Everyone has their happy place, the place they can go when they need to escape, a place to just breathe. For most, this is a physical place, for me, it’s reading.
For as long as I can remember, reading has been my escape. The place I run off to when the world gets to be too much and I feel like I can’t breathe. I just pick up a book, disappear in someone else’s story, and I can breathe again. I’m one of those people that always has a book, I get complimented on how much and how quickly I read, it’s something I’ve prided myself on.
As I’ve already admitted, it’s an escape, a way to run away from my problems. Since I’ve been on the field, I’ve read about 15 books in two months. I had a bunch of books on my tablet, so it was easy to pick it up when things became too much. When my tablet stopped working at debrief, I went to a used bookstore and bought books to read in Botswana. The lady whose house we were staying in had a mini library and I was able to read her books as well. In South Africa, I admitted that I was becoming too dependent on reading, but I didn’t stop, I just kept reading.
Recently, my Squad Leader, Leanne, gave me feedback on my reading. She pointed out what I already knew, that I was reading because it was safe, and she challenged me not to read for the rest of this month. I’m going to be honest, that sucks because I’m half way into a book and I can’t finish it. As she was talking, I took a look back on my life and realized that I have used reading to escape my whole life. When I was a kid and my parents were fighting, when my depression was bad, when I fought with my sister, when I was being bullied. I never faced the situations head on; I ignored them and went into my book. I started abusing an activity that is supposed to be used for educational purposes.
On the race, I used books as a way to ignore my team. If I didn’t talk to them, I didn’t have to get close and I didn’t run the risk of being hurt by them. But I was also missing the world around me. I’m in new countries having the most amazing opportunities, and my nose is stuck in a book. I have the chance to build life long relationships with some incredible people, but my nose is stuck in a book. Honestly, when I think about not reading, I start feeling anxious. But I’ve realized, in situations that get to tough, I need to talk to God. God has been stripping me of all my safety nets (my IPod got stolen on a bus) because when times get tough, I’m not falling into him, I’m falling into material objects. I’m not trusting God to be my security net, I’m not trusting that He will pull me and support me through every situation.
God will never let me down; he will always love me and carry me. It’s time I realized that and started putting all of my eggs into God’s basket. Of all things to be addicted to, I chose reading. But I’m thinking it’s time I choose God.
Update a month after my fast:
My fast ended up being an incredible experience. In Madagascar, we lived in cubby holes with two sets of bunk beds. One bunk bed was my teammate Taylor and I and the other were my squad mates Jessica and Ariana. Because I put my books down, I got the opportunity to engage with them and get to know them on a deeper level than I would have. Times when I would normally be reading, I would talk to my cubby mates. God also led me to actually see the world around me and what a great place it is! I no longer escape hard situations or people with books, I am choosing to engage instead of hide.
