I knew I was in for a treat when I arrived at Training Camp in Gainesville, GA and within 10 minutes of setting up my tent my skin was slick with sweat. My instant thought was that I was about to give off a shaky first impression to my teammates and the organization’s staff with my shirt drenched, my hair matted, and my makeup-less face coated with beads of sweat.
These 10 days were about to be raw.
We were given 10 gallon buckets nicely adorned with a measuring cup. Using a hose, we filled those buckets up with icy water to use for our showers. I also will throw in those showers were gold because I reeked throughout training and so did my Chacos. We were physically challenged through the fitness hike of 2.2 miles in 38 minutes that involved some tedious inclines. Our capacity to handle high-stress situations with time constraints was tested continually throughout training including how we interacted with our teammates during the rush and hustle. Sleeping quarters involved our tents outside and one night slumbering on solid earth with no boundary between ourselves and the natural world. The spiders definitely relished in and took advantage of the latter scenario.
Speaking of insects, we also were given food from other cultures around the world as our meals. Half of them were “normal” in the sense I could recognize what it was and could eat with utensils. The other half of meals we had to eat with our hands and in moments did not recognize what we were eating. For future reference, a seasoned cooked cricket tastes like a burnt still-shelled sunflower seed. It was absolutely rough and raw situations.
I could stop there.
That’s the rawness in circumstances. I don’t have to share about one of my ongoing struggles that attempted once again to ground down into my spirit and soul. That would be me hiding and speaking it out undresses it from staying hidden beneath the thoughts in my mind.
I never had a word to glue over the thoughts and feelings that constantly wrecked my mind and heart until about two years ago when I watched a TED talk by Brené Brown. I can easily recall the night of tears but also liberation as the “gremlins” as she puts it were put in the light. Neither did I know a definition of it until then:
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
The wild thing is when looking back on my journal, that night of realization was September 2, 2015. Exactly 2 years ago.
That’s the day I unraveled what it was but it’s been a journey since then of finding resilience to combat it from consuming me. I know relationships where shame eroded my bond with someone else. I can see points in my life where I believed the lies and stepped back from becoming more of the woman God made me to be.
When I met my teammates, I was elated because I finally was allowed this priceless opportunity to get to know each one of them on a deeper level. A kind of level that texts, emails, social media, and group messages can not compare to or reach. They’re amazing, immovable men and women of God and we all together in those 10 days were preparing in various ways for the international mission field.
Eventually, the thoughts started piercing through my resolve and elation of meeting my squad and our upcoming journey:
You don’t belong here.
You have nothing to contribute to your team.
If they really got to know you, they won’t accept or love you. They’ll leave just like so-and-so.
The leadership team didn’t choose you for this or that role, they don’t think you’re good enough.
You weren’t invited to do this or that with those teammates, you’re forgotten and not thought of because of who you are. They don’t want to spend time with you.
You’re too much of this and too little of this to go to these ministries and make a difference with Christ.
They don’t like you because you aren’t like this or that.
There’s an overwhelming amount to tell you about finding resilience against feeling irrevocably unworthy, unloved, and unaccepted. With that in mind, I’ll be continuing to speak towards this subject throughout the year. I’ll start with these two powerful revelations in combating shame full force:
God knows what you need in every moment.
Around the day that the shame really began to have its tight grip, one speaker talked about the topic of shame directly and one speaker the next day spoke over our identities in Christ. Both carried the lines I needed to know and continually be retold. That who we are does not make us unlovable and that the Lord is the one voice that should tell others and ourselves who we are made to be. We were meant to receive love and affirmation from Him, our self-worth does not teeter on the approval and opinions of others.
As well, that we need to cease putting on a show and evaluating what and who people want us to be in order to feel like we receive approval, belonging, and love. God knows what you need in every moment. There was sweetness and hard-hitting truth tied into these moments He was fighting the shame on my behalf. He will fight the shame you experience on your behalf too.
Empathy eradicates shame’s hold on you.
As Brené Brown says in Daring Greatly, “shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy – the real antidote to shame. If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive. Self-compassion is also critically important, but because shame is a social concept – it happens between people – it also heals best between people. A social wound needs a social balm. Self-compassion is key because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we’re more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy.”
There was a night we were asked to stay awake and pray with others from our team. One was missing from our group of three and while we were waiting I was asked “how have things been?”. After coming to know this person the last few days, I knew deeply that she was a safe place. I shared a piece of what I’d been feeling about questioning belonging and some areas I’d been at war.
Without hesitation and brimming with understanding she unexpectedly surprised me by telling me she could relate to how I felt. Shame was drawn out and disarmed with simply a “me too”. Me too, I know how you feel. Me too, you’re not alone in thinking that thought. She doesn’t know this but I literally felt lighter, like a few pounds of the heaviness I’d been experiencing in moments was removed by her willingness to listen as well as share that she understood. The fog felt cut through and I could see more clearly the next day and more equipped to debunk shame and the rude, tiny “gremlins” in my mind. Empathy eradicates shame’s hold on you.
In the midst of revisiting my own personal shame, this picture came to mind of mountains and a sun bursting out from behind them.
I don’t claim to be an artist but I decided to refuse not posting it because it wasn’t perfect. It’s something I sketched out during personal time with the Lord. To me, this is a representation that there is beauty, connection, truth, and goodness behind the shame that continually weighs us down and tries to isolate us. It shouldn’t remain hidden, bring it in the light. And I know that our God will help beauty rise out of who He created us to be. He’ll do so for you if you ask and seek Him. You are worthy.
