This blog post is in memory of my dog Cooper who died recently after 10 years of being one of my best friends.
“I want to know what the seasons know. There’s a time to reap and a time to sow. A time to hold on and a time to let go.”
I want the ability to adapt to change naturally along with the seasons; I desire to be okay just as autumn is completely natural morphing into winter. I’m not there yet but I’m learning.
There’s been unexpected letting go this last week with my dog dying back home. There’s also been expected letting go as the missions team I’ve been with the past 4 months changed to a completely new one. There’s been grabbing hold as I say yes and shift into a new leadership role.
The seasons are changing and there definitely has been a time to let go and a time to hold on.
When my world changes without my permission, I desire to keep my white-knuckled fingers grasping on. I want to refuse to have my fingers pried off. If I didn’t say yes to it, then my life cannot change is what I wish could be true.
My dog was diagnosed with congestive heart failure before I left but I thought as long as he stayed on the medications the vet prescribed, it would be fine. Leaving for a year, losing him without me there to say goodbye or love on him for his last days was a fear. I can’t explain how many times I prayed he would thrive until I got home. The Lord has answered many wild prayers these last 4 months, but not that one. I was angry.
I’ll pause and say I understand some people aren’t weak in the knees dog lovers so this may not make sense. But Cooper was my constant companion, he was incredibly smart, and I rarely didn’t have him by my side at home.
This news from home that he died on the 28th caused my heart to be transported home. I remembered all that I was missing and everything that was changing whether across the ocean or in Kansas.
Weddings, babies, people moving to a new place.
Losing a dog, serving in the Kingdom with new people, currently traveling to a new country, and accepting a new role with more responsibility.
I haven’t been present these last few days because my heart and mind are sputtering to keep pace.
As I mourn loss, feel swirling emotions, walk into new seasons, say goodbyes, I know the Lord is whispering,
“Release.”
As life transforms, as it takes and gives, I want my hands to be open. I want to be able to say to God that I may not understand and I may be hurting but I am confident that His character is always good even when it feels the opposite. His character is always trustworthy and compassionate; His timeline and the way He designed the world to turn is not in my discretion. I hope you seek also to keep your hands in surrender and open to what’s to come.
“Teach me to trust when I don’t see. To love always as you have loved me. To lay down my life to be set free. To guard my heart in Your peace.”
