We did it! We’re in Cambodia, and we officially only have three months left of the World Race. That’s crazy to me how this journey has gone by so fast! Now that we are nearing the end of our time on the field I have been thinking a lot about how I have changed. It’s hard to really explain all the ways I’ve changed because the ways I’ve changed have not been super dramatic or life-changing in the way you would think, but they are the small lessons and habits that I have formed that make me different than the person I was seven months ago. I’m not so different that when you see me again you won’t recognize me. That’s what I thought would happen. I had people say things to me like, “when I see you in nine months I won’t even know who you are” or “God is going to completely change you and I can’t wait to see what happens.” I have definitely changed both in big and small ways, but there was never a moment where it hit me and all of a sudden my whole life changed overnight. I told myself I didn’t have any expectations going into the Race, but that was a lie. Underneath it all, I did have expectations, big ones. I expected a hard and challenging physical experience where I wouldn’t shower for months, or I wouldn’t have a bed to sleep in (well, now I actually have that ironically, but as you know it was hard to be comfortable the first six months). I expected to make amazing friends in the first couple of months and know everything about them. I expected to experience miracles and see God in ways I never have before. I expected to be a different person, and in a way I am, but not in the way I expected.
In this blog, I want to share the seemingly small and the big and defining ways that I am no longer who I was at the start of this journey.
Let’s start small….
- I like sandwiches now! If you ask my mom I never liked sandwiches before. I would much rather eat ramen or make a panini then eat a plain sandwich.
- I don’t mind getting dirty. Today I even put my socks on my feet before wiping them off with a wipe, where at training camp I wouldn’t even get in my tent without first wiping off my feet and wearing a new pair of socks to bed. I also love walking around barefoot!
- I am now a morning person, even on weekends I can’t sleep in past 9:00 am where in the past I could sleep until 2 in the afternoon every Saturday or every day if I didn’t have school. I was a night person through and through. I could stay up to 1 or 2 in the morning and feel fine, and I never went to bed before 9:00 pm ever. I know when I need to go to bed and I love to wake up early and get in my devotion before the craziness of the day begins.
- I like chocolate and honestly spent too much money on Cadbury chocolate. Back home, I would have never ever chosen to chocolate as a snack.
- I also willingly ate coconut… maybe it’s Ecuadorian coconut but it was actually good! Again, my mom knows I’d never chosen coconut other than those macaroons she makes.
- I think I’m more adventurous, and I am over my fear of heights. I mean I went budgie jumping, and hiking a volcano crater!
- I am more extroverted. Honestly, I am still introverted, but the community hasn’t been hard for me in the aspect of constantly being around people. I only struggled with this one night out of all seven months. I actually enjoyed hanging out with people once everyone went to bed. I think I have just found a healthy balance of spending alone time/ time with the Lord and spending time with the people around me. At home, I was constantly isolating myself with the excuse that I needed my alone time.
- I have learned to budget….kind of…. Not really, but I have never had to use my own money, and that was scary for me. I have been much more mindful of the amount of money I spend and prioritize what I spend my money one, which I never even thought about before coming on the Race.
- I am no longer afraid to ask for something I want to do or to join activities. This is something my squadmates have encouraged me in a lot, and I am still growing in, but month one I would never ask if I could join someone if they were, for example, going to the mall and I wanted to go because I thought it was rude. Then I would get upset and feel lonely, but they helped me understand if I never asked then they would never know I wanted to go in the first place, so I have grown in that.
- I am better at communicating. On the Race, the first six months you have time set aside to give your team feedback every week. It is time to give your teammates encouraging or constructive feedback. This has helped me to not be afraid to call one of my brothers or sisters higher and point them back to the truth or even just reveal to them the ways they are or have hurt me because nothing can change if they don’t know something is wrong. This is something I want to bring into any future relationships with my family, friends, co-workers, etc.
- I now wake up in prayer. Sometimes I don’t even open my eyes before I say “Hey God!” At home, I would first check my phone.
- I also love to read my Bible, which I never liked it before the Race I simply read it because I knew I should. I have learned how to be in constant communication with the Lord, whether through his word, listening to His Spirit, or those around me pouring into me I have been better at distinguishing His voice and what He is trying to grow me in. I’m definitely not perfect at it, but much better.
- I enjoy serving other people. At home, I would serve others and I strived to be humble and serve others well, but I never enjoyed it. I did it because I knew that that is something that the Lord calls us too. After serving others, (for example ministry hosts, squad-mates, people in the communities, etc.) I have learned to actually find joy in serving others. It has become a habit and I don’t dread it. Sometimes, I don’t always want to do it, but every time I give my time to serve someone else I am filled.
- I am more confident in evangelism and approaching strangers. This one sounds weird, but I have seen how much more I interact with the people around me, whether that is simply saying hello or whether it is initiating a conversation with them, I was very hesitant to do that before the Race. Now I want to have conversations with the person sitting next to me on the bus, or I want to play with those kids on the street, or I want to give the homeless person food and an encouraging word. It’s honestly one of my favorite things about myself right now, and I give credit to the Holy Spirit for answering my prayers for confidence and boldness specifically when it comes to evangelism. I am not perfect at this in any means, but I am so much more confident and “friendly” then I was before. I have a gift I need to share and joy and hope and I can share that by simply engaging with the people surrounding me in my everyday life.
- Worship (musically) isn’t the only way I connect to God. I have found I feel his presence so much more when I just sit and listen for His Spirit. I am still learning, but before the Race, the only way I knew how to connect with Him was through worship, but mostly when I was the one leading it. Now I am content to be worshipping with my brothers and sisters. I don’t need to be on a stage or leading the songs to worship Him.
- Last of these seemingly “small” things is I see myself as beautiful and I don’t really care as much what others think especially of my physical appearance. I started to notice a change in how I saw myself physically when one day after manual labor, (when I was filthy with dirt, my hair was a mess, I wasn’t wearing any makeup) I looked at myself and I thought I looked pretty. I don’t think anyone else at that moment would have looked at me and thought “wow, she looks good right now”, but that’s the thing about when you start to see yourself the way God sees you it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside or what anyone else thinks. I haven’t looked at myself in a mirror for three days now, and I could care less about how I look. I probably still look dirty, messed up hair, and I am definitely not wearing any makeup in this heat!
Now to the big ways I have seen myself change:
- Something I really struggled with in South Africa was that the Lord was telling me that I am set apart. I was having a hard time connecting with my squad-mates and I was wishing that I grew up the same way as them so we could have something to talk about. I brought it to the Lord and as He does He comforted me and reassured me that this was a gift and not a curse. He chose me and specifically allowed me to grow up the way I did. I a special and treasured and He has a reason, a purpose, and a plan for my past. I am okay knowing I am set apart now and actually love the idea that the Lord has set me apart. I don’t know why or how He is going to use me, but He told me that I am set apart and I trust Him.
- Another huge take away from South Africa was knowing who I am in Christ. At the end of my three months in Jeffrey’s Bay, I reflected on all the things the Lord had taught me, and I realized that He had slowly been revealing the way that He sees me. He showed me I was his daughter, an heir to his kingdom, I have a seat at the table, and am completely known and loved by Him. He chose me even before my parents had an idea about me, and He is jealous for me. Everything I had built my identity on was overtaken by the words of Jesus who showed me over and over again who He says I am. Once I understood that I experience freedom like never before and I was thriving knowing that I am His and that will never ever change.
- I know my purpose now and strive to live it out each day. This is something I actually learned in the last weeks of Ecuador through reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. There are many many great points in that book, but one that never left me is my purpose is to please God, to make Him smile. I love that imagery. My choices and actions today on this earth can please my Father and make my Creator smile. I have noticed how I constantly am asking myself “Would that my Him Smile?” or “I know He is up there just smiling down on me right now!” It has become a constant in my thought throughout my days.
- I struggled a lot in Ecuador being content in the little things. I wanted the Race to look like how I wanted it to look like, I wanted my friends and my ministry to go my way, and I forgot to look around me and see the many many blessings I had already been given. I was so focused on the big that I couldn’t see the small until I had a perspective change, and my life became so much more peaceful and abundant when I stopped and was thankful for what I had.
- This next one is a biggie…..I have learned to glorify God in everything. This is something I knew before the Race, but I never really knew how to live it out. Since being on the field I have used what I know about my purpose and applied that to everything I do. I can worship while brushing my teeth or memorize scripture while picking up rocks….. It also makes the little things so much more worth it when you know you are doing them directly for God.
- In the Bible, we are instructed to use our gifts. I have been trying to understand more of my giftings this year. In South Africa, I was told I have the gift of healing, so every chance I get I try to pray for someone. I love taking photos of people around me and making people feel beautiful or using my voice to glorify the Lord. I don’t want to take for granted the gifts the Lord has given to me.
- Ecuador taught me how to choose others and the life I want. If I want to live in freedom, then I have to choose it, etc… I want to make the most out these nine months and so I’ve had to make choices that benefit my relationship with the Lord, like reading my Bible. I have seen how choose others around me a lot more too. Like playing with kids during recess or engaging in conversation, or helping them by joining them in their tasks or simply serving them in small ways like washing their dishes or picking up trash.
- I talked a little about this one in my last blog, but I am not a victim anymore. On the World Race, we are taught that there are two mindsets: freedom and victim. For a long time, I believed I was a victim( not physically, I did this to myself). I used to put a lot of who I was into what I thought the people around me thought of me. I struggled deeply with loneliness and I wanted to be chosen. At the same time, I would degrade the Father’s love for me and exalt the love I received from people. This is something I have been convicted about many times, but I finally let it go. I am living in freedom from believing that I am fully loved by Jesus and that is enough.
I still have a little less than three months left, and I know I still have much to learn and I will probably change even more by the time I am done, but I wanted to share the things that I have seen in myself thus far. If you have any comments or questions I would love to read them and respond. I love hearing from you guys and I want to express how extremely thankful I am for all your prayer and support this year. May God bless you guys for all you have done in getting me to where I am now!
