I wrote this May 7, 2016. I used to have another blog I wrote on. It didn’t have many readers but it didn’t matter because it was more of a place of healing, expression, and diving into a passion. I’ve shared this story multiple times while I’ve been gone from home and recently I have shared it a lot. It definitely helps people understand and know a vital piece of my story and how I ended up on the World Race.
A few of you only graduated a couple weeks ago and this still hopefully rings true for you today.
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Congrats!
Congrats on waltzing across that stage after years of some serious hard work and late nights to earn that degree. And if we are being real, accomplishing some impeccable procrastinating and still beating those deadlines by five minutes. I’m laughing cause it’s too true. But it all got you to this moment!
If you are like me a year ago, you may not know how to feel.
Every imaginable emotion is knocking at the door and you don’t have a choice of which one to let in because they’re all kicking it down and causing havoc. It’s okay. Feel it all. It’s okay to feel a wrenching ache in your heart at the thought of your friends that became your second family scattering from each other. It’s okay to want to stay, it’s okay to be ready to go.
It’s okay to peek at the fresh uncertainty and want to backtrack the other direction, it’s okay to be exhilarated at rushing right into the unknown. It’s okay to want to press the pause button and stay this age with these people forever, it’s okay to be eager for the lessons and new people you’ll stumble upon soon. It’s okay because it mattered. This experience, these people, and this place mattered so much to you. And it’s amazing to have all this to feel, to miss, and to hope for.
If you are reading this and are still a college student, soak up these years or coming last year the best you can! Your time will come and you’ll soon also be moving your tassel from one side to the other. Believe and trust you’re still needed right where you are as some of your friends graduate and leave.
For me, after Spring Break, everything became more real and in free fall towards graduation. It was frightening to have the realization that I was graduating and would not be at this college, with these friends, and with this university family.
In three weeks following graduation in May, I would be starting my new journey at Physician Assistant School. Holy heck, right? That was a quick turnaround. New people and new professors. It was an experience I would need to be incredibly mature and have it together quickly for since in two years I’d be doing close to the equivalent to what a doctor does. I still felt (and still do) like a small child and extremely young.
I knew though that I’d have to gear up and give it all I had because among all those feelings I was grateful and honestly shocked to be a part of the 5% accepted. It blew me away and the explanation could only be God’s hand. I was breathless with excitement for this dream I thought God wanted for me to actually come true; a career in medicine was what I’d been officially working towards for 6 years. Soon after some insane schoolwork and rotations I would be healing and loving on people as a PA. I was already choosing pediatrics and daydreaming about medical missions.
Then at the beginning of October came the 1st academic warning from the first Pharmacology exam. Academic warnings were if we received below a 72% on any exam and we could only receive 4 warnings. After this warning, I told myself to stay calm. If I kept devoting all my effort and got some help then I could come back from it. I’d already made it that far. Shakily and barely but God and crazy studying had kept me afloat.
Second academic warning arrived October 20th. That was unexpected.
“God, I cannot do this without You. But if this is not Your best for me, take me out sooner rather than later.” This was the prayer I distinctly remember asking while being a sobbing mess.
Third academic warning and academic probation arrived October 29th.
On November 3rd I was in the dean’s office signing papers because that afternoon I found out I had reached my 4th academic warning. In one month a dream for me died. And as far as I know I am the only one out of the 48 to simply not make it. Those people were awesome by the way.
It was fire and pain but God cared for me the entire time. Since the beginning in June He had been humbling me, molding me, and making sure I knew what I was saying when I said He was everything to me. He also knew who I would need at that time in my life because I was heading to pieces.
My parents, the guy I was dating, and one of my professors graciously let me lean on them. They constantly encouraged and empathized with me in the middle of dreams crashing. And it still brings tears to my eyes thinking of all the love people embraced me with after the final hit on Nov. 3. Those who hugged me, listened, came to see me, wrote letters and messages, gave space when needed, and prayed for me all meant so much.
I have many things to tell about through all this but the point is no matter what happens to you down the road remember that God knows it all. In the good that happens and what seems terrible. When things fall through and you cannot see through the tears and misunderstanding, it may be the best for you even if it makes absolutely no sense.
Looking back, even though it can still be hard, I know losing that dream at that time was the best for me and I thank Him that He knows me more intimately than I know myself. A part of me thinks I was meant to experience it all because of who I am now, how I grew, and what became of it that was good even in what felt so bitter and dark.
A couple weeks after the last day at PA school I scrambled to prepare for nursing school. I most likely instantly grabbed hold of that quickly to keep away from having no idea what to do. A month later I found out loans simply could not happen for a couple years. A closed door I had no control over.
To be honest with you, at times I was frustrated about the difficulties and I was tired of being broken down; some moments I hardly recognized myself. I know what it’s like in a heartbreaking season to have an ache to be lighthearted again, to long to brush against warmth once more and feel it deeply. I was exhausted, lost, more tender and sensitive than usual, and there were a couple moments I thought God had let go of me. He didn’t and He never will for any of us. He was closer than I can ever remember.
He will carry you through what may be ahead, I promise.
People and myself have with kind intentions told others God has big plans for them or better things to come for them in the future. I don’t want to tell you this now though because I think some of us have distorted to take this to mean that there will be progressively more happiness, success for us in the world’s eyes, and that it’s only up from graduation. That’s not really true at all.
All our journeys and stories will be different from each other but I’m learning for us all there will always be seasons of personal death and rebirth, darkness and light, easy and difficult. There will be seasons of crystal clear beauty and fruitfulness, seasons that are slow and feel like clockwork, seasons that are crammed to the gills in busyness, and seasons where it feels barren, heavy, and we start to break. Sometimes days and seasons merge, sometimes they’re distinct.
Sometimes the richest moments with God are when we feel like we are at the end of ourselves. That doesn’t always seem true during it though. I certainly don’t want to go back to that time but I’m remembering now how much I reached even more for Christ out of my desperate need. To be comforted and reassured and to be reminded of hope. There’s no timetable on seasons, we will never know when the one of lightness and ease or one of grief and pain will end or arrive. Maybe it’s a day, week, month, or years.
All I know right now is whether there is a lesson to be learned, growth to be had, or simply mourning and heartache to exist through the heavy moments, He’ll keep us with Him if we choose to be soothed and held near.
It’s going to continue to be an adventure with Him and I’m seriously jazzed for you all. Some of you know exactly where you are going to be and what you will be doing. Some of you aren’t quite sure of either of those. Both are really okay.
Understanding both experiences, I discovered how damaging it was to compare my journey to another. I have friends close to my age married and about to have kids, some are working high-class positions at big corporations making big bucks, one is back in school for their Master’s degree and working at a liquor store to pay the bills, one is working at a doggie day care and planning a wedding, one is single and with a nonprofit, and one is praying to travel long-term for international missions.
The world has plenty to say about who is the most successful right now out of us. We all are told left and right what we are supposed to be doing. We shouldn’t let the expectations of society and expectations we have on ourselves of where we should be dishearten us and make us feel not enough. And it’s still about who you are becoming rather than what you do. I struggle with both honestly but we need to keep reminding ourselves the only life God has called us to live is with Him and for Him.
Nobody is ahead or behind anyone else or less or more in His eyes. He just wants us to grow, love Him, and love others through these personal journeys of ours.
Things are going to change. Take a breath though and grab hold of God in the fear and excitement. A wise older friend once told me to give myself the grace and space to acknowledge I don’t have to have everything figured out today when I was panicking and having moments of googling “WHAT DO I DO?!” If that’s you right now, I hear ya. It can be scary but none of us know what will happen. None.
Lean into the uncertainty and God. He’s definitely got us.
You may make new friends, keep up with your closest college friends, and lose touch with others. You will make mistakes and learn more about yourself along the way. You’ll fall and you’ll rise. You may already be with the man or woman that is or will be your husband or wife or you may soon be with the person that will be that lifelong best friend. The relationship you are currently in now may eventually end and that may be excruciating. You may experience some memorable dates and let-me-just-forget-it dates. You may be single and if so remember that can be passionate and rich and also remember that you still have value because modern culture can sometimes make you feel the opposite.
You’ll have jobs you may want to quickly leave or jobs that will spark a blaze within you. Things may make you come alive you never expected and God will reveal things that stun you in beautiful ways. You will witness His love and you may be wonderfully caught up in His want to impact another’s life. You may visit a different country, maybe you’ll end up living in Cambodia, or maybe living at home. You may sing karaoke every Friday night, attend graduate school, or maybe take an opportunity that appears insane. You may not follow the American Dream step by step or at all or maybe you will. A ton of maybes and possibilities.
These words from Shauna Niequist shook me up one day recently and says it best:
“Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either…
…For a while in my early twenties I felt like I woke up a different person every day, and was constantly confused about which one, if any, was the real me. I feel more and more like myself with each passing year, for better or worse, and you’ll find that too… Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe God is very good and life is a grand adventure.”
God IS very good and life IS a grand adventure, let’s both not doubt it. Let’s both not be satisfied with simply existing. Move towards Him, pray, explore your passions, stay laughing, love on others, give people grace to be messy, cry when you need, be goofy, learn to love yourself, regain energy, dream, and risk. Life doesn’t stop at graduation and there’s no destination except eternity.
