It’s month 7 of the World Race and if there’s been one thing I’ve learned it’s that faith with out action is dead. For a long time before the race I would talk the talk, but failed to always walk the walk. Shrinking back when I was afraid of what others would think of me. Living life like that is exhausting, trying to hide who you really are rather than who God created you to be.
“God is looking for people through whom He can do the impossible. What a pity we plan to do only the things that we can do by ourselves.” A.W. Tozer
Isn’t this the truth. “I’m fine,” “I can do it,” were always responses to things that I thought I could handle on my own. I don’t need help. I. I. I. Well, with that resilience that everything was “fine,” I developed an eating disorder. The stress of beginning college, fear of the “freshmen 15” and struggling with comparison of body image were all mountains I thought I’d be fine conquering on my own. God wasn’t a present support line in my life and I thought everything I had done up to that point had been on my own accord anyways, so why would college be any different. As the college year progressed, I regressed. I internalized a lot of emotions and stress I was facing, not wanting to be a burden onto others. When others noticed something was wrong I would reply, “I was fine.” By the end of the year I reached a place where my thoughts were completely wrapped up in obsessive thoughts of what I looked like and what I was eating. I thought that just one more day would bring me complete happiness. Like somehow looking like a model or eating healthy foods would bring me fullness and complete the meaning of life. So there I was, at 18 years old, facing something I never imagined I would. And through it all I still kept my mentality of “I can overcome this,” “I am fine,” “I don’t need your help.” I also didn’t need Christ’s help clearly because he wasn’t even on my radar still. My strength was my own, right? I planned to get back to “normal” all by myself.
What would God use any of this for anyways? I just want to move on and forget. You can judge me for this thinking, but I know many can relate. We shame ourselves and then build up walls around us to protect us. We keep a facade on the outside that we’re fine but on the inside we just running in circles because we actually have no idea how to get out and move on, on our own! We live in a “cycle of obsessive rumination.” We never forget, never move on. We do grow, but only in bitterness and false identity. We compare ourselves to others and live in constant consciousness of our wrong behavior. Brene Brown says, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” And when we don’t think we can change, we stay stuck behind our wall. That wall starts to feel comfortable and the lie the enemy planted so long ago becomes our hiding place. Whenever someone challenges that belief that we are actually not fine, we become defensive.
I thought I had moved on.
I had done it.
I was free.
I was wrong.
I realized that all I had done with my past eating disorder was build up a strong wall around it. Inside the wall I played the victim card when I wanted self pity or attention. I became prideful. “Look what I accomplished,” “I overcame this.” Why would others dare question me that I hadn’t. Why were family and friends still checking in and treating me like I was different. The bigger question to ask was why did it bother me that they did?
The sad truth that all these signs pointed to was, I had only convinced myself that I was free.
So let me tell you a greater story. The story of a God who sent his son to die on the cross for our sins. He died and took not only my shame, but yours too. To the cross our passions and desires of sinful nature were nailed so we can walk in freedom giving glory to him. So we can live our lives walking out the purposes he created us for.
Christine Caine says it better than I can in her book “Unashamed”, “Because of God’s great love, I began to discover the power of God’s Word to break through the lies I had believed—and to reveal the truth of who I am and why I was created. Notice that the key word in that sentence is began. Breaking free from the shackles of shame is not an overnight experience or a quick-fix, ten-step process. It is, however, a grand, ongoing adventure of discovering the depths of God’s love and the huge scope of God’s power to transform us, re-create us, and continually renew us. I am still discovering deeper aspects of those things, after all this time, and I know the process will not end until I meet him face to face.”
“Being set free and walking in freedom are not the same.”
I share this blog because here I stand 7 years later, on the other side of that wall. I finished college with a degree in Nutrition and became a Registered Dietitian. Ironic? I used to think so, but not any more. See, I have learned that God allows us to experience things to better relate to others. I have learned that the strength of Christ and the perseverance of the holy spirit driving me forward are what have got me to this place. My relationship with God has been my highest priority above all else shifting the focus off of myself and my inabilities to Gods capabilities.
Our sins are not something we can fight in our own strength. His power is made perfect in our weakness. “I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” It is a process we must choose to walk through or we will never experience the full freedom God wants us to walk in.
So join in with me to keep walking out our own walk not settling for what only ourselves can accomplish.
