I’m in Eastern Europe! In fact, I have been for quite awhile – a month in Romania, a month in Bulgaria, and now so far about a week in Serbia. I’ve had people reach out asking where I am on the Race and what I’ve been doing. It’s understandable because I really haven’t been blogging, posting videos, sharing on Instagram or Facebook, etc. that much for the past two months. And for that I’m sorry, yet it was a much-needed hiatus. I will be honest – ever since arriving in Europe, I’ve been struggling. Struggling with not feeling motivated or inspired to write, not having any desire to film or make videos, not wanting to have the hard conversations with God, even struggling with ministry. I escaped by distracting myself. Instead of reflecting and journaling, I watched movie after movie in my free time. I replaced getting deep in the Word with sleeping in and taking naps. But worst of all, I started listening to the voice of the enemy instead of the voice of the Lord.
While in Romania, my team and another team lived in a church run by our ministry host. We participated in his existing outreaches which included homeless ministry, a Friday night youth program at the church, and going to the nearby ghetto to pray inside people’s houses, play sports with the teenagers, and just form relationships with them.
It was a great month, love was showered on the oppressed, seeds were planted and watered, and I got incredibly close with my team. Yet it’s also when Satan started poking me. Ugh, that punk! We would be asked to share testimonies with the young Roma girls who are battling sex trafficking and I’d never volunteer because my mind told me that I don’t have any experience/knowledge about that so I wouldn’t be able to relate. There were other World Racers besides me who had musical talents and could sing better and play instruments better, so I put my ukulele away and sang quieter. We went from being on the continent of Asia, where people are desperately searching for a higher power, there is an eagerness and openness to talking about religions, and the spiritual darkness is so loud and in your face — to now being on the continent of Europe, where the pursuit of the Lord seems stagnant and dry, the individualistic culture that reminds me so much of America leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and the spiritual darkness takes the form of empty religion and apathy. The “I don’t care” vibe resulted in my “I don’t care” attitude towards facing the conflicting thoughts the enemy was telling me and what God was doing within me.
Last month in Bulgaria, my team stayed with a couple who has a ministry called Worship With Us. They travel to churches within the region and lead worship, host worship events, do discipleship, etc. They’re currently renovating a barn on their property into a house where mission teams can stay. So the majority of my team’s time with them consisted of manual labor, yard work, painting, and cleaning. Days were spent pulling up weeds, making and pouring cement into a sidewalk to the barn, painting windows, digging in the dirt, and picking up trash from construction. One day, the girls and I were separating bricks from a huge dirt pile in the yard and throwing them into a nearby wheelbarrow to dispose of. For those of you who know me well, it should come as no surprise that I am terrible at aim and throwing. While we were working, suddenly the brick I had just thrown was whizzing in the air straight towards one of my teammates. Before any of us even had any time to react, it hit her right in the face and she keeled over in shock as blood poured out on the ground. Fortunately, she is a nurse, so she knew exactly what to do in that situation, was so calm, and tended to her own forehead wound. She even told me, “I think face scars are cool!” and kept reassuring me that everything was okay, that it was an accident, and that I shouldn’t feel bad. Yet I seriously cried all afternoon because I felt terrible! That day, something in me cracked open that I’ve been trying to keep closed for the longest time.
Incompetent. Insecure. Feeling either too much or not enough. Causing more harm than good. Always in the way. Not being chosen or wanted. Lack of confidence. Having nothing to offer.
These are lies from the enemy that are rooted so deep within me that I’ve gotten used to them. When you spend your whole life thinking these things, after time they just become truths you believe. The World Race has definitely helped me truly discover more of my identity in Christ, the freedom that is found only in Him, and why we need to depend on the Lord so much in this life. However, it’s also bringing to the surface personal issues that are so detrimental, messy, life-sucking, and difficult to navigate. Which I think is why I kind of disappeared these past few months, had no desire to walk out my passion of storytelling, felt disconnected from ministry, and just wanted to stay in bed a lot of days. There’s a line in a song by Steffany Gretzinger that says, “Come out of hiding, you’re safe here with me. There’s no need to cover what I already see.”
So this month in Serbia I decided it’s time for me to start facing it all with Jesus. And man, let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy or fun or simple. It’s a daily battle that’s messy and complicated. I’ve been talking with Him about what this next season of life after the Race looks like — ahhhh I come home at the end of JUNE! WHAT!? I’ve been getting so absorbed in His Word that I lose track of time. I’ve been bringing to the Lord the self-deprecating thoughts that have been clouding my mind and spirit. He’s been filling me up with His scriptures, truths spoken over me by teammates, and simply by His presence. I’m taking it one day at a time, trying to walk in obedience, and focus on His voice and His alone. Today, I encourage you to do the same.
1 Thessalonians 5:5 // “You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness.”
