A few days ago, I was having a terrible day. I was just completely filled with hatred towards everyone and everything including myself and including God. Life just didn’t make any sense and I was tired of trying and failing and trying to sort out what this crazy life is all about while watching everyone else who seemed to be making great progress unlike myself. I did a pretty good job keeping a smile on my face throughout the day so my team wouldn’t suspect anything and ask questions and try to make me feel better. But that night our team had planned a night watch so we were all expected to spend at least two hours of the night in prayer for the country of Montenegro. I had signed up for 5 to 7 am. As I went to bed I very grumpily thought to myself that I would just wake up and pretend to be praying because I didn’t want to pray. One of my team members came to wake me up so I could come and pray for my two hours(I was signed up with two others for that time frame). I was in such a horrible mood that I did just about the most immature thing ever and went and locked myself in the bathroom so I could go back to sleep, not have to pray, and no one could do anything about it because under no circumstances was I going to unlock that door. Luckily no one bugged me so I could just go back to sleep in peace…only I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was how angry God must be at me for skipping out in order to sleep and how my team was probably disappointed in me and I was probably going to be greeted with cold stares and a lecture on how everyone needs to be a part of team activities the moment I worked up the courage to open the bathroom door.
Then a fleeting thought passed through my mind…”Wouldn’t it be nice if I could walk out of the bathroom and be given a big hug and told that it’s ok that I was immature and locked myself in the bathroom to avoid praying? Wouldn’t it be nice if someone would just say to me that they love me and it’s ok that I hate everything right now and it’s ok that from my current point of view I’m pretty much a failure in every sense of the word…academically, financially, socially and spiritually?”
Then I felt like God was saying those things to me. That He loves me and it’s ok that I’m a mess. That, in fact, He doesn’t see a mess, He sees his precious child. I just can’t fathom His love! It’s completely beyond me!
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
-Romans 5:8
David said to Gad, “I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the LORD, for his mercy is great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men.”
-2 Samuel 24:14
