I am my OWN worst enemy!
This entire trip I have constantly found myself playing the comparing game. Although we have talked from the start as a squad about not comparing yourself to others, or your teams experiences to others, it is almost like that fed into my doing just that. It is a battle I fight all the time. Surrendering that to the Lord each time we come back together had gotten old. Yet here I am, 6 months in, still finding myself battling that even though I managed to get past it the time before. Maybe it will be a lifelong battle.
As if comparing myself to others isn’t enough, I then let myself get the best of me. Hearing things people say to others, seeing people love on one another…although I know my heart is right and I love seeing people minister and love on each other, my selfishness and comparison strikes hard and I find myself sulking in what other people have. And of course I don’t see the ways people are loving on me or the relationships or experiences I have had. No, it is much easier and in our human nature to see all the bad. And I do see all the bad.
As I have been praying for over 6 months now and surrendering all I can to the Lord with comparing myself, the Lord has shown me much in these past few weeks.
He said to me, “Daughter, if things continue the way they are going, will you be satisfied? Are you not happy with all I have done for you, to you, and through you?” Yes, Father, I am. “Let it be, this is about ME.”
I have begun to be able to change my mindset. A negative or comparing thought comes to mind, we say take that thought captive, turn the lies down and bring truth to light. So I begin to make myself remember the good. I make myself remember the relationships I have, the love that is being poured out onto me, and the incredible experiences I encounter daily from the Lord. I know how I am and what my personality is like….I love to be around people, I love to have lots of different friends, I never stay with the same group of people, and even the close friends I have aren’t people I am around all the time. That just isn’t me. Yet here I find myself desiring those close relationships when I already have them, they just look different than other peoples…because I am different from everyone else. I desire what is not of me, even though I know that isn’t truly what I want because that isn’t how I am. I AM MY OWN WORST EMENY.
Last night I whined to God about this….pleading with him to break me of the foolishness I am living in my head. Today as I was praying he lead to me to read James. As I got through the first chapter, there was no doubts in my mind what the Lord was showing me. First of all, it talks a lot about trials and enduring them….story of The World Race for me (and for everyone really). This was the clincher though, “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.” My own enemy is me. It goes on to say, “Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”
