I never thought I’d be twenty-six years old, single, and not have kids. Miss Independent, Miss Corporate America, traveling the world, working on promotions … I just wasn’t that girl. In high school, and even college, I was the one who, out of all my girlfriends, would be married first and starting a family. “Ashli’s closer than any of us are,” they’d say. At that point in life, I had all the qualities the world considered to be “wife material.” Little did I know, the King of Glory was pursuing my heart in ways I never recognized and wouldn’t surrender to until years later.
I remember sitting in the living room, of a lady who would end up playing a vital role in my life and story. As Jamie told me her story, I sat there in awe. God took a woman from impurity and gave her the fairytale every girl dreams of. “Seven years of singleness,” she said. At age 23, I sat there thinking to myself how great her story was but there was no way God would make me go through singleness for that long. Surely He knew my heart’s desire for a husband and that man just had to be waiting right around the corner.
As my relationship with Jesus grew, so did my relationship with Jamie. She had become my mentor and such an instrumental person in my life. I went to her about everything: Advice, to vent, or simply for dinner. Each time a new beau came into my life, we spent hours analyzing whether or not he could be THE ONE. There were one or two that we seriously considered, but time proved otherwise. One thing that never changed was my desire to be loved. I simply wanted what every woman wants- to be cherished, handled with care, sought after. I read all the books and bought all the t-shirts. “When God Writes Your Love Story” and “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” I even started in on “Lady in Waiting.” I was beginning to understand what it looked like for a man of God to pursue a woman and I knew that I was not willing to settle for anything less.
Weeks, months, and even years went by – one suitor after the next. But none seemed to be the hero God had designed for me. The first eight months of 2012 flew by and the next thing I knew, September came out of nowhere and I was boarding an airplane to Africa – not married and without children of my own. “Have I really become the girl I never thought I would be?” My whole life seemed so surreal. As the plane took off, I reflected on the last few years of my life. Three years ago I sat on Jamie’s black leather couch dreaming about the knight who would come (soon) and carry me off into the sunset. I thought for sure my life would have been complete by then. And now, instead of riding off with my beau, I was flying off into the sunset with 60 other young adults just as crazy as me, willing to follow Jesus to 11 nations.
As I sit here, across the world from people I love the most, four months into the race, I’m hit with the tough reality that life is still happening all around me – and worse? Time hasn’t paused in America either. People from my past are getting engaged, married, and furthering their families … one little munchkin at a time. Even here, my best friend Amy has an [in.cred.ible.] boyfriend back home who pursues her well [from around the world] AND plans to spend forever with her! (Eeeekkkk!!! Exciting!!!) Earlier today, I quickly scrolled through the Facebook page of another best friend, Laura. She just moved home from Haiti and is getting settled back in a western lifestyle. She’s with friends and family and guess what? Some little hottie is … you guessed it … pursuing her. (Yes, he sent her flowers to work!) I can remember the butterflies and fun feelings these life events bring. But are you catching my drift? For a moment, I got lost in the self-pity scheme that Satan just loves to throw us ladies into.
“Why does everyone else get their happy ending? What are they doing right that you’re not? They don’t deserve it any more than you do. Where is God, anyway? I thought if you delighted in Him, He would give you the desires of your heart? Where is he now? And why aren’t you getting your desires?”
Unfortunately for the voice of the accuser, the Voice of Truth is louder. He reminds me of WHO I am and WHERE I am and WHY I’m here. His voice breaks through lies, breaks through self-pity, and remains victorious.
He has called me lovely. He says I’m worthy to be pursued, cherished, and handled with care. HE is the Lover of my soul – the One doing the pursuing, cherishing, and handling. He reminds me that this is my story – He’s writing it – and it’s going to be a good one.
In fact, it’s perfect.
