“I can honestly say that
as a Christian I’ve wasted much time and effort mugging for the cameras. As if
my faith were only lived out in snapshots for a Facebook album. As if playing
“happy family” for an hour on Sunday morning had more value than
putting in the effort to actually live in a way that made my family
happy.
When you’re just mugging
for the cameras, Faith is easy to fake.
But I quickly learned
that when I wasn’t preoccupied with thoughts of “How is this gonna
look?”, the ride itself was a lot more exhilarating.
I long to enjoy God with
that kind of abandon. I want to live out the kind of Faith that puts off false
pretense, rather than adopting it. I want to be thrilled by the path that God
has placed me on, and not preoccupied with how I look while I’m on it.”
-Jamie the Very Worst
Missionary; http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com
Many times when I read Jamie’s blog and read
what she has to say, I think to myself that she should change her label to
“Jamie the 2nd Worst Missionary”. I am by far the WORST missionary!
Just this week I questioned whether God really
exists or not. It wasn’t just a
fleeting thought in my head; the kind of thought we all have at one time
or another. This was a serious
sob-fest, questioning whether I have been worshipping the sky all this time
instead of the God I thought was up in Heaven.
I even called my dad crying hysterically. I feel bad about that phone call now,
because I know I gave him a heart attack when he answered the phone to his
sobbing daughter on the other end! His immediate response was “What?! What
happened?! Are you ok?! What’s going on?!” Unfortunately since I was crying so hard, it took me a
minute to answer him, leaving him in panic mode thinking I had crashed my car
or something equally aweful! I
told him I was fine but that I did not know if I really believed in God
anymore. It broke my heart to
think about because I kept thinking “If I told my earthly dad that I didn’t
believe in him it would destroy him! How can I say that about GOD! I don’t want
to break His heart!”
There is something we Christians like to call
a “desert season”. That is what I
have been going through. A time in
my life when I don’t really understand ANYTHING! I have no idea what life is going to hold but I am feeling
the pressure to have future plans since I am supposed to be an adult with a
life plan by now! I feel the pressure to thrive in my
job and be successful. I feel the
pressure to act and look like society expects me to. And to be completely honest, all of the pressure (imagined
or real) is taking its toll on me.
It is so hard for me to admit that I am struggling, because I AM A
MISSIONARY! Shouldn’t I have it
all together?!
Well,
the jigs up! I am totally and completely and desperately LOST! And in the midst of it all, the part
that hurts the most, is I cannot hear or feel God right now. I KNOW that He is real and that He is
always there for me! I have gotten
over that hurtle, but even though I know He is real, He feels absent. There is a void in my life and in my
heart. I am empty and broken. Plain and simple; I am a mess!
My
roommate has a tattoo on her arm written in Gypsy that says “Beautiful
Disaster”. That pretty much sums
me up right now! I know that God
loves me and that He will never leave or forsake me. I know that while I walk through the “desert” He is walking
right beside me. But, like Jamie
says,
“I want to live out the kind of Faith that puts off false
pretense, rather than adopting it. I want to be thrilled by the path that God
has placed me on, and not preoccupied with how I look while I’m on it.”
I
don’t want a faith that other people think is impressive! I want a faith that
is real, authentic and can move mountains! I want to believe with all of my
heart that God is REAL, that He is my FATHER and that He will NEVER leave
me! I want to get through this
season stronger than ever because even in the midst of the silence, even when I
cannot feel God move, I KNOW He still exists. I’m sure there are still a lot of tears ahead of me, the
road will never be smooth and perfect.
I still have NO IDEA what the future holds but the thing I do know, is
that even when I am a DISASTER, God sees me as BEAUTIFUL!
