restaurant. I don’t want to leave my church. I don’t want to leave my Wednesday night kids. I don’t want to leave the comfort of America. I don’t want to live in a tent!
Yet I don’t have any other option. I heard the Lord say go, and go I must. This isn’t just an adventure I want to embark on; it’s a calling from the Lord that I can’t deny, even though the selfish part of me wants to stay.
Leading up to training camp I felt guilty that I was having these feelings of regret, heartbroken for what I was giving up to follow God. On day four of training camp, we listened to a talk about abandonment from Bill Swan, the director of the World Race.
He told us that on the Race we are going to have to abandon being at home. Now that everyone has smart phones, it is very easy to be totally involved in what is happening at home and therefore never be fully present on the race. He talked about how some of us we needed to mourn the good things we were giving up. It was like I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding. It was ok to be sad about what I was leaving behind.
I came home on Saturday, exhausted, sick and glad to be back in my comfort zone but that only reminded just how hard leaving would be.
On Sunday we had a “Pie the Pastors” fundraiser at our church picnic. All of our pastors had agreed to participate. Each was assigned a bucket and whichever one raised the most money would get a pie in the face.
As the money came in, all the pastors came over to see who was winning and slipped money in the other guys’ buckets. (Side note: I loved how Chris Clark’s kid put money in his dad’s bucket, best son ever!)
I was reminded how much leaving this community of believers was going to hurt. I’ve thought a lot over the past few years about what following the Lord was going to cost, but Jesus tells us to take up our cross and follow Him. That cross is uncomfortable and it really hurts, but in the end it will all be worth it.
In Matthew 19:27-29 it says this:
Then Peter said in reply. “See, we have left everything and followed you. What then will we have?” Jesus said to them, “Truly, I say to you, in the new world, when the Son of Man will sit on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name’s sake will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life.”
I’m leaving so many good things here in Paducah, yet I know that God has things in store for me that are even greater. When I come back I’ll have family all over the world. I have already gained a family in my squad that is so giving and loving that at times it overwhelms me.
You may have read this and thought “man, she really isn’t excited about this,” and the answer is yes and no. Even though sometimes the sadness of leaving overwhelms me, I am giddy with excitement about this next year.
One thing I’ve learned is that everyone faces these moments in their lives. We each have to decide whether we’re going to answer God’s call or pretend you never heard it.
So what is God calling you to do?
What answer are you getting when you ask “Where do you want me?!”
Most importantly – what are you going to do when He answers?
Will you go without hesitation or will you balk when he says “GO?”
The pain of leaving is very real but I’m sharing it with you because I know that some of you are going through this as well. How is God moving in your life? What scares you about it? What hurts? Please feel free to share that in the comments. I would love to be able to pray for you, as I know you are praying for me.
Love you all!
Audrey
