*Disclaimer: this blog seems long and scattered but it all makes sense at the end (I promise).*
Ever since I was a little girl, I have constantly had people talk about my hair. I grew up hearing things like “wow is that natural?” “You have such beautiful hair, make sure to take care of those curls!” Or “You’re lucky, I wish I had hair like that.” Comment after comment, day after day. Even strangers would stop me and tell me my hair was beautiful. Since these were things I grew up hearing, I took a lot of pride in my hair as I got older. Everyone knew me as “that girl with curly hair,” but I was totally okay with this. My hair literally became part of my identity. My outward appearance became something that was really important to me – which at the time I never would have admitted to. So basically, I only felt pretty if my hair looked good. I mean, its what everyone loved about me, so as long as that looks good then I look good and everything is okay.
Since being on the race, identity has come up a lot. I found myself looking back on who I was in high school verses who I am here. Something I realized was that in high school, I was who I was because I felt like I had to be that person. I had to be a good person, I had to go to church, I had to be the friend that was always reliable, and as silly as it may sound now, I had to be the girl with long curly hair. There were all these things that I felt were expected of me so, naturally, I had to live up to the expectations. As I mentioned earlier, identity is something that has been pressed on my heart since being on the race. The lord has been teaching me a lot about the difference between who I thought I had to be verses who I actually I am and can be.
Last week, I found out that a had lice. I had one of my teammates straighten my hair in hopes that the heat will kill all the lice. As I walked around that day with straight hair, I heard things like “what is this, you don’t look like yourself!” Or “You’re not Ashlynn without your curly hair.” It was later that day when I realized how much of my identity I did put into my hair. At the time I wasn’t sure how to feel about this or what to do, I just knew that that moment was the end of me finding my identity in how I looked. The next day I spent fasting and asking the Lord what it was that I needed to do. I kind of assumed He would just tell me to fast and continue to read scriptures about who I am in him and things like that. Well, after sitting in a coffee shop for a couple hours, the Lord gave me the solution to my problem: get rid of the problem as a whole and shave my head. At first I was terrified because the only thing I could think about is the disapproval from people back home. I was scared that people would judge me or think I was crazy. In the midst of all these thoughts and fears, I had a few verses come up. The first: Galatians 1:10 For am I know trying to seek the approval of man or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Something that shouldn’t matter to me is what people think. I am not seeking the approval of man. Just like Paul said, if I were trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ, nor would I be sitting on a rooftop in Malaysia writing this blog.
The second verse was Luke 9:23 where Jesus says: “if anyone would come after me let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”
So, on Sunday, December 2nd, 2018, I threw away the fear of disapproval. I laid down the pride that came with my hair. I ridded myself of the things that don’t matter to me anymore. I shaved my head and I was able to do it with freedom and the ability to not care what anyone thought or will think.
At our month-one debrief, my squad mentor talked about what it meant to live a life that is a testament of His goodness. This was something that stuck with me and I sought to find what that meant for my life. When the Lord told me that I needed to shave my head, I thought it sounded crazy. However, through this whole “crazy” situation, I have learned what it means to live a life that is a testament of His goodness. He called me to do something crazy, but He was able to bring so much goodness out of it, and now I can testify His goodness.
A couple days ago one of out team leaders asked us to write down an “I am” statement that we can now believe about ourselves that we didn’t believe before the race. My statement was “I am free.” We went down to the art tunnel (a super cool tunnel with things painted all over the walls; one of my favorite things here) and we spray painted our words onto the wall. As I sprayed the letters F-R-E-E on the wall, the Lord showed me what all that word meant:
I am free of peoples expectations.
I am free to do crazy things He calls me to do.
I am free from pride.
I am free to find my identity in Him.
I am free to find my beauty and worth in Him.
I am free to be the person I want to be and not the person I have to be.
As I leave Malaysia, I am also leaving behind all of the lies I believed about freedom, as well as my hair, and I am confident that Jesus has already gotten rid of them (except my hair, that’s still sitting in the trash can).
Thank you, Jesus, for allowing me to walk in freedom.
-Ash
