“Fear is excitement without breath.” // Robert Heller
At this point of the Race, we have a lot to be excited about.
For starters, it’s month 10. We can be excited that we’ve made it this far. We can also be excited about seeing our friends and families in less than two months. We can be excited about job offers, grad school, and Chick-fil-A.
All those things aside, we are excited for these next two months and what they will bring. The growth, the relationships, the ministry, and the people.
As we walk in this excitement of all these new things and possibilities, we need to remember to take a second.
Breathe.
Because it can all get to be a little overwhelming.
I recently read an article that quoted Robert Heller saying “Fear is excitement without breath.” Those words practically jumped off the page and slapped me in the face.
Taking that second to breathe is essential, because before we know it, that excitement can turn to fear right before our eyes. Cus you know who isn’t exciting about these next two months? Satan. And Satan loves fear.
He knows your weak spots, past struggles, and how to attack your spirit in a way that feels like it’s your fault.
When we crossed the border from Thailand in to Cambodia, I felt a familiar heaviness. It weighed down on me and immediately changed my spirit, my mood, and the way I interacted with the people around me.
Our first 4 days in Cambodia were spent in Siem Reap for a leadership development weekend. We often have these between months to rest up, worship together, and learn from leadership and the rest of our squad in break out sessions.
Day 1 was an off/rest day and I did NOT want to get out of bed. So I didn’t. I got up, made some coffee, and promptly laid back down to continue a Harry Potter marathon with Kayla. But as time passed, I had to face the day and honor the plans I had made with friends the day before.
I trudged through the next day and a half feeling bitter, lonely, on edge, and overall stressed the hell out. I found myself having trouble breathing. I had no clue where it was coming from. That is, until Kayla and I had a little chat in the stairwell of the hotel.
She opened up and told me how she had been feeling since we had gotten to Cambodia.
Heavy. Depressed. Anxious. Suicidal. Struggles from her past were creeping in again.
“So how are you feeling?” she asked. Such a simple question. And I had a pretty simple answer.
Simple, but very, very raw.
“No good…. pretty shitty actually.” And for the next ten minutes, I spewed out everything I’d been feeling in a mess of tears. Things that were unwelcome yet familiar, everything that was dark, everything that was bothering me, how I was tired of being tired, and basically everything that didn’t feel like me.
What was happening to me?
Looking to God, I felt like Harry in The Half Blood Prince while he’s begging Dumbledore to just LOOK AT HIM and explain what the heck is going on.
I thought I was done with feeling anxious all the time. I thought I was done with wanting to crawl in to bed, sink in to the sheets, and just stay there forever. I thought I was done having a constant weight one my chest making it difficult to take in any air.
What’s WRONG with me?
But nothing was wrong with me. It was all from the enemy. He was attacking my spirit with that familiar feeling of anxiety. That feeling that had ruled my life for my last 3 years of college and the first 2 months of my World Race.
God freed me from my struggle with anxiety after leaving Lesvos at the end of October and told me to leave it on that island and never look back.
I’ve walked in freedom from that for 7 months now. And if Satan thinks he can use that to get to me, he needs to think again. Because this time around, I know the truth that has been spoken over me. I know the Lord freed me from that anxiety, and if I ever feel it again, then it is not in His will or timing. It’s straight from the enemy.
That’s right Satan. Once again, I see what you’re doing, and you’re still not that clever.
If anything, this has strengthened my prayer life. Yes, I still feel angry most of the day. Yes, I still feel on edge and stressed out by the little things. And yes, I still catch myself only taking in tiny sips of air – having to remind myself to breathe.
But I also know not to give in to those feelings or to sit in them, letting them fester. I feel them coming on, I sit back, and I give it to God.
“Okay, you gotta take this one, cus I don’t even have enough strength to walk alongside you in this. It’s all you Dad.” I can’t keep throwing punches, because this is a fight He’s already won for me.
I’ve learned to step aside and let God take the lead until I can learn where my place is in all of this. I know that if I try to walk with Him, I’ll end up trying to take over. So He’s in charge. I’m taking the back seat.
And with each spiritual attack, I’ll take a deep breath. I’ll turn away from fear and live out this excitement I have for these last 2 months of my Race.
