So God revealed something to me, now that I have the realization it seems quite simple. It is something though I have never thought of before. Self harm can be physical to one self, also it can be harming others, and self harm can also be mental self harm. While I knew about self harm, and harming others, it never accrued to me that you could mentally self harm. The realization came from personal past experiences I had, and realizing that I had a plethora of self harming habits.
(READER DISCRETION ADVISED)
About ten years ago I was all three of these. At this time in my life I was not saved. The very opposite in fact, I was angry with God. I was angry for what had been done to me, I was angry that I had the problems that I did. I blamed everyone else, but myself for the issues in my life. This anger turned into self harming. I had a eating disorder off and on for years, that started in high school. Then it re-emerged as an adult. I would cut myself to relieve the inner pain I was having. I would cut myself to re-confirm the thoughts I was having.
These thoughts would sound like this, “you are worthless,” “you are ugly,” “you can try as hard as you want, but no man will ever want you for any other reason than for sex, you’r useless to them otherwise.” “you ruin everything,” “you are not nor will you ever be good enough,” “you are stupid,” “people just pretend to be your friend, they don’t really like you,” and so on, and so on. These thoughts that I was having, I one hundred percent believed. I would mentally self harm repetitively in my head when I would do anything wrong. Or when I did something I regretted. I would also lash out at others. This was a lot less often, because my pattern’s where of hurting myself not others. But if I was in the “right” situation anyone could have been a target of my anger. I was in a spiral of self hate. One thing I have learned in life is, hurt people hurt people. I was in inner turmoil I believed no one would understand what I was going through. So instead of talking to someone about how I was feeling, I hurt people. First myself, then others. I left a trail of destruction wherever I went.
I also had another dark cycle I did not let anyone know about, but it was a lot more obvious. This one in hindsight was also self harming. In my head I knew, “you can try as hard as you want, but no man will ever want you for any other reason than for sex, you’r useless to them otherwise.” Even though I honestly believed this it did not stop me from trying to find a man to make me feel like a whole person. To make me feel that I was worthy to be loved. So I jumped from relationship to relationship. From the time I started dating in 8th grade. I was not single again until I was almost 27 years old. I had boyfriends, fiances, and a husband. I did not know how to love myself. And the only way I knew how to love them was selfish. I needed them to make me feel like I was pretty, like I was smart, like I worthy. These men where what I was trying to fill that giant whole in my heart with. At the beginning of all the relationships it was the typical honey moon faze. But the longer we where together the more I realized they where no longer filling the wholes in my life I needed them to fill so I always turned back to self harm. This included breaking up with them to find that “honey moon” faze in another relationship. Only for the “New” relationship to end the same way as all the others. They ended in self harming thoughts and actions. I thought there was something wrong with me, so I kept men close but also at a distance. This looked like, letting them in just close enough to fall in love with me, then when I knew I had them slowly my self harming habits would rear there ugly head. I was co-dependent on these men to make me feel like I was worth something to them, there for worth something to myself. I needed them to love me how I did not know how to love myself. And if they did not or would not I would turn to the same sick cycle of hurting myself. My ugly insides that I kept hidden from the world, would slowly start to seep out into the relationship. I self sabotaged every relationship I was in, without even consciously knowing it.
I went through these cycle for many years. Most of these bad self harm habits began in High School. And has I got older would come and go with the things that where happening in my life. When life got hard, I had no coping skills. So I would turn to the only thing I had control over. Hurting myself. As life went on, and the older I got. I had several break downs. I probably should have been hospitalized for a few of them. But the people in my life who cared about me I kept at a great distance, I pretended to be ok in front of them. The people around me when I had these, “should have been hospitalized moments” where not of sound mind. So it was easy to talk my way out of being admitted to a hospital. So the spiral continued. And the longer I stayed in the spiral the darker my world looked. I had no light, I had no hope. Every morning I woke up again, I woke up disappointed that my eyes had opened. I was miserable. I no longer wanted to live this life any more what was the point? I hated my life, I hated myself. So why? Why keep going on like this?
(WARNING GRAPHIC DETAILS)
So then I took the next darkest step into the world of self harm, this one was called suicide. I told no one about these thoughts. I was scared to tell any one. On the outside I looked happy, it looked like my life was great. I had thought about it many times but never considered it. Until one night I decided not to do life anymore. I knew my husband was not going to be home for some time. So I got out a bottle of whiskey, and began to drink. About half way through the bottle I went and got the gun out of the drawer in the back bedroom. I sat it next to the whiskey bottle and looked at it. As the bottle became closer to empty. My thoughts raced of what the best way was. Where was the best place to shoot myself? Can I really do this?
As the bottle became closer, and closer to empty I decided to grab a knife. I thought ok maybe not the gun, I knew what cutting felt like, and knew it would be easier for me to do. So I test cut my leg. I cut so deep that no blood spilled out of the wound. After that I was like ok maybe I can just cut my jugular vain, and be done with this process? I tested it on the back of my head first. In my hair line so no one would see the cut marks, just in case it did not work or I chickened out . I put the knife to the back of my head. I felt something warm a few seconds later dripping down my back. The mix of the alcohol, and the cut I made was bleeding, and would not stop. I reached and felt the cut with my hand, my hand was covered in blood. It was like something you would see out of the movies. I could smell the blood that was pooling on my clothes. I grabbed the gun and thought to myself, “ok just do it, pull the trigger.” I held the gun to my head, and stopped.
My thoughts where racing. The adrenaline was making my heart beat fast. Time literally stopped. My next thought is the one that kept me from killing myself that night. It was, “I have to clean up all this blood so no one has to clean it up after I’m gone.” That thought saved my life. I stopped what I was doing to clean up the mess I had made. I wish I could say I thought of my family and how they would feel if I was gone, but no. It was, “I have to clean up all this blood so no one has to clean it up after I’m gone.” While I was cleaning up my husband came home early. I had tried to hide what I had done, but the damage was done. He knew, there was to much blood to hide. Again I was not taken to a hospital because I talked my way out of it. My family never found out about it, it was kept a secret for all these years. The attempt did scare me though while I thought about killing myself many more times after. This was the one time I actually attempted it. I thank God for saving my life that night. For God sending my husband home earlier than expected. If he had not I don’t know if I would be alive today.
The healing process of self harming did not happen over night. It took many years, and many tears. And their are still times I catch myself thinking self hate thoughts. Now, I know that they are not my true thoughts. I know that God created me for a bigger purpose. That God loves me, that my family loves me, that my friends love me. And that I would be truly missed if I was not here. That I am uniquely made by God, with all my weird quirks included. I know that now I am a whole person through Jesus, he healed me from all the self hate rituals I had. And God wants to do the same for you. If you are having self hate thoughts, or you want to break self hate habits. The first step is to tell someone. And not just anyone, someone who you know will do something about it. A pastor, your parents, a guidance counselor, a mentor, a doctor, someone.
It sounds very scary but there is a whole life out there to live that you are missing out on because of your self hate. And to get to the other side of it, telling someone who can help you is a great first step.
The second step is to lean hard on God. I depended on him to help me, and he was Always faithful. I asked every day for a long time for him to take those self hate thoughts out of my life. To take the suicidal thoughts away. To take away the desires I had to cut myself, and He did!!!
Patterns form over time, so they just don’t go away. You have to form new healthy patterns in your life. One of mine was, when I would have self hate thoughts or wanted to take self harm actions against myself or others. I would ask the Lord to fill me with his love and his joy and take the bad thought’s out of my life. As I did this I began to form new healthy habits and healthy thoughts, I still use to this day. When I feel ugly, worthless, or depressed, I ALWAYS take it to the Lord. Without fail he helps me every time. He wants the best for you and his best is far greater than our brains can comprehend.
I no longer need a man to fill the wholes in my life. I no longer need some one else to tell me my value. God has told me what I am worth. I am priceless! I was worth him dying on the cross so he could have a relationship me! I no longer self harm, and my scares I have been able to use to tell people my story, to help them through theirs! God took my broken heart, and replaced it with a heart that imitates his love, a heart that beats for him! Because of his love for me, I have found out what it means to love myself! The good, and the bad parts! He took my self hate, and turned it into empathy for others! He took my anger and turned it in to joy! He took my darkness, and turned it into a light that beams for his kingdom! He took my brokenness, and turned it into a building block on which he belt my character! He turned my misery into singing for his glory! He washed me clean inside and out! I am a daughter of the King Of King’s!
You are worth so much more than words on this page can even begin to explain. You are precious and beautiful. You are strong, you are worthy, you are loved by God. There is a life out there that is so worth living one in which you do not wake up every morning, wanting to end it. There is a life out there full of joy and peace. There is a life where you wake up happy and grateful to be alive. God wants us to enjoy life, and he wants to help us enjoy it. There is a hope, and a future for you.
John 16:33
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trails and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.
Psalms 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he recuse those who’s spirits are crushed
2 Corinthians 12:9
Each time he said; “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work though me.
Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you, ” says the Lord, “They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
