Vulnerability. It’s hard, it sucks, its raw. It exposes your weaknesses and reveals hard truths. You have to fight for it. It doesn’t come naturally. But it’s worth it. Allowing your community to come around you when you need help or support is invaluable. I use to be scared of judgement, rejection or being looked down upon. I let people into the battles where I had victory inside of the battles I was losing where I needed help.
I’m still not great at this. I mention things after they pass, I expose the surface layer instead of the muck buried underneath. But I keep trying. I say the hard things never knowing what’s going to come from them. It’s hard, but, it’s worth it.
My team has heard some of the scariest lies I believe about myself or my life, the ones I fight daily. They have been there in the moments where all I want to do is cry. They have encouraged me and challenged me when I have hard things revealed about the things in my life. They push me to talk when I want to shut down.
Vulnerability lately has meant stating my wants and needs. Now, this may sound easy but it is HARD. It’s learning how to state how something the team is doing is frustrating me. Or wanting to do something different than what everyone else wants. It’s saying I need extra support. Even last night I was dealing with emotions that I couldn’t understand and I had to fight to let my team into that space. I remember saying “I want to withdraw right now but am fighting not to.” It wasn’t until an hour later that the message I meant to say was “I need you to pursue me right now.”
My team leader has had a great way of describing why this is difficult. Letting people in to where you are weak is giving them power over you to hurt you if they wanted. It’s stating your needs, and then if they aren’t met feeling like you aren’t worth fighting for when you clearly stated it. It can mean feeling rejected when your want isn’t what ends up happening. We try our best to balance things, make sure everyone is heard, and fill everyone’s wants and needs. But, it is impossible to achieve it every time.
All this to say, I’m going to let you in to a vulnerable moment. I’m homesick right now. Badly. I miss my family, my friends, my church, my community, my hometown and so much more. I don’t want to leave the race at all but I’m missing home. It’s hard on the race with spotty/limited wifi to keep up and pursue everyone back home.
So here is my need that I am trusting you with… With feeling homesick I would love to hear from people! You have no idea how much a random “how are you/this happened to me/etc” means to me. If you have time, I would love to hear a few words from you about life, your relationship with the Lord, or even just a quick hello! (Please don’t text me, my number is disconnected!!).
Prayers are appreciated during this bump in my journey! I love where I am, I love my team, I love what I’m doing and I am in it 100%. It’s still hard though. So that’s that! If you need prayer for anything please comment it or message me privately! I would love to fight your battles with you.
Much love, Ash
