China. A place of so many firsts.
A place where I had to use to my first squatty potty, experienced my first faith walk, drank bagged milk, got to break some spiritual strongholds, ate the face of a yak, adopted the world’s first traveling turtle, and found out what it really truly actually means to find my identity as a daughter of the King and walking in that every single freaking day.
Each day that I am here, the Lord leads me more and more into who I am as His child. This is something I have struggled with truly grasping my entire life,
I have grown up in church with songs that say things like, ‘I am a child of God’ or, ‘You’re a Good Good Father’, and to me these words were beautiful and meaningless. This wasn’t anything that I needed because I have a perfectly good dad that I can talk to and who will talk back to me (what a concept).
It wasn’t until I was 7,000 miles away from that very dad and on hour 23 of a train ride, traveling with four people I had met only briefly a month before, sitting across from a woman who was eating an entire chicken foot, that I found myself running desperately to the comfort of the Father.
But I guess this was His plan all along. He knew that it wasn’t until I was completely vulnerable and miiiiiiles away from my comfort zone that I would really actually be forced to rely on Him.
And let me tell you, I am so glad that I am here and am made so aware of my brokenness. There is such BEAUTY in that brokenness!! In the places where I am cracked, where there is stuff missing, where I don’t quite add up, where I may be afraid — in ANY aspect of my life where I may not be enough, my God says don’t even worry about it.
My Father looks at me and says,
Hey child, you are enough because I created you. Any flaw, any insecurity, any weakness, I cover those. It is finished. It is done.
There is VICTORY in that!!!!
This means that I can walk in FULLNESS, in JOY, in CONFIDENCE, because I have a Father who says, you in all your weakness, I have called you. I want to use YOU. You may think you aren’t worthy, but I make you whole. I love you so much that I made the ultimate sacrifice for you. I gave my only son up for you. Because I created you and I think that you are worth it.
How, then, can I not walk in confidence? This is the greatest news! This takes all the pressure off me. I don’t have to work to be enough because He already tells me I am.
When I walk in insecurity or when I deny what the Father clearly says about me I say to him,
Listen, I know what you did for me, but it doesn’t really matter. Your sacrifice was not enough to cover this sin that consumes me.
But oh how untrue that is. This sin doesn’t define me! I am saved by the freaking blood of Christ!!
And the thing is, it doesn’t stop there. He continues to pull me deeper and deeper into His love each day. The more I sit with my Father, the more He shows me His character and His heart. The more I hear His voice, something I have longed to hear my entire life.
As I look back at my journal before the race, I notice that the first few pages are verses I copied and a few sentences about what I think they mean and how I think they apply to my life. Looking at my notes a week into the race, I have noticed that my thoughts have changed from empty words meant to take up space to a deep and very real conversation between me and my Dad.
Of course, I am still learning. I still am unsure about some of the things I think I hear, but I am still confident in the Lord’s faithfulness to speak. There are plenty of times where I look back and see, wow, that is my Father’s voice. And that is my favorite voice in the world.
