This seems like ages ago. It seems like a different lifetime or not even a life at all because of how broken I was and how sorrow consumed my soul. However, I want to take the people who know me and know my story as well as the ones who don't; I want to take you back to a memory, a time, a glimpse of what my past looked like. A time that seemed like a lifetime in itself but now seems like a lifetime ago and in actuality it was because I am not the same person I was back then.
I graduated in 2008 with a degree that I couldn't use. I graduated into the worst recession since the Great Depression. There were not a lot of job opportunities and after being an Electrician for 6 months, I decided to move to a city where there were more opportunities. I met someone, I fell in love, I searched endlessly for a job and after applying for hours upon hours for weeks at a time, I finally decided to work in a place I thought I would never step foot in. I was back in the restaurant industry and it was not just any restaurant; it was one where applicants sign a contract that they are hired as models and that one can be fired at any moment if their makeup is not done properly or their fitness is not up to par. I worked in an environment where women are actually selling the food and using their bodies to do so. I worked between four walls, four walls that made me question if any good men still existed, if an honest marriage was just a figment of my imagination, and if I could ever be a person of integrity again. The environment that became comfortable for me became a poison that quickly spread throughout my life and not only that, but the very man I thought that would discourage me in continuing the 'sale', encouraged me to maintain it. It was years later, I realized he was no man at all and even further, not a Godly man or the man God intended me to be with.
My life, if one can even call it that, was empty. Days became weeks, weeks became months, and months enabled the earth to spin 732 days before I even acknowledged where all that time had gone. I had given up on hope and through that, I had given up on myself. My identity was not my own and all of that time, well…it was consumed in chasing things that would bring a moment of happiness and years worth of pain. I walked away from the things I loved, I gave up on my dreams, I chose to believe lies that made me question who I was, but most importantly I lost faith in something greater than myself and I didn't believe in God.
For some of those who read this, you might have seen or witnessed or even heard one or two or a few of the stories of what my life looked like back then. If I was asked to write down all of the great memories I had during those couple of years, I wouldn't need anything more than a sheet of paper and I would most likely skip lines. I weighed 85 pounds when I hit rock bottom, at one point I went 6 days without a single bite of food, my mind wandered constantly, purpose fled from the stick figure I had become, my heart almost stopped beating, and there is no exaggeration when I say that I was a breath from death. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a ghost of a person; a person I myself did not even know. While my physical state was apparent that I had been and was suffering something serious it did not even exemplify the tragedy that my heart had learned to accept. I was dying from the inside out and yearned to find a reason that I was still alive.
During that time, I cried out to Jesus. I mourned for the loss of things I wanted, the things I did, and the person I willingly had become. I wept for the mistakes I had made, for the innocence I had lost, and for the destruction I had caused. I was on a continuous roller coaster, tightly locked in beneath straps stitched with complacency and sides seamed in anguish. I didn't understand where the God that everyone talked about, the God that I had researched thoroughly, the God that was easy for me to believe in as a child, and the God that was one who 'saves', where exactly he had been all of that time. Looking back, it is easy for me to realize that something much greater than myself was keeping me alive. I had fallen long before the moment that I had acknowledged the fall and it wasn't by myself that I made it to where I ended up years later; it is not by myself that I am where I am today.
So what is the purpose in this blog? What is the meaning behind the words on this page? What is the point of giving all of the unnecessary background information?
The point is that God provided people who played a crucial role in those years of my life, even if it was during the darkest of them all. He placed individuals who told me I deserved better regardless if I believed it and he used humans to build a structure to support my heart in order to compensate for the one that had crumbled. The point is, is that I have a past, I have made huge mistakes that will impact me for years to come, and I am imperfect. The point is, that in and through that, God welcomed me home with open arms, arms that he picked me up with when I had fallen a long time ago. The point is, I was rescued and I am rescued. The point is, you are too. We each have a past and if you find yourself living in regret, searching for a purpose, or doubting your existence; I want you to know that there is a reason you are still here. I would like to encourage you to allow God to come into the areas of your heart and shine light on those dark places, and know that even if I do not know you, you can find a friend in me.
I would like to thank anyone and everyone who remained close even when I pushed you away during those times in my life. I want to thank my friends who waited patiently until the real Aubray returned, I want to thank the kind gestures that were done during the times when my spirit was completely broken, I want to thank my family for loving me even when I was hard to love, and I want to thank God for rescuing me, for tenderly holding me close, for breathing life into me, and for welcoming me home.
"But it was appropriate to celebrate and be glad, for this, your brother, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found."
The name of the restaurant will not be mentioned in order to protect the reputation of the women who have, are, and will continue to work there. One can only hope that their hearts will be opened, their hearts will be changed, and their hearts will be healed the way in which my own was. If you work or worked in this industry with me, I want you to know I understand, I've been there, and I love you.
