When I signed up for the race, I expected my first month on the field to be a honeymoon. I expected to be in love with my squad, where God had me, and the lessons He was teaching me.
But that's the thing about expectations… They're rarely met.
Thailand was hard. The easy vision I had set for Thailand was destroyed within the first few moments of being there. I hated everything about where I was at–the people, the ministry, the place. I even made a deal with myself, I would stay on the race until the end of month 4 and then I could make the decision to go home or not. I wasn't even sure if I'd make it that long.
My expectations of what the race would look like were destroying the ways in which God could work in my life and on my race. I was expecting God to work through me in a certain way and when He was nudging my trip in a different direction, I was refusing to move in any other direction then the one that I wanted.
I was spending the majority of my day wishing it away, dreaming of month 4 when I could finally say goodbye to this trip. I was ruining my trip, I had lost all presence in my team and in my ministry. I couldn't understand why I was so miserable where I was at.
After days of being miserable, I finally stopped to listen to what God was saying and what God was speaking over my life.
"Give it all to me- the expectations, the frustrations, and the hate. Let me work in you, let me guide you."
I struggled to give it all away, I struggled to choose His plan over mine. But there was nothing else I could do at this point, being miserable was draining, so I thought why not give in to Him.
And God started moving. He started moving the mountains and started giving me new eyes to see everything around me. The mountains didn't get smaller, they actually got bigger but I was now able to move past them because I wasn't fighting Him any longer.
I left ministry in Thailand with tears in my eyes because I had fallen in love with where I was at, with no more thoughts of finishing my race month 4 but staying for the long haul. I learned that God can only move when you let Him and when you allow for His plan to be bigger than your own expectations.
