Can I be honest for a second? Can I be real with you?
I HATE asking people for money. I don’t like that my posts are sharing about a need. I grew up with a single mother who had to stretch every dollar and money was truly, a luxury. Somewhere along the way things got messed up in my brain the next few years and I adopted the lie that asking for finances for ANYTHING is burdensome.
This year has been a stretch for me. I know God called me out onto the field for this season but He also knew I didn’t have the funds myself. In Kyrgyzstan I paid to get my nails done for the first time in my life. I had to fight my brain that I just wasted money and was undeserving of that luxury. Mind you… it cost me $2.18 USD and I was freaking out. Money (and the lack thereof) has had a spiritual hold on my life. I literally have to trust God for everything right now and trust Him enough to give a couple dollars to the woman on the street that tugs on my heart.
Everybody has been trying to encourage me in fundraising saying “you are giving people the opportunity to partner with you to do God’s will. You are giving up your time, them their finances, and together you bring Kingdom to earth. This gives them an opportunity for God to work in them and through them!”
I haven’t felt that.
I try to be excited about people getting to do their part for the gospel and I post in faith. But in the back of my mind I am fearful.
‘Am I a burden?’ ‘Am I worth it?’
I left home at 18 with a mentality that I would provide for myself from then on, that I would never rely on anyone again for anything. Man, God has really challenged that in me the last few years. I had to lay everything down to go to Mercy and simply learn how to live again. Then I’ve been trying to fully get back on my feet the last few years and instead I have nothing again.
I’m 25 and God is having me lay down my pride (daily!) and rely on others (and Him!) right now. I have 5 days to reach a deadline that I have no idea if I will reach or not. Ultimately, I trust God’s plan for this next season. That doesn’t mean I have the process.
I don’t know what happens next. I do know God is teaching me about pride, control and trust. All things I have issues with.
I’m trying to be more vulnerable with where I’m at with things. I’m also a verbal processor which equals a really long post. Thanks for reading this far if you made it! Please be praying for me to learn the lessons God is teaching me and for His will to be accomplished these next few weeks!
