‘This literally feels like my life.’
I thought this while walking down a reddish brown hard-packed dirt road. There is stunning scenery at our ministry Sending Hope International in Thailand. The mountains rolled all around where we stayed; I often woke up in the mornings and never ceased to be awed. My soul craved to soak in the beauty and to seek conversation with God on walks. Nature and Jesus equaled refreshment and peace for me.
I’d taken a few walks by the point two of my teammates came back from a run raving about a spot they found. They told me the directions and the next morning I set off to find it. I felt confident that I knew where it was after hearing their clear, descriptive instructions.
I walked and walked until I concluded I didn’t get it right. I ended up on a path with small swamps but it wasn’t the place I was supposed to find. I would discover it another day but I didn’t have many days left to find it.
On the last evening we were at Sending Hope I was again walking. They told me to take a left, left, left, and then first right.
‘Okay, easy. Wait is it this right? We’ll just go down it and see.’
There’s hardly anyone on these roads, all I could hear as I strolled through the path was a bird making squawking noises. Pretty sure I was intruding on its home. I saw ginormous sky scraping dark green trees ahead and thought it had to be what they described as the gorgeous forest line.
I got to the trees, turned slightly to the right. There were people ahead and I squinted into the trees to make out their silhouettes. It was two men. I backtracked up the path I came from because I was alone and I decided I wasn’t wandering in the correct direction anyway.
‘Let’s go the way I thought it was this whole time. It’s surefire.’
I went back to the main path and took a right. This path I was on last week I was too nervous had snakes so I chose to turn around. Time to be brave because apparently there was something beautiful on the other side.
As I ventured down the unpredictable, dangerous looking path, I hunched down to avoid leaves smacking me in the face. I went a few steps and stopped to actually question myself if I actually thought my two friends would run down this specific wild path for the sake of exercise. I determined absolutely not as a few annoying mosquitoes bit me which got me flustered.
‘Ah this isn’t it and this isn’t right. Maybe it’s this way! Nope, dead end.’
The sun was going down and I thought I had wasted my time because I was still not there. I hurried back the way I turned away from. I peeked down the path I saw people earlier and they were now completely gone.
I walked down this new path with complete uncertainty. I concluded a long time ago I had little clue where I was going. I got the directions I was told mixed up or something. I didn’t want to be defeated but I felt like time was ticking because the sun was sinking behind the mountains.
I mean it looks like the forest line they spoke to me about. Eventually, I turned a bend even though it felt like I was going much farther than they made it sound like.
And then there it was right in front of me. There was a pond with trees leaning over the water. There was a quarry far off and a dirt path circling the pond. Honestly, it wasn’t the beauty I had chalked it up to be. It was still pretty though. And I laughed out loud while throwing my arms in the air with a feeling of victory.
As I headed back to our last night with the children at worship, I laughed again. I only have 4 months left being away from home. This brings excitement to see family and friends but also anxiety. At the beginning of this journey in October, I thought I would be given a more clear purpose by God. I wanted Him to because I was tired of being lost. I didn’t want to feel like that again.
On those confusing dirt paths it was like He told me that life still doesn’t work the way I want. I used to have a perfect, set plan for my life which fell a part leaving me on this journey of finding the ability to dream again. It left me in a place of feeling lost but trying to trust He wouldn’t abandon me.
Sometimes we try really hard to get the directions right but we don’t end up where we planned in the timing we declared it would in our heart and mind. We get frustrated, confused, and pushing to find that ONE place that we forget God may have other adventures in the mountaintops or valleys to bring us to beforehand.
It’s not our timing. We may feel like the sun is going down on our lives or that we are running out of time. We think we are running out of time to marry, to have a family, to go back to school, to have that job. Our personal timelines can consume us. It can negatively corrupt our satisfaction and contentment.
It’s a guarantee that your plan will not always come to fruition when following closely to living for God. He has other paths to have you wander down than you have thought up on your own. We may feel like this is a waste of our time because we just want to be “there” but that steals from you engaging fully in what He is doing instead in the present.
My elation and praise was louder when I finally stumbled on the spot I was searching for. If I found it right away, I wouldn’t have seen the other places. I would have been in prayer for less time. Just like my search on the paths, God usually doesn’t have an easy, straight shot anywhere. It’s all about Him and us and whatever needs to happen in His timing is what is best even if we want to protest. I’ve protested plenty. Trust me, it doesn’t change His mind.
Don’t believe where you are is wrong. Keep seeking Him and lean on Him that He will make your paths straight even when it all appears crooked. A wise person once told me life isn’t a paint-by-numbers, it’s a canvas that has brushstrokes everywhere. When you step back, it’s a beautiful, unique picture you never imagined.
