The ocean is similar to a spell to me; whenever you listen and sit before it the world slows down for a moment and a calm flutters into your soul. I am sure that God intended that when He created the salty waters for it to harbor peace and amazement in its vast, deep blue grandeur. It’s one of the frontiers left to pioneer in the world I’ve heard other than the human mind. When I stand on the shore looking out at waves cresting into foam, I feel that mystery and unknown that the sea carries with it. There’s incredible power charged in its currents and millions of life forms in its depths.
This sea is a 5 minute walk from where my team lives in Panama. There was an unexpected turn of events a week ago when we were informed on the day we were set to fly to Nicaragua that our entrance into the country was denied by the government due to the current unrest happening there. We got redirected to Panama for this month at the literal last minute. With this change of plans, we are realizing there is certainly goodness in us being here with ICJesus Ministry as we mainly share, teach, and play within an indigenous tribe in San Felix.
Before arriving to this new destination, I already was aware of the ugliness in my heart. Shoot, I’ve been aware of this my whole life. I know that my temper flares when it seems like people are being inconsiderate to others or me. I understand that my pride can arise when something good happens that I was a part of. I know sometimes when others are talking to me in deep conversation at night a thought crosses my mind that I would rather go to sleep. I’m in full realization that I’ve compared myself to others and concluded I am better or the best. I have the knowledge that I can be short with people when I have to repeat myself or can be irritated when someone receives a comfort or luxury I don’t get. I am clued in that I can be too critical on others or stumble into gossiping about them.
Anger, pride, selfishness, lack of compassion, gossip, comparison, and a short temper. There’s more that hides in the shelves of my heart that reveal my affiliation with sinful, imperfect humanity. I’m one of the imperfect ones that is talked about that has fallen short of the glory of God in Romans.
The beginning of this month made me even more aware of it. I felt on edge every morning waking up on the floor in a house that was nice but lacked an atmosphere of homeliness and comfort since it was under construction. I woke up without peace. This feeling of being on edge bled negatively into my thoughts about my teammates and myself, basically anyone who was around wasn’t exempt from being under the sword.
I sought the ocean in an effort to find solace in the arms of Christ. Facing your own humanity is increased in true, authentic community. It’s like mirrors surrounding you, you cannot tuck yourself away out of its reflection.
The ocean is a place of solitude and peace. I watch wildlife bury itself in the sand to hide or scurry across the shore. As I soak in the sea salt, I find shells of every shape, brilliant color, and design. There are small feelings of joy in finding these on the shore. When I picked up an unveiled perfectly intact sand dollar, I truly felt a simple happiness and childlike giddiness. The ocean reminded me that like God it reveals beauty and teems with life.
This particular beach has waves that attract surfers and boogie boarders. As these powerful waves roll in, I often stand where the water lightly washes over my feet. I watch as the waves crash in then slowly recede back into the ocean. One morning I was watching as the waves tumbled into shore, I was reflecting on how God takes and how He gives. The one who removes the grime and sand on us is Him; He unearths and molds us into His character. From that morning I’ve asked Him to take the ugliness and replace it with His beauty and holiness.
Like deep breathing in anxiety reducing exercises, I’ve prayed for selfishness, pride, anxiety, and comparison to recede and for humility, peace, and taking myself out of competition to crash in. For bitterness, judgment, moodiness, and irritation to recede and for joy, grace, and gentleness to crash in. For being stuck in a victim mentality to recede and for gratefulness and confidence in the Lord to crash in.
Let the ugliness recede and for the character of Christ to crash and roll into my heart.
This doesn’t mean I outdo imperfection to suddenly become flawless. Instead, I am learning to challenge my impulsive human tendencies for my want of goodness and the character of the Lord to reflect from me. He’s been answering my prayers and I’ve watched the battle increase within me.
There’s ugliness that slinks dormant in us until something or someone provokes it to wake up. This literally is a daily challenge and fight for me and probably for you as well. You can have victory, I can have victory. I don’t have to choose the ugliness. I don’t have to choose to take care of my comfort above everyone else. I don’t have to choose to be sharp with someone when there is a disagreement.
I can choose Christ in the little moments. When we ask Him to, He will continue to work on us which reminded me of one of my favorite passages from C.S. Lewis,
“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building a quite different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”
