I never want to get married….
There were not many things I was sure of a year ago but this was one of them. I had my go at the relationship thing. I put my heart on the line but more than that, I gave my heart away…. completely. I didn't hold back in doing so and where did I end up, what did I have to show for it? A year ago, I was still mourning the loss for the pieces of me I had been so willing to give way, coping with how easy it was for those very pieces to be taken, tossed around, and not really cared for. I had lost so much that it became almost natural to continue losing. For so long I believed in this idea of love, this idea that one day I would meet someone who had been waiting for me all along, and someone who finally felt complete because I was the missing piece to his puzzle. I believed so much that this love, the kind that makes you sick and crazy and cheesy… that it would envelope who I was and who I had been all along. I held onto it for so long, I held it tightly, and I was prepared to always believe in it. I was willing to fall, eyes closed, zero gravity. I began to fall but my eyes were open, caught up in a chaotic catastrophe, until I landed hard. I woke up on rock bottom and had reached the scariest of destinations where I felt nothing.
Destruction occurred and disaster took this love and hid it deep in the depths of my heart. Time was my enemy and as my heart endured more blows; that idea, that belief, that dream of love… it disappeared. I became emotionless, my heart was locked in a coffin, safely secure in the darkness that kept it company. The road of bitterness and anger took me to the intersection of hopelessness and sorrow. I didn't believe in love and as a result, I couldn't receive it. Life was a zombie crawl towards just maintaining oxygen and I was okay with that. Not feeling was better than the repercussions of what could result from choosing to feel. I was a light switch with no on.
As a result of my inability to love or receive it, my heart hardened towards men. How could I respect them? How could I trust them? How could I follow one and know that they wouldn't lead me astray? How could I ever love one or better yet, how on earth would I ever marry one? I had been used, abused, and discarded. I remember standing there, thinking about the life that I had, the effort I had put in, the love I had given for years. How easy it was to walk away from. How easy it was to move on. How easy it was to, in a sense pretend that all that time, never happened at all because how can someone you love with every depth of your being, walk away so easily? I could deal with the abuse and manipulation but what I couldn't accept was how easily forgotten I was. Did I mean anything at all? All of those pieces I gave away, they seemed to not mean anything. I was so easily replaced and this only added a crack to my already broken heart. Before I knew it, my heart was a mere pile of shattered pieces. There was no way it could ever be reassembled. There was no way it would be whole. There was absolutely no way that any man could fix it or that I could ever let one try. After coming to this realization and looking back at the roads my heart had chosen to go, it became very clear that I would never find that man I had always believed in. I wouldn't find him and he wouldn't find me because he didn't exist. For the first time in a long time, I was sure about something and that was, I never want to get married and reason after reason assured me of this decision.
I didn't think I could love again.
I didn't think I would ever be able to accept love.
I didn't think I deserved a "Godly" man.
I didn't think I had anything to offer ANY man.
I didn't think I would ever truly recover.
It's amazing where God takes us, the people he brings along our paths, and his ability to truly show us how much he specifically cares for each of us. In July, I didn't respect men and by August, God had put men in my life to show me that some were worth being respected. In August, I doubted the fact that men could lead in a positive way and by September, I was hesitantly following a man in leadership who surpassed my expectations of what a great leader was and by October was trusting the very men that God had placed in my life. I still had my doubts and had come to the realization that although there were a few good men in the world, I would never be able to open up or better yet, even talk to men who were strangers. I would never have a conversation with one in the subway station, I would simply ignore those who crossed my path, and I would never invest in a man even if it was ministry.
Then God happened.
My mind began reestablishing what men were capable of and better yet, what I was capable of seeing in them. My heart began to open and in obedience, I chose the master of art to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and begin creating something new. In the past 5 months, I have prayed for men in the pubs of Ireland, I've shared my testimony with a guy at a club in Nepal, I've made long lasting friendships with 4 amazing Indian guys, and I've genuinely loved the men going through rehabilitation for drugs and gangsterism at Camp Joy in South Africa. When I put it all together, I'm floored. I'm stunned at how God works. I'm shocked at how he can give us just what we need if we are just willing to accept it. I'm surprised at myself for choosing obedience and for letting God truly take control of the pieces of my heart that I thought would no longer feel or be felt. Not only has the master of all art begun recreating my heart but as he picks up each piece, he puts warmth and life and peace into it.
My month in South Africa was life changing. It was a month when God did things, healed areas, and shined light on places that i never thought could be reached. He placed people but not just people, MEN in my life to show me how much he truly cares about me. He used men with recent addiction to show me that a man actively pursuing Christ can be transformed and he showed me that the very gangsters who were hard just like me… that he could soften their hearts and that I could find a safety in sharing who I was with them. He showed me that even the most broken of men, men who had lived a life filled with violence and who's hands were used to holding guns, that I could love these men and even more, that I could accept the love they were giving to me. As I sit here, thinking about the friendships I've made in South Africa alone, God has truly done one final thing in recreating my heart; he has put a safety coat around it and sealed it with the promise that not only do I have things to offer but that I deserve MORE. A woman broken by this world, torn apart by my past, and held captive by so long from the fear of having no value….that I deserve MORE. He has whispered gently to me that although I find myself of little worth, I AM worthy. He has made a promise to me that he will bless me abundantly and give me all the things that my heart desires. It's humbling when I acknowledge this. It brings tears to my eyes in knowing that I know someday God will have someone he made special just for me and this person will surpass any and all expectations of what I thought I was worthy of having.
I deserve the best.
I deserve to be pursued.
I deserve to love.
I deserve to be loved.
I will be loved.
I AM loved.
One day, I want to get married.
