This question haunts me day in and day out. What am I doing with my life? Is there a specific place I should spend the rest of it?
I must admit that these first three months I have looked around at the culture, the locals, and the land. I’ve seen that my puzzle piece does not fit here and like a check list I have checked each and every country off of my list of potential countries to spend the rest of my life. This results in my tuning out to my surroundings. Not fully investing my all into ministry and feeling lost.
So, because I do not feel as if I’ve given one hundred percent to ministry in the past few months, (by choice and by happenstance) does this mean that God loves me any less? Does this mean that I made the wrong decision in devoting 11 months of my life to this? These fears and doubts have clouded my mind the past few weeks.
The answer to the first question is definitely not! God loves me just the same. The truth is that cannot earn the love he offers. I have to accept it. His love for me is not based on my performance. There is a quote that I heard years ago and I need to remind myself of it often.
“If you are afraid of messing up your walk with God you are living a lie, Jesus is holding this thing together.” – Jack Mooring
And what about these 11 months I’ve committed to? Did I make the right choice? From my human view point things look bleak at this point. Looking as things realistically, I need $2,200 in the next 10 days in order to stay on the field.
It’s easy to have doubts. It’s easy to see that maybe this is the end of this journey for me. I can look back and see that God miraculously provided in the past and is fully capable of doing the same now….yet I doubt. I wonder if this is how he planned it all to happen.
Do not worry! This is not an attempt for me to guilt you into giving to me. I want you to pray God’s will be done. If it’s time for me to go home, I am ready to accept that truth and know that God has some great things planned for me. If God does provide though, it will be confirmation to me doubts that God does indeed want me here. That my first three months were not in vain.
So please….(And I cannot believe I am saying this)…but DO NOT dig into your pockets. DO NOT give me your money. I want to know what God wants with me for sure. If money comes, this is where I’ll stay. But if not, I am soooo ready to come home.
So now, we sit and wait. Pray with me that God will speak clearly to me during this time. I am aware that my actions do not dictate his love for me, but I still have this desire to do exactly the right thing. I do not want to waste a moment.
