When I think about the past month since I wrote my last blog I get so many images of places I’ve been, people I’ve met, and sounds I heard, but it’s hard to write all on paper. I wish I could just paint a picture of what my life has been, but I can’t paint to save my life, so I’m left with words. Words that always seem to fail the experience, words that seem to fail my feelings, words that fail even my thoughts. How could I ever explain the last month of my life? It’s been a journey of confusion and pain but of joy and leaning into the Lord at the same time. I want to share my experiences because I believe that God has a story to share and that is why in the midst of my frustration with writing I am pressing on to share not my own story but His. Hopefully, some of what I’m learning is what the Lord has been speaking to you about or it’s what you’ve needed to hear for a while and the Lord speaks to you through this blog. My hope is as I share a part of my race it will become part of yours.
My squad and I left on an eighteen-hour bus ride for Pretoria, which is the last place I wanted to be. Our squad was on our way to our first debrief. We had completed month one on the race and now we had a week in another city to process. It wasn’t the processing I was dreading or the city but leaving my home even for a week was not what I wanted. I had just gotten accustomed to my everyday life routine. I had just gotten into the groove and was so filled and excited about where I was spiritual. I didn’t want to mess that up. I wanted to stay for it feels like the first time in my life where my feet were. Once we arrived in Pretoria, we met up with another Squad (for a pre-debrief, called the Awakening) who was stationed in Swaziland. One of my good friends is on that squad so I was excited to meet up with her and exchange our experiences. I was absolutely amazed at how different our stories were. They were living in the middle of nowhere, with no civilization except a gas station and they were working with kids every day who were filthy and just needed love. On the other hand, I was living in a beautiful surf town ten minutes away from a mall and my ministry was washing windows and picking up rocks. What they were doing in Swaziland was the life I had imagined for myself when I signed up for the World Race but that was not the life God had planned for me. At first, I was jealous, but that feeling quickly passed as I saw the beauty in what God had done. I was meant to be on my squad and she was supposed to be on hers, and we both had seen God so much and learned exactly what we needed for this season.
During the Awakening, we were staying at a campsite in Pretoria with sheep, goats, dogs, and cows randomly walking around as we had sessions about evangelism, intercession, hospitality, storytelling, and worship. One of my favorite parts of the week was learning about intercession. The leaders activated us in praying for our countries and then praying for each other. We did an exercise that required us to pray for someone but we didn’t know who, because our eyes were closed as they laid their hand on our shoulder to receive what the Lord was saying through us. It was my turn to receive so I went up to a girl from the other squad whose eyes were closed and put my hand on her. She began to tell me about a vision she had of a beautiful garden with the greenest grass and vibrant colored flowers. She said she saw life following me wherever I went and that God was calling me to be open to a life of abundance. I was shocked as just a week earlier someone from my squad said they heard the word abundance being spoken over me. I had kind of brushed the idea off my shoulder because I had no idea what to make of it, but apparently God wanted me to be open to it, whether I understood what it meant or not. After the session, I went over to the pages in the back of the room where people had written what they felt the Lord had written on their hearts for the different countries. On both of my next countries’ papers (Ecuador and Cambodia), the word abundance was written. I’m not sure what this season of abundance will look like but I trust in the Lord and His promise for me: that there is life waiting for me.
Our next part of debriefing was in the center of Pretoria. We stayed at a hostel with a green pool and about seven dogs running around. We were only 20 minutes away from every restaurant and shop you would need. During this time the Lord began to speak a new word over me. He whispered to me during worship one night that I am set apart and different. Abundance seemed a lot more appealing to me than being different. I began to think about how the two could go together because for me being different was something I did not want. When I lived in China for the first 13 and a half years of my life, I was different because I wasn’t Chinese and that was pretty obvious. When I moved to America, I was different because I wasn’t really American anymore. I had created a new culture within myself. Then I moved to Thailand and I was different because I was a foreigner. All my life I’ve never really fit in. Even on the World Race, I am different because of my past. Realizing that was hard for me. I wanted to be mad at God for giving me the past he did but God is so good and He reminded me that my past is my past for a reason. He purposely gave me my three homes so I could be used to bring a new and unique perspective to my squad. He slowly showed me that being different is good and that He wants to use it. I saw as I reflected on my past month in South Africa that I was trying so hard to fit in with my American Squad-mates and I wasn’t allowing myself to press into who I am. I wasn’t being open to the life God was trying to give me.
I learned a lot about myself during those five days. It was really hard and painful as God revealed parts of my past that I had intentionally tried to forget. He tore the band-aids off and revealed wounds that never healed fully and He showed me how those wounds were still hurting me today. To be completely honest, I’m not sure who I am, but I am trying to lean into who God says I am instead of my peers or the people around me. God says I am chosen, I am called beloved, I am adopted, I am seen and known, I am set apart for his will, I am free indeed, I am a temple for his Holy Spirit and he lives inside of me so I know I have the authority of Christ. It’s been an emotional journey but God is growing me and showing me there is life when I choose it and He is going to use my past and my differences for his good.
Read more in my next blog about going back to Jeffrey’s Bay with only half my squad, learning more about God and myself after Debrief, my new ministry, and what God is teaching me/ how I am taking steps toward healing.
