I walked into the cafeteria. Cream colored corduroy overalls covered my long lankly legs as my eyes looked through circular shaped glasses to find a place to sit. Lunch time in junior high is hard. Lunch time in junior high without friends is even harder. I wasn't exactly new. I had been the new kid 3 years prior. I was just invisible or so I thought. One day….one day when courage overcame my fear, one day when my desire to be accepted overcame my fear of not fitting in; I began to pray in the lunch line for the decision I was about to make. A decision much bigger than apple sauce or a fudge round and pizza or frito chili pie (which I ate entirely too much of). I was tired, I was desperate, I was hopeful, I was brave. Holding my mustard colored plastic tray with chocolate milk and frito chili pie; I walked up to a table where there were just a few seats left and sat down next to a group of girls dressed from head to toe in Old Navy, Polo, and Tommy Hilfiger outfits with Kswiss or doc martens on their feet and all of their Lisa Frank school supplies stacked neatly on the table. I sat down next to girls who wore the coolest butterfly clips in their hair, marble bracelets on their wrists, and who said "da bomb" every other sentence.
I sat down next to the most popular girls in school while my face turned blue from holding my breath for too long. The next thing that happened is an event that I will never forget, a moment's memory that makes me feel a little bit of sorrow but is soon erased by humor. That group of girls, the girls who cheered at all of the games, the girls who's mothers obviously knew how to do perfect French braids; those girls looked at me in sheer disbelief, whispered to each other, pressed their hands against the table as they stood, picked up their plastic mustard colored trays, and moved to a different table. They were the "popular" kids and I wanted to be just like them.
When you read this, I don't want you to be sad. I don't want pity, I don't want you to think that the "popular" kids are all horrible because let's face it, we were kids. The point is, is that we all seek acceptance and we will do whatever it takes to achieve just that. Whether that means trying to sit with the cool kids during lunch, opting into gossip, doing multiple keg stands, or even joining a gang; we aim for approval. We have a desire to find our place. We consistently chase after what we think we know. We constantly cling on to things that we do not know and we are carelessly, hopelessly, helplessly seeking acceptance.
As humans, we have a sense of safety in acceptance. When people applaud us for our jokes or commend us for our accomplishments, we gain security. We go above and beyond to impress. We tell jokes that we don't find funny, we laugh at jokes that aren't, and we clap for people who should be slapped. We dress to impress and not just our appearances. Our personality is a mere portrayal of what we think people will like. We fear being ourselves and the truth is; some people have no idea who that is at all. This is what cynical confirmation does. This is what ignorant approval does. This is what negatively fueled affirmation does. And people wonder where they lost their identity. It was probably along the road to Acceptance.
I have been around the world, I have traveled more than 40,000 nautical air miles, I have experienced culture, I have witnessed murder, I have seen cruelty and hate but I have also seen hope and loyalty and redeeming, long-lasting, unconditional love. Along the road that has become my past, I have learned that the road to acceptance is one that has no worth. If I were to choose any road to take; it would be named that of Rejection after all, there is no guarantee along the road to Acceptance.
You see, although one road seems good and one seems bad; the truth is, the road we each should easily go down is that of Rejection. You may or may not know about a guy named Jesus, you know, one of the main characters in the bible. You might know exactly who I am talking about or you might be mumbling under your breath "Great, this girl is religious." Before you decide to close the tab or click to another page, I would like to make a bet that you probably have not heard of Jesus in the perspective you are about to read and if you have, well Gold star for you. Jesus lived a sinless life, he traveled to places where society no longer resided, and he loved those who seemed to be loveless. He walked many miles towards what would someday be the place where he was nailed to a cross. He stood up for what he believed in and was beaten and eventually killed by the very people who, not only should have supported him the most, but who should have accepted him. I believe he chose to go down this road because he knew how many people he could help along the way. He didn't travel to the churches, he didn't spend his time with the wealthy and healthy, and he didn't sit at the "popular table." He humbly walked down the road to Rejection and became friends with just that, the rejects.
My time in junior high was memorable. I wanted to wear the new Nike shoes, I wanted to have the stylish backpack, I wanted to be "cool." My idea of acceptance consisted of materialistic objects and a more harsh attitude towards my peers. If you look at the definition of "popular," these things, were anything but that.
pop·u·lar [pop-yuh-ler] regarded with favor, approval, or affection by people in general
In high school, my attitude changed. I was no longer concerned about what clothes I would wear, who I would sit with at lunch, or who I could call friend at the end of the day. I dressed differently and I liked it. I sat with different groups of people for breakfast AND lunch and I chose to be nice to everyone because my parents always told me "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I wore rainbow colored toe socks with flip flops just because I thought it was cool and I would quote Napolean Dynamite relentlessly because I thought it was funny. I believe I left a long-lasting impression; I can only hope that it was a positive one. In the end, I chose sympathy instead of cruelty, I chose genuineness instead of falsehood, and I chose rejection instead of acceptance. After all, the destination at the end of Rejection is ironically what we all pursue. Oh, and if you are wondering if there was a happy ending, did I make it out alive, or even better, was I popular? Well…you decide.
I am ready to continue down the road to Rejection and if you would like to help me do so, please consider making a donation; I am still in need of $6000. Please click on the link to the left that says DONATE NOW and make your contribution. Even the smallest amount can make a huge difference.
If you would like to make a donation, please click on the link below :))
Follow Me on Instagram: aubrays
