***Warning!! This blog is raw, full of pain and is focused on sexual assault. If you have a past of sexual abuse and are easily triggered, please do not read this.***
Here’s what I saw when it happened:
It was my birthday, I had a party, celebrated by drinking and then lost my virginity to a friend.
Red flags I should have seen:
- When my friend said congratulations I felt awkward
- I could talk about my friends sex experiences but clammed up about my own
- I developed a severe eating disorder within a month
- When other girls talked about sleeping with the same guy I said I didn’t
Yet, I didn’t see it as rape. It wasn’t until over two years later (3 weeks before accepting Christ) that I saw the truth. At Mercy we had a guest speaker talk about how someone she had previously had sexual relations with had raped her.
Wait, what?!
That was honestly the first time I realized you could be raped by a friend. This is the first time I realized it wasn’t always brutal or by strangers on the street. This is the first time I started to question what had happened and had to face a hard truth. After months I accepted that I had been raped then faced months of nightmares with the realization.
I look back and see how I shut down a piece of myself that night and lost another part of me. I can see now how it triggered the severeness of my eating disorder, how I developed an anxiety disorder, began to suffer night-terrors and started to self harm a lot more. At the time I couldn’t see the correlation but now I can see the brokenness I was experiencing.
Even when I realized I was raped, I blamed myself. For drinking, for being stupid, for not stopping him, for being blind to his games and so much more. I blamed myself for the next 3.5 years until I moved in down the street from where it happen and I had to face my pain.
Here’s what I can finally see after lots of counseling and processing:
I was already depressed but had a particularly crappy birthday and felt very unloved. He (let’s call him Tim – not his actual name) kissed me earlier in the evening which I was fine with. What I didn’t notice was that it quickly was becoming just him and myself left. I didn’t notice his game of “let’s take a shot for….”. I can’t even remember leaving my kitchen. I do remember being in my bedroom and when he started kissing me I said “I don’t want to have sex.” He replied, “okay, that’s fine.” The next thing I remember is Tim saying “please, don’t fall asleep,” before he went to his car (to get a condom). Everything else is a blur. I know I was unresponsive and half blacked out during the encounter and I have flashes of being undressed and moved around.
A couple hours later I woke up in shock. Tim asked me if I had had sex before and when I replied no he said “oh, sh**, I’m sorry! I’ll take you on a date later.” My mind was in so much shock that i hardly noticed as he went for another round.
I see now how he crossed every line, took advantage of me, disregarded my request, and ultimately, took my innocence from me.
So why am I sharing this?
First, because I fell God telling me to be raw about this darkness in my past. I have not shared this much about what happened except with my last counselor in an email. I have hidden the details in darkness hoping to forget and let go instead of bringing it to light and allowing God to use it. I have a great fear in sharing this story. It’s private, it’s personal, but, it’s no longer my own.
Second, because God has redeemed this story. Am I glad He allowed this to happen to me? Not in the slightest! Am I grateful He’s given me a different platform to reach more people on? That He’s given me a heart and compassion for others with a similar story? That He’s placed righteous anger in my heart in order to act against this evil? That He has made me stronger because of my past? Yes, I am grateful for all of those. I am grateful He has healed me and He gives me the strength to forgive Tim. It’s taken a lot to do so and some days it’s still more of a choice than a feeling. But, God has given me a love that is not my own, in order to pray blessings for Tim. Don’t get me wrong, I never want to see him again. But, I want him to meet Jesus, to find his own healing and freedom in Christ.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
??Romans 8:28
This is not saying, all things He allows to happen aregood, just that he uses it to bringgood. A little over a year ago He promised me He would use this part of my past to bring healing and freedom to those who suffered the same injustice. I don’t know when this will happen or how, but i trust I will see the good one day.
Third, because I want people to know I didn’t heal because I went to a program and got away from things. I didn’t find freedom through a 12 step program. I was severely broken and the only thing that could have changed me (and did!) is Gods love. God speaks and He wants to talk to you. He is not distant, He is next to you in every single moment. He is the reason I am alive, the reason I am free and joyful. He is the reason I am traveling for 11 months. Because people need to know that healing and freedom are possible. They need to know that God is right there, arms wide open calling out to them. Mercy has a phrase that says “you can’t argue with a changed life” and I am a living testimony of that.
Here’s my shameless plug:
Especially since the night it happened, birthdays have not been the greatest for me. There has been a lot of pain and doubts where I don’t fully know how to celebrate the day anymore and I’m awkward about it. Each year God redeems my birthday a little more and I’m hoping for total redemption this year. This year I will be on the race sharing His truth and freedom on my birthday, hallelujah—hopefully!! My birthday will be a week past my deadline to be fully funded (late August). It would be the greatest birthday present to stay on the field sharing the gospel with my team. You can help by clicking the donate link at the top of this page as a birthday present!! If that’s not a possibility for you, please pray that God provides the way and blesses my time on the field.
Thanks for reading this essay! I pray it has encouraged you and given you hope for whatever battles you are facing. You can overcome, you can forgive, you can heal, you can be free!! If this story has touched you in any way, please comment or email me. If are still seeking healing from a similar situation please don’t be afraid to reach out! I would love to speak to you about it and pray with you.
“For Christ died for us, sacrificing himself to make us holy and pure, cleansing us through the showering of the pure water of the Word of God.”
??Ephesians? ?5:25-26? ?
Love you all,
Ashley Smith
P.S. please feel free to share this blog to anyone you feel it could bring hope to!
P.P.S. If you would be willing to send me a letter for my birthday (which I would LOVE) let me know and I can give you my moms address who will be flying out to see me for the parent vision trip.
