Easter was a different celebration this year than any other year. I was with a group of people I’ve been with for the past 6 months celebrating Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection that changed everything.
Two of my friends asked the day before Easter if I wanted to wake up before the sun rose. In my mind, I squirmed because waking up before the sun just isn’t easy for me. I’m a solid a-smidge-after-sunrise kind of gal. Like 7:30 is ideal.
I actually woke up naturally right on time for the sunrise. I warred with myself about craving more sleep especially in AC but the thought of Jesus got the best of me.
I groggily shuffled upstairs to the roof for the rising sun. My two friends were already there and I plopped in a seat to join them.
We waited. We chatted about our lives with Jesus and caught up with the conditions within our hearts. I explained lately I was being childish with God; it was like a moment in any relationship where there is misunderstanding and hurt.
With surges of various emotions, I basically, in a nutshell, asked him in frustration why He wasn’t showing up. Why wasn’t He redeeming my past more with answers especially since I still don’t understand certain things? Why wasn’t He coming through on His promises to me? Why wasn’t He in the everyday?
Then I started inviting in doubt. “Did He actually… Was He actually…?” Say this, present for this, a part of that dream ending, lead me here. Are you sure?
Minutes passed by and I fidgeted in my light blue plastic rickety lawn chair. “Wait, what time is the sun supposed to show?” My friend said a little after 6AM.
Okay, I can wait longer. It’s only 6AM now.
We kept talking with each other as my eyes were trained on the horizon. I was in full preparation to be awed on Easter morning with the sun’s beauty and splendor. All we could see at that moment was dank gray with overcast, cloudy skies.
The more I waited, the more I longed to have my comfort back. I wanted the AC, comfy bed, and peaceful sleep. That was more tempting than continuing to wait for something that was taking forever to be seen.
That morning the sun never ended up rising. There was a lot of gray haze and rain that made the sun difficult to see but I knew it was there.
It was there because the gradual light touched buildings and people. Even though the sun wasn’t blinding my sight, the influence of the sun’s presence did exist in the rays.
At first I was disappointed but I slowly was relating the sun not rising to my current posture towards God.
I was growing impatient and throwing tantrums because I wasn’t seeing clearly what I thought I should be seeing. I’ve been waiting for direction that still hasn’t arrived. I want Him to show up more because sometimes it doesn’t appear like He is showing up.
I am tired of waiting. I don’t want to guess at where He is at or what He is doing. I am ready for fear and anxiety of the future to disappear. I want Him to bring some sort of certainty and erase the uncomfortable.
A few days ago, I wiggled out of my desire to cold shoulder and ignore God. He is like the sun that didn’t rise. I’m expecting suddenly for a loud voice and bright, shiny lights showing me where to go or pointing to where He is or to what He is doing.
But it doesn’t work like that always. I knew the beauty, splendor, and goodness of the Lord exists because I’ve seen it just like I knew the sun was out of sight behind the clouds.
“It doesn’t matter what I see, it doesn’t matter what I feel, my hope will always be in Your promises to me.”
I have to believe without seeing which is the classic definition of faith. I have to trust God will continue to come through on any promises He has made to me.
God desires me to want Him more than any new dream, direction, marriage, and obvious miracle. Instead of grumbling, I pray to simply love Him and lean on Him knowing His hands mold the path for my feet.
I pray the same prayer for you that you will desire God Himself over any other something in this world – job, spouse, children, fulfillment of dreams, happiness. We may never receive these and we both have to remember that God is above anything we may or may not have received yet. No matter how long we have to wait, He never fails on His actual promises or falters in perfect character.
The sun always rises. We just sometimes won’t see it but still believe it ignites the day with its light.
