She’s gone.
“You can’t take her, she’s mine, she belongs to me, she is my everything. You can’t take her. You can’t take her”.
I walked toward the hospital, I sat on a bench outside the building and was in shock. I sat there for a substantial amount of time until I lost control of my body. I walked toward the parking garage in hopes to find my car so that I could head home and see her laying on her bed doing her homework. Though to my surprise, as I enter the parking garage, words, praises and hymns start streaming off my tongue. Then, my hands uncontrollably start to raise above my head, I begin to cry in deep despair.
My heart and flesh were in utter contradiction. In this moment, my heart was breaking at its seams though my mouth was overflowing with utmost praise, and I couldn’t even make sense of what I was singing. Though, the more I sang, the more weight I felt being lifted off of my heart.
Suddenly, a man walked toward me and stopped in his foot tracks. I hardly recognized him because of the tears skewing my vision. I wanted to stop but I had no control over my body, my hands were still up and my tongue was still spilling out shouts of praise. Ignoring him, I refocus my gaze and smile at heaven as my heart continues to tear apart. So much pain, yet so much joy. I start jumping, I lift my hands higher, the praises outnumber the monsoon of tears.
Finally, after some time passed my hands went down and I started toward the hospital entrance. I was disrupted when a hand touch my shoulder. I turned around and was face to face with a man, he was the one standing there watching me during my breakdown. He smiled and thanked me for showing him who Jesus was.
For the first time, my tears stopped flowing and I was able to focus on the reality that was there before me. I didn’t move a muscle, I was completely fixated on this man. His smile grew larger and his hands began to slowly rise. Tears start to flow down his cheeks, praises outpour from his mouth and his head shifts focus from a stranger to His Heavenly Father. He was praising Jesus for the first time. In utter disbelief I thought to myself, “Through my pure sorrow, brokenness, and distraught, this man came to know his father. Wow””.
I joined him, I was able to control my limbs and tongue at this point and this time I was enthused and enlightened to raise my hands and praise Jesus with a complete stranger. The next thing I know I hear other angelic voices shouting and laughing and singing praises. I couldn’t make sense of what they were were singing, all I knew was that it felt so incredibly cheerful and joyful. The voices and harmonies were beyond any words or human comprehension. After a while I stopped and started to walk away, my mind wandered and went back to the thought of my sisters death. Again, I was disrupted by a hand gently touching my shoulder, it was the man who just found Jesus. He hugged me and cried with me, mourning the death of my companion for 19 years. He took my hands and looked me in the eyes, I knew that he wanted me to continue in communion. Brother and sister, we sang loud and fearlessly with songs of praise and cries of joy.
The tears that stream down my cheeks awaken me, they’re like rain slides down a window. My eye lids open and catch glimpse of the moonlight streaming from the window. What just happened? Is Kris dead? Where am I? My body quickly shoots forward into the dark night. Out of breath, I started to cry, I laid back down and stared at the ceiling, I trembled with fear, grief, and terror. It didn’t make sense, wasn’t that just a dream? But my soul and heart felt the loss of Kris so so so deeply, as if she was actually dead, or was going to die. Aka she’s gone, no longer on earth, dead, non existent. Though how would I know when we are world apart? I snuggle into my covers, I miss my sissy, I miss my home.
Over the past eight months I have struggled with a longing for Kris, my fraternal twin sister. This hasn’t been something new, I’ve been torn apart over this off and on since leaving America. When I first embarked on the race I thought that I would struggle with this but not as much as I have. It’s not just something that has “gone away”, it has been ever so present in each country.
I’ve been grieving the presence of my best friend. I’m homesick.
Kris is the closest thing to home for me. In my weakness, my mind gets consumed by her…Kris is more than just my twin, she’s my comfort, my other half. She makes me whole, she makes me, me. She’s the one piece that has always been there. Somedays I just want to wake up nestled close to my best friend and tell her everything and cry together like old times. I desire the feeling of a hug from her followed by the feeling of peace, oneness. She is my home. She is my comfort, she is my best friend, she has gone through almost every part of life together with me. I know her so well, she knows me so well. We share the same laugh that echoes from room to room.
All of these feelings are valid however, I’m learning that this need for Kris is actually a deeper need and longing for Christ. Everything that Kris is to me is what Jesus wants me to be with him. Yes, I have literally and physically been worlds apart from her however, my mind has been attached at the hip. God has constantly been teaching me to be fixated on Him instead of her in trials and tribulations, in laughter and in joy.
Several times throughout the course of the race God has asked me, “Ash, who do you love the most?”. My first automatic thought was, “Yes, of course, I mean hello I am on this 9 month missions trip for you”. Though to my surprise, he kept knocking at my door step asking me the same question which got me thinking more, “Who am I looking forward to seeing today, the father or kris? Who consumes my thoughts the most in my times of heartache?”. At home, Jesus would be my answer, I can say that with confidence. Over the past couple of years I have grown more and more independent from Kris and more dependent on God however, being overseas is a different yarn of thread. When your circumstances, community, food, and culture change, a new layer of depth is born.
One of the most profound things that I’ve learned since being on the race has been the relentless love and pursuit that Christ has for me, Ashley Levesque. He is jealous for me. He’s answered so many prayers that have been hard to see in the moment, he has restored my heartache for Kris with a deeper understanding of who he is and how much his love for me is. He is my home.
Some part of me hates that I still have a longing and desire to be with her so strongly this far into the race, but the other part of me is thankful for these feelings and emotions because it’s showing me deeper love, deeper joy, deeper contentment, deeper hope, deeper satisfaction and a deeper level of intimacy with Jesus. I don’t think it is a sin to miss Kris, after all she is a gift from God, but when gifts become idols, thats where the problems start to come in. I am grateful that God has taken me to new heights and depths. In hindsight, I don’t think that I would be able to have as much love, dependency, oneness and intimacy for Christ without this year away from Kris.
In the end, the adoration and satisfaction that I got from her presence was actually holding me back from deeper communion with Jesus. On the race I’ve had moments where I’ve longed to be in her presence rather than his. All along I thought that as every day passed I was getting closer to Kris, when in reality with every passing minute I was and am growing closer to my father. I’m not really homesick for kris, I’m homesick for My Father. I remain confident that the more I press into God during these times of need, insecurity, and doubt, the faster I will actually run toward my real eternal home, a place where my heart engages in it’s truest form of fulfillment.
Abba, Im in the midst of your love, I’m lost in it. Plain and simple. Im loosing more and more of myself every day, I feel farther and farther away from home, away from her arms, away from my bed, away from “my” life….though day by day I am getting more and more like you, you unravel me and allow me to become more of who you are. Holy spirit help me kneel down and crucify my flesh. Lead me to the cross where your love pours out, where your heart is, even if that means taking a different path, a path going a different direction than my cherished loved one. You are my treasure, the closest to me. My thirst isn’t for her, it is for you. I’m coming home, I am running home, I’m running toward you Jesus. Even on days like this when I want to be in her arms, I close my eyes and fixate my attention and heart on you. I am a child of your love. Thank you Father, thank you for pressing me and molding me into this new depth of your love. I love you, amen.
