When I left for the race I thought I was going to spend 11 months traveling the world serving others. Loving others as Jesus did. I knew that our presence would have impact. I dreamed of lives changing forever. However, I didn’t realize how much each person I came into contact with would radically impact me. How much my heart would grow. How each time I shook someone’s hand a piece of who I used to be would be left behind. How a hole in my heart would be filled with God’s love. How each time I would find a new characteristic of Jesus overflowing from my heart. I knew that I would change. I knew I would comeback with a new world view and a deeper relationship with the Lord. The truth is I didn’t know how surface level my relationships with my friends, family, and God had become. Don’t get me wrong I have always loved my family, friends, and God deeply. I used to think God gave me too much love. I remember telling my Mom that I wish God wouldn’t have created me to care so much. I wished he didn’t create me to love people who didn’t love me back. When I was saying this I was in high school talking about a friend who had hurt my feelings. I remember her telling me that hardened hearts aren’t from the Lord. I remember thinking this thought many more times throughout high school, college, and even as a young working adult. Each time I would remember my mom telling me that God gave me this heart for a reason. Each time my heart took another hit, big or small, a brick would pop up to protect me from the same thing happening again. With each heartache big or small another brick…another and another and another. Pretty soon I had built a fortress with a mile high wall to make sure that my heart was protected. I know it happens to all of us at some point. Slowly we harden our hearts to protect us from the outside world. We go along having surface level conversations with friends and family except for those few we keep near. Everything is “good” and “fine.” However, if we are all being honest every single one of us know there are good days and bad days. Days when getting out of bed is almost impossible and days when we want to tell everyone how good life actually is. BUT most of us don’t share these things. We don’t want to tell people when we are on top of mountain because of fear of falling. We don’t want to tell people when we are struggling to stand up because we fear being called weak. Brick by brick we harden our hearts. Brick by brick we walk away from who the Lord has called us to be. With one brick, we stop loving all people. The next brick, we stop having hope. Brick number 10, we lose forgiveness. Brick number 20, we aren’t patient. Brick number 40, we lose faith. Brick number 60, we aren’t kind. Brick number 70, we aren’t gentle. So on and so forth until each one of those characteristics God has given us is just glimmer in the distance. Until finally, your fortress wall is so tall it’s as if you no one is home and the lights are out. There isn’t even a sign of who God created you to be left.
They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.
Ephesians 4:18
On the race, God has blessed me by not just knocking down the fortress I created, He destroyed it. He took a bull dozer to my fortress and completely leveled out the ground. Throughout the race He put people in my path that have help rebuild my foundation on his truth. He has restored my soul. He has reminded me of who I am. Who He has created me to be. He has created me to love fiercely. Those who love me and those who don’t. Those who love Him and those who don’t. Those who have faith in Him and those who don’t. Those who place their hope in Him and those who don’t.
This past month, He continued to show me how to love as He does. Rwanda has always been somewhere I dreamed of going. After learning about the genocide when I was 10 years old, I dreamed of becoming a doctor and traveling to help refugees. Last month, my dream finally came true. I finally made it to Rwanda. I didn’t get to Rwanda the way I thought I would. I didn’t bring the skills needed to heal but I brought the one thing that cures pain in all forms, our Savior Jesus Christ.
On the race, I’ve continued to learn the power of hope. My host’s son, Moses and I talked a lot about how important hope is for Rwanda. By spending time with him and his family I learned just how important hope is to him. This family became our family. We began to just live life with these wonderful people. This month was more like living life with people we love and less like “work.” We loved them fast and hard.
We ended our month by going to Kigali Genocide Museum. As we walked through with Moses and his son, I couldn’t hold my tears back. The pictures of what hate caused now had faces and names of people I love. I remember be overcome with hate. I hated what sin had caused. Anger was running through my veins. Then as I neared the end of the exhibit I read about the measures the Rwandan government had taken to rebuild their nation. The steps that they took towards reconstruction involved reconciliation and forgiveness. I watched a video of man saying he forgives those who killed his wife and children. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. My jaw dropped in awe. Then the next sentence he said will be engrained in my mind forever. He said, “I can not personally forgive them on my own but with God I can.” He could have built his own fortress a mile high. He could have been bitter. He could have let hate rage inside him but he chose God. He chose forgiveness. He chose to have a softened heart. This country is a testimony of God’s love because only God is capable of healing those who have experienced such tragedy and loss. Sin almost destroyed this country but God worked in the devastation and continues to give people hope for a better tomorrow, most importantly an everlasting life. You might wonder how I can see God in such horror. And the truth is I don’t think I am capable of communicating what all I learned this past month. One, words will never suffice. Two, I am not a theologian or bible scholar. But the joy and hope I found in Rwanda only comes from God. Yes, there is extreme poverty. Yes, there has been unbearable loss. Yes, they struggle in ways you and I most likely never will, but the way they praise and rejoice in the Lord in their suffering is undeniably God.
The people of Rwanda have inspired me. Yes, my heart is soft. Yes, my feelings may get hurt easier than most. But, I’ll spend my life making sure that I don’t harden my heart because of the sinful world we live in. I will praise God on the mountains and praise Him when the mountains in the way. And I will surely praise Him in the valleys. I know this is much easier said than done, but I have faith and hope in a God stronger than I am. I’m laying down my bricks and letting God. Will you?
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliver; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
