May 31, 2014 marks the day my feet touched that sweet Texas soil for the first time in 6 years. Yes, I had traveled back to see the place where I was raised, reunite with old friends, and visit my family numerous times before, however, the Aubray everyone knew was never truly 'home.'
You see, I chose to jump on a roller-coaster ride in the Spring of 2008 in and through the relationship with the man I would spend the next three years with. As the ride continued, I walked into a work industry that was less than honorable; I resented the church and didn't believe in God. I walked away from my family, gave up on my dreams, and clung to the dignity that I thought I had left. The girl that could make an entire room laugh, a person who could bring people from all over the world together, the friend that did not see color, race, or ethnicity, the daughter that parents could be proud of… she no longer existed. I was no longer Aubray. Somewhere after the launch track and before the lift hill, I chose to accept the fact that the person who looked back at me in the mirror deserved her fate. The roller coaster began to go downwards at full force, just like my view on life.
What purpose did I have?
How could I be like this?
How could I shut people out?
How could I give up on everything that I had ever believed in?
I chose to continue walking in that darkness for the next few years searching for meaning in places that ended up empty. My heart became hardened, cold, and selfish. I didn't care about anybody but myself, even if I secretly pretended to.
Somehow in the midst of my misery, that roller coaster took a different turn. Instead of holding onto the handlebars with clinched fists, I chose to let go. I let go of everything; the regret, the disappointment, the people who let me down, and the person I had chose to become. That ride, it eventually came to a stop and I chose to get off. Although, I was no longer on it, I carried much of what had happened to me, with me. I carried it and allowed it to create a bitterness in the realms of my heart. I had to protect myself this time. I couldn't allow myself to be hurt. I thought I could protect it all by myself but in that, I made a deal with the devil. I chose to believe the lies he spoke to me and enabled my heart to remain emotionless, locked deep into a coffin of darkness.
I went to China. I moved there at the age of 24 not knowing a soul, the language, or where I would live. I had to do something different, I had to start living a little, and in that, God began revealing himself to me. It was in China that I truly started to believe in God. It was in China where I had to face the choices I had made, the forgiveness I needed to give, and the regret that I needed to let go of. It was in China that I finally hit rock bottom. I started to be made new there, I mean, everything IS Made in China. I treasured the people who were near me during that time, even if they didn't have a clue to my previous life or what I was presently going through. It was in China that I heard God for the first time and listened. I listened when he told me to go back to America and 'wait.'
I waited for exactly 4 months until he told me to travel around the world. He told me that he had things to teach me, places to show me, and people that could heal me. I think you could guess my thoughts as I rolled my eyes. "I don't need to be 'helped.' I am not going on this trip for myself; I'm going on it so I can help others." Within the first two months, it was more than obvious why God had called me to sacrifice a year of my life for him. He needed to heal me. I had lessons to learn, people to meet, and I needed to allow my heart to fully heal.
This past year, has been a different sort of ride. It has been long, tiresome, and at times, painful. However, it has been beautiful, meaningful, and redemptive. I was a very different person when I got onto that 747 and left the USA in July of 2013; I am a very different person now. I can't even begin to write about all that God has done in my life but what I can say is that, if you are willing, if you are faithful, and if you are brave; God can create that change that you want. He can go into those dark places and shine light, if you let him.
Oh, and China. I ended up there. It's crazy how God works. He knows the desires of our hearts. Not only did I get to go back to the very place where I found God, but I got to go back and share my story with the people who were there for it all along. I got to tell them how broken I was, how horrible of a person I had been, how sad I was, and then I got to show them what God has done since then, what he is doing now, and what he will do. I love my Chinese friends. I love the friends I have made all around the world this past year. I have been blessed beyond measure and I am in awe at what I have been given. Now, I am in Texas. I am sitting in the living room of my parent's home. The parents who welcomed me back with open arms after I chose to walk away from them the first time. The parents who welcomed me home with a proud embrace the day I finally returned. The parents who were my number one supporters this past year. The parents who have shown me what unconditional love and support looks like. The parents who I cannot even begin to express how much I appreciate, love, and honor. I love you Silver Possom and Rekooh.
After 6 long years..
I am finally, home.
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