When I accepted this calling, I had known deep down in my core for a long time that I was supposed to be doing some type of ministry in my life. I knew that when I was 15 years old and at a youth conference. I heard that calling but I tossed it to the side and I ignored God for the next 6 years.
I didn't want that life. I wanted to make money, I wanted to live an extravegant life, I wanted to go to college and finish with a job, I wanted to be able to afford to eat sushi every night of the week, I wanted to live in a big house.
I've been working on accepting this plan. I've been working on changing my life from what I want to what He wants for me. That's a hard thing to do especially when you build all your expectations of your life on yourself and not on Him.
I have found myself in a season of grieving. Grieving the loss of the life that I thought I would have, the life that I wanted for myself. I am giving up every bit of my plan for God's. I always knew deep down that none of those things would make me happy and I think that is a big part of why I have struggled with depression throughout college. This plan I had never fullfilled me and I never have felt 'whole'. It's been a season of sacrifice for sure. A season of sacrificing my preconceived notions of what life was supposed to be like and what life is really supposed to be for me.
So grieving is only natural I think and I think that it is part of accepting this new path that I am on. There are 5 stages of grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. And I think that many of the people called to go on the World Race have struggled with these things. I know that I have.
1. Denial
Come on God, really? 11 Months away from home? Have you seen the price tag of that trip? You know I have a boyfriend right? I am not good enough for this trip, I can't do it.
2. Anger
I am not going to do this! How could you call me away from EVERYTHING that I had planned? What are you thinking God? This isn't for me. Leave me alone, I don't want to go.
3. Bargaining
Ok, God I will listen BUT I need you to find me a shorter mission trip. One that isn't so far away and one that doesn't cause so much sacrifice. I will read my bible everyday if I don't have to go on this one. I will be a better person, I promise.
4. Depression
Tears, tears, tears, tears.
5. Acceptance
Ok, God. I am here and I am ready to go. Send me God.
This season of grief of my past life has been a hard one and it has been a season of mixed emotions and lots of doubts.
So here I am Lord, Send me.
