I almost didn't write this blog. I almost said no because I'm not fully funded and I thought what would my supporter think if they knew all of these things? But when I started this journey, I promised I would be honest, that I would tell you where I am at so here we go.
This month has been hard. I have doubted God's goodness. I have doubted His plans for my life. I've stopped praying. I've stopped searching. I guess month 9 is here.
I'm frustrated with the race, I'm frustrated with ministry.
My heart hurts– it's tired of seeing hungry kids and people dying. It's tired of this broken world where bad things happen to really good people and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.
I want to meet my new baby cousin and see my parent's new house. I want to be home for my boyfriend's white coat ceremony. I don't want to miss anymore landmarks in people's lives. I don't want to do this anymore.
Sometimes I wish I didn't come on the race at all. I wish that half my hair didn't fall out in month 4 and leave me looking like a chia pet. I wish I had all of my clothes in my closet and could hang out with my friends and watch all of the NCAA tournament.
I keep telling myself "only two more months, you can't quit now you've come too far" and there are days that it's the only thing that keeps me going.
And then reality hits.
I only have two more months with the people that have become family. I am not alone in this.
I am living my dream and it's almost over.
God called me to 11 months not 9.
So I guess the question is do I have what it takes to finish?
No, not at all.
But I'm also learning that none of us have the strength to do this.
Nobody can do this on their own strength.
Nobody can deal with the lice, the dirt, the chia pet hair, the constant community.
We weren't made to have the strength to do this. We were made to depend on Jesus. We were made to be weak so that He could be strong.
It is hard and there is no promise that it will get better. The next 2 months could look just like this month but there is the promise that He will be there. He will be in the midst of all this messiness, He will be strong while I am weak.
He was made for this even when I wasn't.
