Have you ever been somewhere and already missed it before you even left it? Or in a moment and you miss it already before it has even ended?
It’s now only hours before I leave and I’ve come to the realization that a more than likely theme from my life will continue for this year and has already started its reign:
Nothing goes exactly as you planned it to.
Maybe you can relate to that statement.
In my beautiful and perfectly laid out scenario, I would have spent my last couple days here at home relaxing and reflecting before it was time to depart for 11 months of international missions work. Everything would have been tied up nicely. Instead it has been a week of chaos, stress, busyness, confusion, rocky emotions, and an overwhelming feeling of defeat.
I’ll throw in that my brother’s wedding this week was surreal and lovely. It was the highlight. Love you, bro!
Leading up to this last week here at home, I felt immovable and stronger than ever. Somehow now I’m laying here about to sleep before I board a plane tomorrow morning to Atlanta, GA before my team launches to Serbia thinking about how I don’t want to leave. I already miss here and I’m not even gone yet.
This week has succeeded in running me down into a place of feeling like this isn’t actually worth it. There’s so much enticing good happening here I want to stay with and the resistance happening this week that connects directly with this next beginning has chipped at my sound resolve.
You’re going to have such a hard time. Why are you doing this again? You love your friends, parents, family, and home. Stay, stay, stay.
Interactions, words spoken to me, packing snafus, important items not fitting (AKA airporter that shrinks in half apparently), personal health scares, negative thoughts chugging through my head, exhaustion, doubts, goodbyes, unchecked to dos, insomnia… this week has hit me hard and I’m starting to listen to the drum of the mesmerizing chant of ‘Stay, stay, stay.’
Right now I want to give up more than I ever have since I said yes to this journey in January.
In my tears though, there was a forceful thought that elbowed its way to the front. “God is greater and more powerful than every one of these things that has defeated you this week.”
I clutched onto that thought because it brought peace. Mulling over that, it is truth that the Lord still has lead me to right here even if my pack is a headache to load or unexpected unsettling moments have interrupted these last days that were meant to be different than they actually were. At least in my mind. We are good at that as humans… heavy with high expectations at times.
If I looked beyond this week, I know there must be holy purpose and new people to love and pour into around this world that I am forgetting. The little and difficult things shouldn’t deter me from the course that God Himself is propelling me forth on.
I won’t give in to the defeat and exhaustion I am feeling right now. I pray to stay steadfast and internally ready and strong even if it feels like external circumstances are attempting to trick me into thinking this week is a reflection of the 11 months to come.
Instead of ‘Stay, stay, stay’, I know my God is beckoning with a ‘Come and see’ and ‘Go, go, go’.
I will miss you all deeply and almost painfully but I hope to see you before you know 11 months has passed. So many here at home are nestled closely in my heart.
For all those who have supported me, continue to support, or will be donating I want to again say THANK YOU times a million for your kindness and generosity.
