Today was pivotal. You see, I’ve sung my entire life. My mom said I could sing before I could talk, if that’s even possible. By the time I was 6, my mom started taking me to singing lessons and my grandma would come and watch. Neither of them missed me singing. Not once. Someone was at every recital, concert, audition, and every performance. And then life kinda happened. I got discouraged, was told that I didn’t have a “church” voice, and that I would never do anything with music; all from different people, in completely different settings. So… for four years I went silent. I didn’t sing, ever. Shower songs were even out of the question and I could barely open my mouth long enough to sing in the car when I was alone. I didn’t sing in bars or coffee shops and I definitely didn’t sing at church.
Every time I dropped back into Wichita Falls, my grandma would ask me to come to her church and sing, but I just couldn’t. I could barely sing when I was by myself, let alone sing in front of others. On top of that, there was no way that I could sing in a church when the voice that came out of my mouth wouldn’t quite meet the standard of what a “church voice” entailed. Whatever that is. Then God started working on my heart in 2013. I sang out loud for the first time in four years in Romania. I sang for the first time at a church in 8 years, in Moldova. I performed at a sky rise restaurant in Thailand. I came back to the states, but still had not sung on American soil. Then, God opened another door. I specifically prayed that if I was ever supposed to sing in church again, even if it was merely to walk through the last bit of hurt that I had experienced; that a stranger would ask me to do so. No more than 30 days went by and I got asked by someone who was a guest worship leader and someone who clearly, did not know anything about me. I sang that Sunday and my entire family was there, even my grandmother.
Two weeks ago I came back from living in Spain and my grandma wasn’t doing too well. I had been told that she was holding on so that she could say goodbye to me. I had written a few songs during my time in Spain and had worked with a friend on one of those songs before I returned. I knew that I wanted my grandma to hear it. So, I wrote my friend who was 5000 miles away and asked if he could make it happen. The next day I received the full song recorded. He sang my song and I was able to play it for my grandma. I played it for her that day and I played it for her the first day she was admitted to Hospice. She was only in Hospice one day. It was the last song that she heard.
My grandmothers last wish was that I would sing at her funeral. I planned to record something since I didn’t know if I would be capable of doing it live. I thought about it a lot and realized, I had to give it my all. I had to push through the hurt of losing her to make her final request become a reality. Yesterday, I sang in church again. I sang out-loud, in person, no recording. Those three minutes were pretty significant for me but more than you could imagine. I sang in my grandmas church but you see, it’s more than about the location I was at. My grandma was legally blind almost my entire life and although I don’t know exactly what heaven looks like along with knowing that you don’t need eyes to hear; I would like to think that God recorded that moment for her and that she was able to not only hear me sing, but she was also able to see me sing for the first time.
“Sometimes when you are willing to step out and do something that you have always feared; only then will you know what it is like to truly be seen.”
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