“Count it ALL joy, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it’s full effect, that you may be perfect and complete.” James 1:2-4
I left South Africa confident that my identity was in Christ. I genuinely feel that is the reason the Lord brought me to Jay bay was that He wanted to show me that He is the only one who could ever satisfy me. I was falling in love with Jesus to a point where my life was beginning to change. The things that I had grown up hearing my whole life moved from my head to my heart. I began to believe that I was fully known and loved, that I was an heir and always had a seat at the table, that God wanted all of me and He would never leave me… things like that. He began to shift the way I saw myself and I began to believe and understand how loved and cherished I was in His eyes. I left South Africa in the most physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy place I had ever been in my entire life. I was confident in my identity and thought nothing was going to shake me. My prayer for the last couple of weeks of South Africa was that I wouldn’t lose all I had gained.
Then I moved to Ecuador, and I was expecting big things like huge miracles and unmistakable growth. I was okay with doing the mundane things in South Africa because I thought Ecuador would bring the romanticized parts I had heard of before actually coming on the Race. I thought Ecuador was the “more”, was the “abundance” that the Lord had promised me. As I mentioned in one of my latest blogs, I had to embrace the reality that this Race is actually just life. I had to accept that maybe God was simply calling me to follow him, even if it was simply teaching high-schoolers English, even when it was something I wouldn’t choose to do and didn’t want to do. In the first month of being here, the Lord was constantly giving me opportunities to trust Him and to surrender to Him. Some things were easier than others, but one of the hardest ones to let go of completely was the idea that following him meant doing something big. I went to the high school we did ministry every day and tried to make the most of it, but some days I would ask God “why?”. Why couldn’t I see the growth or the fruit of my work? Some days I felt like I wasn’t doing anything, like grading papers or walking around a classroom really wasn’t enough. Month 4 ended and I was lacking the motivation to continue with a good attitude and excitement to live for God as I did in South Africa. Thankfully, we had Midpoint Debrief. We went to this beautiful city called Banos and got to reflect on not only the last month but our entire experience of life on the field thus far.
We were at Debrief for a total of 5 days and during that time the Lord began to test where I truly put my identity. I found myself really desiring a deep earthly friend and feeling like all my squamates were failing at loving me well. Let me preface by saying that they were doing nothing wrong, but my own flesh was wanting to put my identity in their love instead of the Fathers. I really was struggling to continue and be content in who the Father had told me I am back in JayBay. Before the Race, I was told countless times that these people would be my forever, I would make lasting friendships and meet my best friends. I had to surrender that expectation and give to the Lord. I remember one night about halfway through the week, I sat with the Lord and cried out to Him. I told him I was hurting and struggling, and gently He reminded me of the things He has taught me before that He is jealous God and wants all of me and that His love is the only perfect love and it was unfair to put that on my squad.
After the week ended, we went back to the same ministry and I began to pray for change. I didn’t want Ecuador to slip away with me wondering, “what was the point?” I wanted to make the most out of every second. After I prayed that prayer, the high school where we were working underwent an unexpected and unwanted change. While the school tried to deal with the new situation my team was left feeling uncomfortable and awkward in the middle of it all. First, our ministry host switched our schedule, so instead of working with high schoolers, I was now helping first graders. A lot of my team was upset by the change and felt it was unfair. We had honestly just gotten used to our schedules and we were trying our best to build relationships with our teachers and students. Some of my teammates loved where they had been the last two months, others of us were thankful for the change. I loved working with the little first graders. When we first started this ministry, we had the option to choose whether we wanted to work with high schoolers or elementary and I chose high school because I wanted to be challenged. In the end, it resulted in me feeling incapable of helping them best considering I just graduated high school myself. I wanted to help and be useful but sometimes I had to be honest and tell the students I didn’t know the answer or how to help them best understand the content. I was constantly discouraged as I felt I wasn’t being helpful and on top of that my teacher would act as if he needed me and cherished my help some days, while other days he would completely ignore me. When I began working with the first graders I felt like I was doing something. I know I can help first graders count and color, even though sometimes I would ask the teacher if she needed help and she said no I would walk around and try to help where I could. I was happy with where I was but for most of my team going to ministry was the last thing they wanted to do. Our leadership was aware of the situation and we’re trying to help us best. It was a long week with lots of tears and frustration from both the school and my team. There were days when half my team wouldn’t even come to ministry because it was too hard and it became an unhealthy environment for them to be in. We were told that we might switch ministries because our visions weren’t matching up with the school’s anymore, and it was really hard to see the fruit of the ministry. Our leadership tried their hardest to make sure that we weren’t skipping ministry just because of personal preference. We went all week wondering what would happen and just when I had accepted that we were staying at the school, we were told that we were going to be starting a new ministry on Monday. I had wanted a ministry change for so long and right when I began to enjoy going to ministry and felt helpful we were leaving. The Lord answered my prayer alright, but after so much of an emotional rollercoaster, I was trying my best to stay positive and hopeful but failing.
Our new ministry was back where we were at Christmas and New Year. A ministry called Dunamis located in the mountains. I remember sitting on that hour and a half public bus ride, praying that this ministry would be all I hoped and that I could see some fruit. In the mornings we did manual labor, which included clearing out the land to plant vegetables so that the property could, in the future, become self-sufficient. We also sanded containers, that will become the new living quarters for future volunteers and Racers. After lunch, we went back into the community and helped teach drama and English classes. It was exhausting. We left at eight-thirty every morning and didn’t get home until six. Our bodies were sore and tired, but I was thriving. Not because what we were doing was anything big or amazing, but because I had decided to choose and live each day for Jesus, and that was so rewarding.
At the beginning of our time at Dunamis, I began reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Reading changed my perspective on life. It reminded me of things I already knew but I began actually living them out. For example, my purpose is to glorify the Lord in everything I do whether that is shoveling dirt, brushing my teeth, or holding a little girl’s hand. I was made to make God smile. I was made to use the gifts He has given me, like my physical health, my love of photography, my voice, etc… I was falling in love all over again with the God who made me because for the first time every second of my day was about Him. I was in the word for hours on end and I loved sitting in His presence. The book also helped me see another side of life I had never thought of before. Life is a test and a trust. When I look back at Ecuador it was a challenging three months to say the least, and I grew a lot. When Rick Warren portrayed life as a test, I began to reflect on all I had learned these last couple of months. I realized that the Lord had taught me and shown me my true identity in Him and then once I got to Ecuador he tested me. Had I actually put my identity in Him, even when things get hard? Would I lean on Him and trust Him when things were out of my control? When I felt lonely or forgotten would I stay steadfast in knowing that Jesus loves me more than anyone ever could? I failed a lot, but I also got stronger. I learned to be faithful in the little. I learned to let go of control. I learned (again) that His love is more than enough.
The last month of Ecuador was amazing. I have never had a more intimate relationship with God. Someone asked me what country I like more South Africa or Ecuador. My first thought was South Africa, but in reality, both South Africa and Ecuador shaped who I am, so both are my favorite.
The last week in Ecuador was Parent Vision Trip. All of the squad parents flew to Ecuador and spent a week together doing ministry and catching up (all except six of us). Unfortunately, it was too expensive for my parents to fly from Thailand to Ecuador, so I spent the week tenting at Dunamis again. I had an amazing last week with my host at Dunamis, the kids in the community I had built relationships with, and my squamates. I had to say some hard goodbyes at the end of the week, and transition to being back with the entire squad. When we all reunited and the parents were gone I found myself struggling again with loneliness. I felt as though no one had missed me and that they could care less that I was back. I knew the devil was whispering lies to me, and so I prayed but I still felt really alone. That night we worshipped together as a squad. I don’t remember any of the songs that we sang, but I remember kneeling down and sobbing. I physically felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and was so comforted. That night we prayed for Cambodia and as we head in the last three months I told God that I am leaving my loneliness and victim mindset in Ecuador. I am leaving it behind and never coming back for it.
Granted it’s only been five days since I pledged that but I am so in love with Jesus right now and because of that, I can more easily love the people around me. So, thank you Ecuador. Thank you for the hard moments where you forced me to choose Jesus and the people around me. Thank you for teaching me what it means to truly trust in my Father and surrender my control. Thank you for showing me how to live for Christ in the little things and that I can make Him smile in my everyday life. Thank you for letting me leave my burden of loneliness with you. Thank you for preparing me for the future and sending me off to Cambodia with so much love. I love you and am immensely grateful for all you taught me.
