My whole squad was in Pretoria. Learning, processing, listening, growing. We were there to debrief our last month but at the same time, we were there to be poured into by our mentor and our coaches. We were there to spend time with our whole squad one last time before we all parted ways. I look back through my journal and I see all the sessions on identity and community. We learned about how we are the body of Christ and how God sees us matters. It was a time that really challenged me to look at my life and ask the hard questions. Where is my identity found? How do I see myself and how do I see my teammates? How do I believe the Father sees me? Am I satisfied with my relationship with God? Why do I do things the way I do? I had a spiritual war going on in my mind: telling me that when God said I needed to grow He was really telling me my relationship with Him was not good enough or when God said I am set apart He really meant that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Oh, the Devil thinks he’s good. I went home to Jeffrey’s Bay feeling discouraged and beaten down because I believed what the devil was speaking into me.
I remember sitting on a steamy bus with only half my squad heading back to Jeffrey’s Bay. It was 4:03 am and I couldn’t sleep. My mind had 100 thoughts running through it about everything the Lord had taught me during those ten days.
- He promised me life but reminded me that life requires growth first
- John 15:2 Jesus is pruning away everything in me that not bear fruit so that I can bear good and abundant fruit.
- He told me I was set apart and different and that’s good
- I belong on this team and I have a gift because of my upbringing that I get to share with them.
- He showed me He wanted more for me than my past relationship with him held
- I was sitting next to one of my teammates on the bus on the way back and her neckless has the word “more” on it. She was telling me about how she had been content with her relationship with God in the past, but God was telling her He wanted more for her. I realized God was telling me the same thing. That everything He was speaking into me was just the process of showing me that there was still more He wanted to grow me in.
- He revealed my past and the things that were keeping me from intimately knowing Him
- I have been hurt by people in my past leaving me, rejecting me, and telling me I wasn’t good enough. I think I projected those things onto myself, my squamates, and even God. He is showing me how He truly sees me and from that only truth floods my thoughts.
I arrived back in Jeffrey’s Bay still processing and wrestling with God about what all these things meant. Month 2 started with God revealing something specific He wanted to grow me in: prayer. We began a daily devotional of reading this book called The Art of Listening Prayer. I struggled with the book a lot because it challenges you to have a conversation with God and to be expectant to hear his voice. I believed that God answered my prayers and heard me but I had never experienced Him immediately answer my prayers. I had learned to wait and expect to hear him through circumstances or through my fellow brothers and sisters. I became increasingly frustrated with the book and that I had to learn a new way to pray. I tried to hear Him but I didn’t and each day I became more and more discouraged. One of my teammates then gave me a verse hoping to encourage me. It was Jeremiah 29:12-13, “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” I felt God telling me that I wasn’t truly seeking Him with everything so I decided to wake up early one morning and just sit with Jesus. I spent time in worship because I know that’s how I connect with Him. Then I just sat and talked with Him. I told him what was on my heart. I asked Him questions and engaged in listening for an answer. Sometimes I did feel Him answer or give me a word, and other times I didn’t. Either way, it was encouraging for me to see that I wasn’t alone in this process of growing and God was revealing himself to me in new ways.
It’s been a couple of weeks since we’ve been back from Pretoria and Debrief. It has been a process of seeking the Lord and learning more about myself. I have had to choose God every day and remind myself of who I am in Christ. I’m growing a desire to spend every moment I can with Jesus. When I wake up He is the first one I talk to even if it is just a simple “Hey Jesus”. I am now learning to pray and listen. I am always asking Him questions and expectant to hear His answer. I love to worship Him. I have got into the habit of worshipping every night before I go to bed, so I can thank my Father for the day. I am journalling more than every before and just sitting and processing all the Lord is doing in my life.
It is now month 3 in South Africa and lots of my friends and family at home have asked me “What’s the biggest change I’ve seen in my own life?” Or “What am I learning?” Honestly, I am very much still in the process… but my prayer has been that I fall madly in love with Jesus and I think He is showing me glimpses of what that looks like even if it is hard sometimes. I am starting to believe the things the Lord says about me through the Bible. It those 13 inches from my head to my heart that gets me, but the Lord is good and keeps pursuing me in opening my heart to believe the truth and not just know it.
Another question I get a lot is, “How can I pray for you?” Pray that I can see the growth of what the Lord is doing in my life more every day. Pray that I become more and more confident with who I am as the Lord continues to reveal that to me. Pray that I will always follow where the Lord leads, and I will constantly have a Yes spirit for what the Lord is doing. Pray for freedom not only in my own life but the life of the people I am working with (the South Africans).
