I have never really been that uncomfortable with sharing my testimony. If no one would volunteer when a testimony needed to be shared, it wasn’t a big deal to me to stand up and share mine. However, this is because I had written up a testimony that shared a piece of my story but not the whole truth. It was nicely packaged. Sharing struggles but not too much detail. I couldn’t let anyone in on my secret, I didn’t have it all together. What I’ve continued to learn throughout this journey is no one has it all together. No one is perfect. No one will ever be until the day we meet our Heavenly Father.
In Romania, I heard testimony after testimony of how God had worked in peoples lives. The darkness He had brought them through. The battles that they, with God, had won. I’ve heard testimonies my whole life, but I almost always felt that the testimonies had glorified sin and the person giving the testimony. They weren’t about what God had done. The testimonies I heard during our month in Romania were true testaments of God’s power. They were centered on God and his will for us. Each one made me think about the struggles I have gone through and I was in awe at what God had brought me through.
Then one day last month it was my time to share my testimony. The truth is I absolutely did not want to do it. My heart was pounding. I literally couldn’t hear anything but the beat of my heart. As I walked up to the microphone, I didn’t know what I was about to say. My mind had blanked. I didn’t have my neatly packaged testimony to share. It had been erased out of my mind.
That day I shared parts of my testimony I had never shared. Not only did I share it in front of a room full of Romanians, I shared it in-front of my mom and step-dad. Two people I’ve strived my entire life to not to disappoint. One of the things I had never shared with anyone was that I had struggled with excessive drinking. The type of alcoholism I struggled with is called binge drinking. I would consume more than 3-4 drinks within two hours. Or at least that’s what the definition states. I will tell you, on the weekends, I would drink until I physically couldn’t drink anymore. But during the week, I would either not drink, or I would have a few glasses of wine with friends or co-workers. I was capable of only drinking a few drinks, however, on the weekends I was choosing to drink excessively. I was living a double life.
On the race I’ve learned that every problem has a root. The root of my excessive drinking was because I was uncomfortable in my own skin and I thought I wasn’t enough. I was so worried about what people thought of me.
In America, we all are striving for what we and many others around the world call “The American Dream.” Where we are focused on success, status, relationships, houses, cars, looks, etc… We are constantly in a state of striving for more. The thing is…we always want “more” and guess what…”more” will never be enough.
“For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” James 4:16
“But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it” 1 Timothy 6:6-7
I was striving to be this person I thought I should be according to what the world says. I was worried that I was taller than everyone, I thought wasn’t pretty enough, outgoing enough, loud enough, fun enough, good enough, smart enough, etc… This list goes on. I flat out thought I wasn’t good enough. I drank to be outgoing. I drank for approval of others because I believed the lie that no one would like me for who I am. The thing is, I am more reserved. I don’t particularly like to dance. I prefer small groups not big crowds. There are so many things I am that I was afraid people wouldn’t like. On this trip, I realized I would drink so much to be the things I am not. I also realized that when my heart was broken I drank even more. Not only did I already believe I wasn’t enough, I was desperate not to feel the pain of being someone’s second choice. I drank for minutes of “happiness” that would soon fade. I drank because I simply didn’t want to feel all the pressure that living in this world brings.
On the race we are allowed to drink two drinks a day. Some months we aren’t allowed to drink at all. I can honestly now say I can drink responsibly. However, it took me 8 months to feel confident in this. Things I’ve learned I have to ask myself while drinking:
- Am I drinking to feel an emotion? sad, happy, angry, free,etc..
- Am I drinking because I feel uncomfortable in a environment?
- Am I drinking because I am already sad or angry?
- Am I drinking because I am stressed?
- Why do I want the next drink?
These are just some questions I have to ask myself. In the few months we spent in Eastern Europe I learned that alcoholism is a HUGE problem and it starts a such a young age. When talking with people over the past few months my heart began to ache for these people. My heart ached for their hearts. It was because I could relate to the pain deep with in them. I do know there are different facets of alcoholism. I personally haven’t dealt first hand with it as addiction, but I have chosen it. I chose it when my heart was hurt. I reached for it as a crutch when I didn’t want to deal with all the pain life entails. And what I have to say is alcohol can be, exactly that, a crutch. It will help you hobble along or limp along but it won’t get you anywhere fast or smoothly. In fact, it will cause more chaos and disorder. But Jesus Christ will fill those gaping holes in your heart that we try to fill with “more.” It’s not immediate and it takes work but man, it is worth it. And the thing is God does it with less.
“But if we have food and clothing we will be content with that.” 1 Timothy 6:8
These last 8 months I have experienced more joy than I have ever had in my life. I’ve not had my family, my friends, a job, and all the comforts of home. We have basically been stripped down to the basics, the necessities. The thing is I’ve laughed harder and cried harder than I ever have but Jesus has been there every step of the way. When I laughed so hard I literally couldn’t breathe. When the pain and loss seemed to much to bare and taking another step seemed impossible. He was there. He has done more with less.
“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can’t do any of it without GOD.” Philippians 4:12-14 (Ashley’s edited version)
He has always been there but now I choose Him. I choose faith. I choose peace. I choose joy. I choose hope. I choose Him in the darkness and in the light. Jesus is not a crutch. He’s like your favorite pair of walking shoes or boots. Reliable, strong, and steady.
“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” Matthew 16:24-25
My question is, do you have a crutch? It may not be alcohol, maybe it is shopping? Or possibly social media, technology, your career, relationships, working-out, etc… what are you using to avoid the pressures of this world? What sneaks in and steals you away from your family? From joy? From peace? What’s causing disorder in your life? What do you need to give up to get back to the basics?
“What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?” Matthew 16:26
P.S. God used my testimony at the event in Romania. There were a few girls who had been struggling with the some of the same things I had over come with God by my side. I’ve learned the power of a testimony. Whose life will your testimony change? Whose life with your testimony save?
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather join me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. He has saved us and called us to a holy life— not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace.” 2 Timothy 1:7-9
