There’s never been more swings between being fond or full of belly laughter and then being deeply frustrated and annoyed 24 hours later. At times, it’s like having the same feeling of a wild, Zimbabwean animal (let’s say baboon) cornered in a 2×2 space, confined and there’s no escape. You’re itching to run fast but the walls are closed in on every side. It’s like mirrors surrounding you revealing every piece of you that you wish to keep hidden – that place of your past, what happens when you don’t get enough sleep, how you act if something isn’t going as planned.
In the same place, it’s a feeling you don’t want to abandon knowing that you are deeply cared for. That you are fought for. And you’ve never laughed in such a healthy way or as hard for a long time. It’s deep talks, genuine apologies, ugliness, shared bathroom stories, wonky food experiments but also delicious meals, inside jokes, gasping in amazement at things experienced, cold-shoulder tension, tears, strategically given encouragement, truth telling, worshipping Jesus, jumping into pools fully clothed.
It’s community.
I’ve lived daily life in the international mission field with a team of 5 other women in their twenties for the last four months in four different countries in the two continents Europe and Africa. In this 5, the organization encourages in multiple ways us fostering authentic community within our team.
I thought I was ONLY fond of community and always sought it out in America. Back home, whether looking at college or after-college, I enjoyed choosing to spend time with friends out at our favorite restaurant or chatting on the couch late at night because we were too lazy to leave the house but too stubborn to go to sleep especially because we enjoyed the simple, natural company of each other.
I’ve learned the last four months where the depth in community happens, where the messiness exists is when you cannot make the choice to leave. There also wasn’t a choice in what women I was put on a team with. We don’t get to control being able to give ourselves space between us and another person. It’s shoulder to shoulder in the trenches with our emotions, thoughts, struggles, and conflicts. You must face what comes out in yourself and from other people and sift through that junk and also goodness to truly find where the gold is in Christ-driven community.
Our leadership that helps guide us and give us impeccable wisdom told us that month 4 trends as the month where it becomes difficult. It’s where the glamour truly wears off; if we viewed international missions as glamourous usually it disappears by this point or our teams are challenged in their dynamics and interactions. At this point, you’ve lived, ate every single meal together, experienced new cultures, told each other feedback every night, slept in the same rooms, done ministry together all or at least each day for about 120 days. Woah.
I can tell you it’s one of the most challenging things but also some of the most honest, genuine, unbreakable relationships that I’ve had. I wittle that down to that even though we’ve seen a lot of each other whether beautiful and Christ-like or ugly and insanely human, we still choose to love each other. We may not get many other choices but we do always have that one.
For you, wherever your home is, I encourage you to find a back porch at sunset, good food, and a group of people. I’ve been reminded that community isn’t when you always like each other in all moments. And sometimes when conflict suddenly arises, we decide maybe there’s another community we could join because this one just doesn’t jive anymore. We want a new, fresh, easier community. The reality is that there is only such a thing in the beginning and then you’ll end up in the same uncomfortable place before where you need to be vulnerable, honest, hash things out, and offer heaps of grace.
This doesn’t mean you lack connection. This means you are on the road of finding the most raw and deep connection that is possible. If we don’t feel like running or escaping these people at some point, then I really don’t think we are doing it right.
These words are a tribute to my team that has strived to be united since the day we all came together as five strangers. I would not have grown as much as I have without them pushing me, being truthful towards me, and calling out things in me that I was blind to. Above all and in all, they have walked alongside me for a time in the breathtaking joy and goodness as well as the dark valleys in my relationship with Christ. In a couple of weeks, our missions teams will change.
These teams are still formed out of my squad as a whole and I look forward to building bonds with them soon but I will deeply miss these 5 ladies who kicked off this life-changing mission experience with me. I know they will continue to step out and set fires because they are changemakers completely in the hands of God.
